Have you ever asked yourself; "Why is life so hard"? Me too! Specifically, why has it been so difficult to find any kind of balance in my marriage relationship. Balance meaning here..."Repetition"...Something stable that I can count on from day to day. Well what I coming to realize is most of my pain was in direct response to my efforts to find (or force would more accurately stated) the answer to my question. When the answer to my question was and always has been....There will be no balance!... In hind site what I should have been asking is; How do I mange my life for a peaceful existence in the light of my spouses living of life?
When my children were young; they would listen to me. They were molded by me and their Mother's love and admonishment. When two adults are seeking unity in a relationship, that is driven by two minds that do not remotely think a like...The answer always come back..."Houston we have a Problem". So? What to do? How do we get to a unified state of existence? The first thing I have to do, is be self-aware. The second is I must be a student (an visual observer and hearer to a much smaller degree) of my wife's actions. Based on my observation and self-knowledge, I would say most humans have a reality they wish for; and the real one that exists... The problem is when we defend to the death the reality we only wish existed....What our actions do is define us, it brings the clarity to our true reality. Words only hinder this process. So I must manage my life from this starting point....
If you tell me something at bed time that you are going to do the next morning, and state it as a fact. But, 80% of the time it never happen's what is closer to reality, your statement or your actions? So, am I going to put faith in you statement or the action? See how that works? I must mange my life based off the action which is your true reality...
I'm a self described planner in most details of life. More by default based on the unpleasant surprises I've encountered when I had no plan...My wife likes to tell me she is spontaneous, and I should be more like her, but is she? If you describe yourself as spontaneous instead of a planner....But the only thing you are ever spontaneous about is "Self-perceived individual entertainment opportunities" but every thing else about your life is guarded, your reactions are predictable and can be read like and open book...Does that make you spontaneous or a planner? If the only time you hear the words spontaneous thrown your way is when someone wants your time and money to support their lust for frivolity and their personal desires....I would call that a plan:)
So many of us suffer from a blindness to reality of our own lives and in the lives of those we love.....The hardest part in marriage sometimes is to stay positive, and not be a victim when we come face to face w/ the reality of our many differences....Acceptance of the action based self and the action based spouse must be clear to me, if I'm to be able to manage my life peacefully. When I continue to base it on the spoken and self-perceived realities, chaos will will surly reign....
C
thanks C for this, I'm on a journey also
Submitted by dedelight4 on
C, I enjoy your consistent approach in life with your spouse whether she notices it or not, And I know you aren't looking for her acknowledgement anymore but I pray she eventually has an A-HA moment for you.
Since I've separated from my husband, it's been so helpful just not to live in a constant "fight or flight" inner cobflict. It's allowing me to be able to THINK a little clearer about why I did the things I did in the relationship.
Things like: why did I choose an ADHD spouse? What wasn't I taught from all 6 of my parents who Abused and abandoned me, teaching me nothing about life except keep silent and take the abuse. Being a middle child/people pleaser, that has been detrimental, and then working beyond the call of duty to gain a crumb of acceptance or acknowledgement. I chose another person in my life who kept the emotional distance going and tried to make it work. IT DID'NT. You can't change what you are ignorant of and were never taught. But it's been SO exciting in learning about myself and grabbing everything I can find in information about familes, behaviors, emotions, spiritual ties, generational curses (my mother was a witch). The demonic realm was an entire world in and unto itself which I had to get deliverance and prayer counseling for. Thanks to the blood of Jesus my family is free from THAT bondage. But being away from the consrant anger and chaos of my husbands world has been freeing also.
When he comes into a room, his presence is SO BIG and SO LARGE, it takes up all the space in the room. (To borrow a term from Green Fried Tomatoes) when he leaves the room, everyone breathes a sigh of relief, his hyperactivity is still extreme even at 60 years old. Loud voice, yelling, anger, intimidation, non stop noise and banging around, so there's never any quiet time or peace. Then not knowing what would set him off.
I couldn't physically handle being so nervous anymore, and now I'm in an environment where it's peaceful most all the time. It's giving me an opportunity to learn, pray, talk, have someone even listen to ME talk. That alone is a big thing. Just being allowed to talk, instead of having to stay silent and only listen all the time. Wow.
Thank You dede:)
Submitted by c ur self on
Self reflection can be very difficult, but based on this post, you are doing well with it...Many of us human's deal w/ Dysfunction in our lives that stem from the things you've listed...Based on my own experience; I feel only those who aren't afraid to allow the light to shine into those dark places (like you are doing) that hold us bondage truly ever find healing. I hear every thing you're saying, and I know how tough and even scary it can be to face these truths. But, I also know who the winners are:). (the one's who find peace) We can't change one thing from our past, but, we can face it, be delivered from it, learn from it, and then leave it in the past where it belongs... My road to spiritual wellness does wonders for the rest of me. There is a place of contentment; a place of power, Love, and a sound mind...That we can experience that will strengthen us beyond the circumstance's of this life, no matter how difficult it gets....I see you on this path; I pray I'm there w/ you.... C