I'm trying to understand why my husband lied to me about texting with his brother Friday, it was only three texts, but still.
I asked him Friday night in a calm manner, hey have you spoke with your brother in a while, he hasn't called the house, and of course he didn't call on my birthday (yes I should not have said that, but his sister did) and he just said nope, and I don't know why he didn't call you on your birthday. I was fuming because I knew he texted him as it was on the phone bill. He knew something was wrong when we got home from picking up dinner, and I was just going to let it go, but I couldn't. I said please help me understand why you lied to me about talking with your brother, he said I didn't talk to him, I said yes you did you texted him. Well of course that brought up why are you spying on me, I said I wasn't it showed up on the phone bill texts. Then that went into him getting angry that he can't have any privacy, and that I would want to know what the conversation was all about. I said no Phil I'm not that person anymore, that is your business, if you want to tell me fine. He then said well I needed his email address, and he doesn't have anyone to talk to about things but his brother which is true, he has no real friends. I said why didn't you feel you could ask me for your brothers email, he said because you would want to know why and why I wasn't using my own. I said well do you have something to hide, that is the only reason you would want his, and of course he didn't answer me. He also said he was supposed to have a therapy session yesterday, and supposedly his therapist ghosted him, and he said he really like sher. I'm trying to let this go, and I know that people with ADHD lie more, but it still hurts. Just trying to let go of the whole thing, since things were good before I found this out, I wish I didn't see it on the phone bill.
Thank god I have therapy tomorrow.
Thanks for reading this and listening. Love this group.
Sometimes the Why more important than the Lie
Submitted by Pelican11 on
Hi Kosty- it is so frustrating when we discover our partners lying to us- it really erodes trust. Sometimes, in my experience, I find my partner can lie (really about small, meaningless things, like your partner's text with his brother) just because he is distracted and doesn't want to get into a discussion about something. He'll blurt out the 'white' lie honestly just for convenience sake, and sometimes he honestly simply forgets what he has done, says he hasn't, then feels trapped and guilty when asked about it and remembers so doubles down. And like with your situation, some things that would have never become an issue becomes messy and stressful. I have found my husband can get really defensive, often needlessly so. I think my probing really triggers him, he gets flustered and then defensive. For me, and this is in no way a guideline for what is right for you, just my methodology, I am really trying to let the little stuff go, trying to give my husband the benefit of the doubt, like he forgot, or just didn't have the bandwidth to get into a discussion. For sure the bigger things I address, but even then I try (and am very imperfect at this), when possible, to give him a little more latitude than I would a more neurotypical person, not focus in so much on The Lie but rather the Why. Again, I fail often enough at this as my emotions get the better of me, but I find we have more productive conversations if I'm not focused on blaming him for lying and trying to find out why, in that moment, he felt as if he could not be honest. So sorry you are going through this...
Thanks for the response
Submitted by kosty on
Hi Pelican,
Thanks for sharing your experience with your husband. As I was reading it I was understanding more about why he felt like he had to lie. My husband is the same way with my probing, so I'm trying to learn not to do it, but what is the difference between probing and just asking a simple question, I get confused with that one. I to am trying to let go of the little stuff, I now ask myself how important is it to me, before I more on with a conversation ect. We did actually have a decent conversation as I said to him look I'm not blaming you that you felt you had to lie, it just hurt me in the moment, which I think softened things up, as he then said want to hear something funny, and continue on with a story about how he was supposed to have a meeting with his therapist and she did show up, didn't call ect.
Kosty
Subtle differences
Submitted by Pelican11 on
Kosty- you get right to the heart of the matter with your question about the difference between probing and just asking a simple question. I think the answer to that depends on whether someone has ADHD or not. I feel a non ADHD person had the resilience to see a simple question as just that- a question. So often people with ADHD have been questioned about their behaviors/decisions/actions in the past (why did you do that? why didn't you finish that? why did you forget that? and on and on), and all those questions make them feel badly about themselves, reduces their self esteem, and this can make them really triggered by just a normal, simple 'why did you...' question. At least that has been my experience, my husband is sort of eternally on the defense, ready for the next salvo of critique, ANY question is seen as probing. Puts us on eggshells, and them feeling as if we are violating their privacy/probing/criticizing, etc. For me, I try to frame those 'why did you...' questions more along the lines of 'I felt like this when you did...x..., did I misunderstand?' That sort of takes the pressure off the question, makes it feel less of an attack, and gives my husband room to explain. Not sure if that applies to your situation, but it has been what works better for us...
Thank you
Submitted by kosty on
Pelican - Thank you yes that is a good idea and I will try not to say why did you.... and use your way, I'm sure that will help.