Okay everyone--reality check here. DH and I got into a BIG argument this morning. Here's the deal--we see a marriage counselor on Fridays at 5:30 when he is in town. We have not been able to see the counselor with any regularity because of how much DH travels for business and we really need it! So it's been three weeks since we have seen the guy AND YET... Our oldest son is a JV water polo player (sophomore) and he is really good so this evening the coach put him on the varsity team. That is huge. It's at a school about 40 minutes away. The bus leaves right after school so they have time to get settled and warm up before a 5:30 game. But...this morning DH says to me that he forgot we have our counselor appointment and he has to cancel because oldest son took a 45 lifeguard shift at the Y (that is his regular job) and then DH is going to drive him out to the water polo game. DH told him he could do that. Um, WHAT??? WHAT??? First of all, I would bet that if you don't ride the bus with the team you won't be playing with the team, and secondly--a 45 minute shift? He only makes $8.00 for an hour--how much can he possibly make in 45 minutes--maybe $4.50 after taxes? And for DH to get him to a 5:30 game right at rush hour on a Friday night is going to be darn near impossible. This school is 40 minutes away in no traffic. And we will be charged $120 for the missed counselor appointment. I sat down at the breakfast table with hubby and oldest son and spoke in a really calm neutral voice about how upset I was about this and DH was furious with me. I got the whole "you are 100% right and I am 100% wrong-you never make mistakes-I am a screw up" speech (which I could pretty much recite right along with him at this point...). I was standing in the kitchen door at one point and he shoved me out of the way. Oldest son is now mad at me that I made such a big deal of this and that I upset Daddy because "Daddy can't take it". Since when is he such a delicate flower??? And what is oldest son thinking, not riding the bus with the team??? The appointment is in our google calendar that I maintain for the family that DH has access to although he rarely gets it right when putting info on it and he doesn't have it on his phone, despite me asking him to put it there and him saying he will. He says he didn't think to look at the calendar. Well, then what do we have it for?
And--of course I make mistakes, so how do I respond to that? Of course I forget things. Of course I have double-scheduled things and then had to rearrange, so what do I say back to him for this? Generally speaking, my mistakes don't cost us $120 though. Are my standards too high not even for an ADHD person but for anyone??? And then he sent this long involved text to the counselor explaining in minute detail every little thing he did wrong in this circumstance and saying three times how it was his fault and how sorry he was. really??? was that necessary???? what is the point of that other than to look like a poor me victim. I mean seriously dude--just say we have to cancel, something came up. My goodness. So now DH is mad that I made what he thinks is a big deal about a small thing and oldest son is mad that I upset Daddy. It's going to be a long weekend. DH leaves on business again on Tuesday morning. Ugh. Leave now please....
help--somebody say something helpful--
dana
This might not be helpful,
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
This might not be helpful, but I'll say it anyway. I'm with you on this one. DH is encouraging son to be irresponsible; DH chooses to present himself as a victim; DH dumps on you for being responsible. I'm sure there are more things.
Hot house orchids!!!
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
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d he shoved me out of the way. Oldest son is now mad at me that I made such a big deal of this and that I upset Daddy because "Daddy can't take it". Since when is he such a delicate flower???
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Yes, they are delicate hot house flowers. Should they be? No. Should we enable that? No.
My H thinks he should get a "hall pass" special treatment because he's "weak" and "unwell" and not healthy. Uh no.
Your standards are not too
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
Your standards are not too high, dvance. Your husband's reasoning is bat-s*** crazy. It literally makes NO SENSE. Even with my "ADHD goggles" on, I can't imagine what was going through his head. I love how he wrapped it all up by having a full-on man-trum in front of your son. Great example, Dad. I am truly sorry your son is treating your husband like the victim he claims to be, and above all, that he is treating you like you did something wrong. That must really hurt.
What happened?
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
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I got the whole "you are 100% right and I am 100% wrong-you never make mistakes-I am a screw up" speech (which I could pretty much recite right along with him at this point...).
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that's their "cop out" speech that many use. I think they say it when deep down they know that they're wrong.
This sort of thing happens because ADHD parents (particularly dads) use such poor foresight with decisions with their kids and parenting....often choosing what THEY would like or what they want, rather than what is the best overall scenario. And because they don't think and deeper than about 1//4 inch....lol If they thought DEEPLY about stuff, they'd consider all the negative consequences.
I had to constantly over-ride H's decisions with our kids because they were sooooo dumb or costly or spoiling. I found out H was buying our son QUADRUPLE ice cream cones everyday after practice. WHAT?? I only found this out when suddenly son couldn't fit in his PANTS! He had gained weight suddenly. Who the heck buys their kid a quadruple ice cream everyday???? No foresight, no thinking, no concern about health, weight, etc.
When the show "Jon and Kate plus Eight" was on TV, I only watched about 15 episodes, but I could clearly see that Jon was immature and likely had ADHD impulsive. He was frequently either making dumb (self centered) decisions or challenging Kate on her smarter decisions with the kids. I was constantly reminded of my own H.
Kate got a "bad rap" for being "bossy" but she had to be. jon was like a 9th child and his ideas and decisions were so immature.
Quadruple ice cream cones????
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
Did not know that even existed. And I worry when my husband gives (what I consider) to be too many treats-geez. He tells me I am too strict with bad food. However, when he says this, I ask him, "Who's in better shape? Would you prefer the kids have YOUR eating habits, or mine?" He then acknowledges that I am healthier, eat better, and know more, yet, my kids eat more sweets than I was ever allowed as a child. I'm just going to continue to offer them good choices and hope they eventually see which foods make them feel better. It's hard though, to tell them to eat more vegetables when their father's plate almost never contains any. He just tells them (and this is true) that he eats salads at work. They don't see this, and are unmoved when cauliflower or parsnips are sitting on their plate.
yep-called it
Submitted by dvance on
Thank you to all who chimed in and made me feel NOT crazy! And yep, I called it--pretty tense weekend now. Thankfully oldest son was at the second day of the water polo tourney all day Saturday. DH and I tried to talk about what went on Friday but it went nowhere. What happened that we cannot have a civil conversation? All he keeps pointing out is that I make mistakes too, so what is the big deal when he does? And that I am upset all the time. But had no examples of that and got mad that I kept asking for examples. Do others wonder how in the world we got here? How at age 45 my greatest wish in life is to be left alone? How I am counting the days until my youngest goes to college so I can leave? How all I want is a studio apartment that is all mine with no one else's clutter around? How I can come home and be calm instead of throwing back 4 tylenol and 2 xanax before I walk in the house just to get through the evening? How did this happen? What's more--I don't think I would be capable of a normal adult relationship any more. I have absolutely no idea what that looks like or how to do it. I do know I NEVER want to live under the same roof as a man again. Ever. I am lonely now--alone can't be any worse. Any softness I had in me is gone. Any romantic-ness, any feelings of giving someone the benefit of the doubt-gone. I assume the worst all the time-assume that whatever comes out of his mouth may or may not be true depending on how it serves him at that moment. He says I interrogate him--well, it is not unusual for me to get different answers to the same questions over time, so how can I assume the first answer is in fact correct? But I digress--the point is, I cannot wrap my head around what a mess this all has become, how twisted and just OFF my whole family dynamic is and I do not have the power to fix it on my own. I am worried for what I have shown my boys all these years. It's not good.