Hi everyone, just read the book, now joined the forum.
I'd been a stay at home dad for a few years now, thinking I was being self-sacrificing and doing the right thing, giving myself too much credit tbh - when I now realize I was just escaping the stress ADHD created in my professional life. Seeking to be my own boss, own my own organization attempts. Well it turns out a lot of that backfired and I became increasingly controlling and irritated (and scary) causing wife and family to pull back, and it finally came down all at once.
I am thankful, on one level - bc it lead to me getting help, and now an ADHD diagnosis, and starting on Strattera. But there's a lot of healing to do now as well, until my wife is ready to have me part of her daily life once again.
I'm looking forward to talking to some partners of ADHD spouses, to figure out what may help things along.
Thanks everyone!
I needed to see action from my husband
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
My ADHD ex husband has a story similar to yours. Once he left the work world, he could not go back. ADHD (untreated though) made work very difficult. He never went back (8 years passed with him out of the workforce). This is just one of the reasons our marriage ended.
What I needed from my husband to keep the marriage intact was action. It was difficult for him to see the impact of ADHD on the family. Even when (I thought) he did, he did not take adequate steps to solve the issues. He might "think" about it or get medication and take it to stay up late (instead of to focus better at a job or at home), but he didn't take any meaningful action to improve things. I needed him to believe what I was saying and start *doing* things like clean up after himself, follow through on promises, spend any sort of meaningful time with our child, take on some of the household chores, etc. I explicitly told him what I needed, but any action from him lasted a day or two and then he would revert back. I would say action was the biggest thing missing... nothing changed and so... well, nothing changed! As a result, we separated.
I'd say whatever your wife is most vocal about needing, I would focus on her top issues wholeheartedly with actions she can see clearly. If it takes a coach to keep you on track along with the new meds, then it's probably a worthwhile investment. Speaking from experience, divorce is more expensive. Wishing you all the best and a better outcome than mine!! :)
Thank you
Submitted by speakstofish on
Thank you for the feedback! That's definitely been my approach, where I'm trying to show her productive stuff I'm accomplishing here. I'm afraid of going into narcissism mode and just being focused on myself and what I'm doing though, bc she's said that about me before too.
I appreciate the positive vibes! I have a lot going for me right now, including a job market that for what I do at least is hungry for workers and is easing my way back to professional life, and I'm hoping money for montessori and maid fixes a lot of what's been going wrong. Therapy for the kids even, who've been around an angry and frustrated dad a lot.
I appreciate the advice. I'll get help w getting her to talk to me. I'm desperate for her to actually talk to me and express needs that I could potentially meet.
Maid
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Just wanted to add here about your note about the maid - a cleaning service was definitely one of the BEST decisions I made while married to my ADHD husband. The cleaners coming forced everyone to clear the clutter once every two weeks so the cleaners could actually dust surfaces, vacuum, etc. We could have friends over more easily since the house was clean and I wasn't as perturbed about my husband's messes because the house wouldn't stay messy for longer than two weeks. You won't regret it!
Promising!
Submitted by speakstofish on
Ok that's all very reassuring that this is going to make things better! I didn't even think about how just having the maid over will force us to go into organizing mode. It would be wonderful for us to start working together at that.
Communication!
Submitted by Dagmar on
I don't care how stupid it seems. The most consistently frustrating part of having an ADHD spouse is having no idea what is going on. I just had to remind my own husband tonight for the 1000th time that he has to tell me when he's going to be home after six and I'm frustrated. I need to plan for things! I don't need to know where he is or what he is doing, I just want to know how to plan for dinner and if I can take the kids to the park.
If you say you're going to do something, give her updates! My husband was huge on not giving updates. Your wife can't tell the difference between something you're actually working on and something you forgot. She's stuck in a place where if she follows up with you, she's a nag, but if she doesn't and you aren't actually doing it, she's going to have to fix the situation.
And the defensiveness. Practice saying "Sorry, that was the ADHD, I forgot." My husband was big on saying "I only did it one time!" I would feel gaslit, then I'd tell him all the times that he did it and he would feel like I was piling on him, and start pointing out all my flaws. This was not healthy and would lead to epic battles.
Making communication happen
Submitted by speakstofish on
That's both very reassuring to hear - and also the exact opposite, bc I like to think that I did internalize this very message long ago, but that somehow I messed it up.
I think the problem had become I would try so hard to communicate, and it crossed lines into emotionally abusive, and overbearing, and scary, and she'd withdraw from conversation. I'm working on getting us into counseling where we might have steps towards more productive conversation.
Definitely parts of you went through are helpful! Certainly conversations based on keeping her in the loop of practical stuff when late to things, or where I'm struggling w tidying and it destroys my free time, would have helped at times.
Sorry to hear about your pain points. I hope yall are in a better place now too.
Acknowledgement...that's what I needed :)
Submitted by JeanaPeana on
My husband was recently diagnosed with ADHD. Been married 33 years. Yeah...took us a while to figure this out. lol
Anyway...He is on Wellbutrin I think. What a huge difference it's making. He has always tried and apologized and acknowledged his failings...but always after a huge blow up/argument/frustrating discussion and/or days of "thinking". Now, he seems like he can really listen and HEAR what I'm saying....in that moment. He acknowledges my frustrations and reasons for my low tolerance, etc. That act of acknowledging the past has been HUGE for me. I don't need to remind him that this wasn't the first, second, or 47th time. I don't need to fight to be heard or understood. He finally gets what I have been through living with him. I'm not perfect by any means and I don't always respond the right way, but I finally feel like we both are on the same team, even in those moments of frustration.
We are working on some projects on our back porch. He commented that it's been a couple of weeks of exhaustion, frustration, and confusion but we never had a big fight or walked away or blew up. At one point I even called him stupid (I know, I know...not good on my part.) I apologized later and he said there's no need to apologize to him...ever. After all he's put me through, it's his turn to understand MY frustrations and be the bigger person. I don't agree that I have carte blanche and get to say whatever I want, but the fact that he said that, means a lot. He's acknowledged that as difficult as his life has been because of the ADHD, mine has been as well.
I hate to sound cliche, but it's almost like the clouds have parted in his brain. He keeps commenting how weird it feels to be responsible and accountable. He says he's going to do something and actually does it. He said he finds himself having a conversation in his head...like he could do it tomorrow or the next day, but then says...nope, follow through, do what you said you'd do.
Sometimes he's said he still wasn't sure that he had ADHD and/or if the meds were making a difference. Then he'll have a moment of reflection about a situation ---THAT in itself is pretty big! Anyway, he'd tell me about it, what he was thinking and saying to himself. I said, welcome to the world of having a conscience! lol
I applaud your effort in seeking solutions and ideas to better yourself and your situation.
Hopeful
Submitted by speakstofish on
Oh wow - that really is a long time to have gone before having this figured out! I'm glad the change has been so visible and both of yall can appreciate it. Wellbutrin - this is an opportunity for me to look that up too and learn more about it. I'm investigating all options rn.
Thanks for the hopeful message!
Understand
Submitted by Hardtorealize on
My wife has been telling me for years that I needed to get help but I always refused saying I was fine. Some background first time I dated my wife we were 13 and off and on all through school. We parted ways for a few years after HS as she went to college and was in the Army. We have now been married going on 23 years so she knows me pretty well. Reason I finally sought out help was she finally had enough and was ready to leave. Now two years later we are still working on all the pain I caused over the years. But im thankful she is trying and understanding. I refused to take any medication when first diagnosed. I've been on adderall for a little over a month now and my thoughts are so much clearer. And I now realize what she has been telling me all these years. Hardest part for me is not beating myself up for the way I was and not listening to her sooner. Now when we have conversations I make sure to concentrate to stay in it and actually hear what she is saying. I hope everything works out for you. Just never give up. I know I'm not.
Thank you
Submitted by speakstofish on
It's a little sad hearing that it's been a 2 year process. But reassuring too, considering that I'm just a month in now, that it's going to take time. My very best wishes for all that you're going through!
Part of me keeps being bitter that I didn't have the chance to try Adderall first, bc the path I'm on right now w Strattera is VERY long to kick in. But a lot of things in life just take patience, I'm seeing.
It’s been tough
Submitted by Hardtorealize on
She has been ready to walk a ton of times. We finally have agreed to let the past lay and try and start fresh. For me it's a constant battle to stay in the moment but she is worth fight. Also I beat myself up for not seeking help sooner as she started asking me to do that probably 15 or so years ago. But I would look at her and say "there's nothing wrong with me" boy was I wrong. Good luck to you!