Hello All,
I've posted on here before and honestly I cannot believe I am still married. My husband is a chronic liar, and his lies are very dangerous and usually involve finances and inability to get organized. The lies since our children were born 6.5 years ago have included saying a car was stolen when he pocketed the money for it and never bought it, forging my signature to pay rent when he was supposed to, letting his license expire and continuing to drive uninsured for a year, and just a constant lying about how much money he has and leaving me often to clean up his many financial messes which include not paying bills and mortgage. And his driving without a license that I owned meant I was summoned to court.
I had an emotional affair a year ago and he took my phone and read all the messages. It was with an ex who is also married with kids and I guess I was desperate for some attention and kindness. Once my ex found out what my husband did he cut me off. So that is long over. And I miss it.
My father and my husband's father died within a month of each other this year. Both unexpected and I and my kids were very close to my dad. And the lying from my husband has not stopped. He does not have a stable job. Hasn't had one since the kids were born. He is finally on ADD meds and says always he's 'trying' and he wants it to be 'better'.
I've stood by my husband I've tried to get him help. I've applied to jobs for him. Called contacts on his behalf. I paid for our house and car. I pay for everything for our two children.
And I am just beyond overwhelmed, frustrated and angry. I realize when my dad was alive I depended on him as a safety net to help me deal with my husband and now I'm on my own, and my mother who has Parkinson hasn't been a strong figure in our lives for years. I am so lonely and defeated and my mental health is suffering. That emotional affair showed me maybe there is hope. Maybe someone else could love me and I don't need to live in this hell anymore? My husband does every dirty trick in the book to deflect when he does things wrong. Blames my anger says I eroded his self confidence. I literally have zero attraction to him at this point and cannot imagine ever wanting intimacy with him again.
I can't kick him out because I am a working mom and I need both his paltry income and the child care. How do people get out? How do you feel whole again after all the drama and awfulness?
Hi...Can't talk.....
Submitted by c ur self on
I just reread all of what you said a year ago...And what I and others said to encourage you....So I want be long here....But I will say this one thing....The Only way I have found to be content is Boundaries!....I've separated myself from any thing she could hurt me with on a daily bases....(utilitarian wise any way)...Under no circumstances does she have access to my finances, or me hers for that matter....No shared bills, other than utilities, that she pays 1/2 of....You will find out he will step up or leave, when he can't use you or depend on you, to bale him out for his lack of effort and commitment....
You must make a short list of the area's of life that his irresponsibility is dumping over on to you, and work from there....I'm so very sorry about your Dad, but, I'm sure he would want you to live wisely and not allow yourself to be trapped...If you were my daughter, I would tell you the same thing....Get a handle on your emotions, count your blessings, and map out effective strategies to live a healthy life....You can't do that without boundaries....You should go for counseling to help kick start a more productive outlook, for the reality you are in....Blessings!
I will pray for you!
c
I understand you completely.
Submitted by Lost Wife on
I understand you completely. I feel I could have written your post. My severe ADHD husband is a chronic liar about things too. I never know what is real, and it is hell to not know what your own reality is from day to day because you aren't given the true facts of what's going on. My husband also has job difficulties, and therefore money difficulties, which he covers with lies. I have to always clean up the mess, and live constant Herculean efforts just to keep us off the streets.
I also don't know how to get out. I still depend on what he can earn, and I can't do my work without him being here to watch the kids for part of each day (we work from home). We can barely afford to live now, how could we survive with an extra rent when he moves out? It feels like a suffocating trap you can't escape. I also have no one to turn to talk to when it comes to what his ADHD puts me through.
All that to say that I understand what you are saying, and I'm so sorry you are living this hell. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. And I'm so sorry about the loss of your father :( And I hear you that the emotional affair gave you hope. I have felt that hope myself recently. That there could possibly be an existence without all the nonstop stress and distrust. That peace and happiness could be possible.
It truly does sound like you're done, and I hope you find your way out. At the very least a way to separate for a time to create your own space away from his chaos.
Big hugs, you're not alone!