Hi. First posting. Married 27 years. For the longest, thought it was behaviors resulting from addictive personality ( recovery/alcoholism 30+years). But I got knocked in the head in marital counseling 10 years ago when we were told (didn't you know he has ADHD?). Dang. Should've known better. But no real big change, other than me letting him "think out loud", me "letting go" of expectations, me taking care of myself, me creating a separate bank account for my business and emergency fund, me stepping back and not rescuing when natural consequences come, and me not trying to excuse his behavior to others.
.....Wait I said no big change, right? WRONG!. I need to be thankful for the results of all the stress and labor on my part (the halo gets heavy!!!!) Because: I am now laughing more. I say "no" more. I'm learning how to have fun and not be so serious. And I'm slowly learning compassion for my partner. Who, by the way, is taking medicine. Told me the other day he will never go into another business scheme, ever. Is working through paying off over 70k in business debt without asking me for anything. Who lost 40 lbs and trying to get off Nicotine. Who sometimes thanks me for paying for most of the other bills. We laugh together more and we're starting to dream again (more rational dreams this time)
However, I am utterly exhausted. The years have taken its toll. And when you throw in aging parents with caregiving issues and other family members not understanding "why won't he call" "he should have time", now I'm having to say a firm no when people want me to be a "stand in" for his responsibilities. And it's very hard when I take time off for me or a business decision to have a life rather than being a slave to work, (so we struggle financially--remember I pay most of the bills) to be told "You chose that" ....
Tips on staying motivated?
Good Night...You motivated me! :)
Submitted by c ur self on
I love your post...So honest...So real....I've been trying to accept the reality of it all, just like you....The saying no...The focusing on love and life, instead of what I dislike about my wife's life style....The not enabling or carrying another adult...The not making excuses for her...( I just say, ask her, to our grown kids and church family, or I say, I guess she's fine... LOL)...My Dad is 87, wants to live alone, has dementia and he is mean...It's been crazy...His poor neighbors....My oldest brother is an alcoholic who just got evicted again...(I helped him move his stuff to storage, so he could moved into a motel, the day I went by to help him he was half drunk at 10:00 am, and telling me to chill, because I just wanted to get to work, so I could get on with my life, and my commitments)....I'm surrounded by people who are very needy, but don't want to change their lives or help themselves....
I've had thoughts today (several times) about just leaving for a month...(But I would have to leave my phone here, or it would be a wasted trip)...LOL...I also do not share finances or do taxes w/ my wife...We get alone much better that way...I asked her for half of our common bills, utilities, TV, internet....She pays about 40 percent....When I ask her why, she says because she would not pay for direct tv, she would get cheaper tv service....But guess who uses up most all the dvr recording space? LOL....Yes dear...You are right....Having compassion, without making it worse (enabling, mothering) is the goal....
The only tips I can give you are just keep doing what you are doing...Make sure to care for yourself...Keep good boundaries....Love him w/ all your heart.....
Me personally, I have to depend of Jesus everyday....I tend to allow the pressure of her life style (the hoarding, the forgetfulness, no time management, the hyper focus, the will you? will you? will you? LOL) Dad, my Brother, to cause stress build up in me....So for me to be at peace, I start my day on my knee's, and give my worry and stress to the heavenly Father....I have to know he is taking care of all things, and it's not in my control...When my eyes are on him, I find I can be at peace, when the world and people around me are in chaos....
Blessings Tryingtothrive....
c
Wow curself
Submitted by tryingtothrive on
Hey Wow c ur self....thank you so much! Great support! I am a believer too and you have just reinforced what I do every morning. Based on your comments about enabling and mothering and other content, I would guess that we may have a 12 step program in common? :) So glad I took the risk to "reason it out"
No 12 steps here.....
Submitted by c ur self on
I've written my own simple program based on my own self inflicted suffering.....1) Never forget (at any time of day or night, under any circumstance, who I am in Christ, and that his Holy Spirit is always with me, and in me)...2) Never ever excuse my self for being intrusive or abusive (verbally, or in any way) toward my wife (or anyone)...no matter what she is or isn't doing in this marriage or in life....I always have the option to walk away, not take part, or go into the back room and pray....3) If and when, I start feeling sorry for myself...Remember number 1.....4) Never allow the ways of the world to cause deception in my thinking....
There are others but those are the priority....
:)
c
You have every right to be
Submitted by Sollertiae on
You have every right to be exhausted, as you seem to have worked very hard on so many fronts. Changes or no changes, that is beyond exhausting. Still, I am glad that there are some positive changes and cracks of light coming through.
I would focus on those as motivation, and take the complete exhaustion and overwhelm as a sign that you need some small break, or change to give some refreshment. To help motivate and free your headspace. It doesn't need to be a big, expensive holiday, but something for yourself that you can point to and go, 'yes, that is why.'
Never apologise for choosing to take time off for yourself, even if it means sacrificing some income. Definitely own it and embrace it. Only being a slave to work will lead to regrets later on, as I have found out.
Awesome
Submitted by tryingtothrive on
Thank you Sollertiae, love the quote. I'm really tired of being ignorant. Want to spend the rest of my life in a little bit of wisdom and enjoyment ! Thanks for the support. What does Sollertiae mean?
Latin ..
Submitted by Sollertiae on
For resourceful, clever, deft - more of an aspiration than a reality! I like that it implies a light heartedness as well as competency. Reminds me to try and be that if I see it as a screen name regularly.
Life is hard enough without adding to it, and it so easy to fall back into a hole of surviving it rather than living it... even if that living is only done in small chunks.