Since my husband being diagnosed ADHD--innattentive type several weeks ago, and with couples counseling, medication, a new smartphone, and very helpful Hallowell books, my husband and I have made much progress in reconnecting. It's not perfect but much, much better. Fortunately, my husband is committed to learn how to negotiate life with ADD and to improve our relationship. Since beginning this process, I have done a lot of reflection on my behaviors and feelings and try to act as an observer of myself in the relationship. These observations are helping me to be more effective as the partner I want to be.
The thing is, I feel so needy for his attention! I think I was neglected for so long that I have PTSD. My husband is working hard at turning toward me as a mate, but let's face it, he still has ADD and he forgets. Or on his way to spend time with me, he happens by a magazine and ends up reading it cover to cover standing at his workbench while I finally turn my light off and go to sleep. The attention I (and the marriage) get is mostly because I remind him that I/we need it. I really, really don't want to pester him to spend time with me.
Anyway, this is only one way in which I feel I have PTSD from 38 years with him and undiagnosed ADD. While on the road to a more effective life/marriage with ADD, how have the rest of you coped with the trauma of the past so that you can move forward?
yes...
Submitted by dori on
there is hope. i do the same thing to my spouse and he feels the same form of neglect on my part.
i am trying my hardest to be mindful of him. and that alone for me and for him, seems to be helping. i overcame my "must be on the computer" complex i had. :D that's a start!
know full well that he loves you. feel that love in your heart. don't disconnect and the next time he does it... softly approach him, place your hand on his shoulder and say... "wouldn't that magazine be better if you shared it with me?"
i find that if i'm approached in a nice way, it totally refocuses me on my first initial thought, being with my man.
shoes by the door
Submitted by callmesusan on
Thank you Dori for your encouraging words. Yesterday I saw a post on this board in which the poster said her (?his) shoes are kept by the door. She does this because if she had to wander through the house to fetch her shoes, she would most certainly be distracted by something and be late getting out the door. I thought about that story today. It helped me realize, in a way I had not yet, that the most simple of tasks to me are not so simple for my husband. Getting ready for bed, he walks through the house to turn of the lights and lock the doors and BAM! he spots the new bicycle magazine that arrived in the mail. Now that I know he has ADD, I have been better able to bring him back to the task at hand--putting attention on our relationship--in a friendly way and not take his field trips quite so personally. The shoe story helped me today. And your words of wisdom will help me on another day. I love this forum.