Hello. This is the first time I am posting in a forum, but I am desperate. My marriage is falling apart. I was diagnosed with ADHD about 10 years ago. I take vyvanse. This has helped greatly in a lot of Areas. My problem is I never did research on the effects of ADHD in marriage. My wife and I fight all the time and I never new why till I read a lot of these blogs. I am devastated it is my fault. I don't know if i can repair the damage with my wife. I realize now the hurt I caused her with all my quirks and forgetfulness and anger and such. I am at a loss. I feel I if I show her the articles she will just think I am just making excuses for my behaviour. What do I do? I want to save my marriage and now that I know it's mostly me, I can try and work on it. But is it to late?? 21 years of marriage she put up with me. And now it might just be too late!
Marriage in jeapardy
Submitted by Dale70 on 06/26/2017.
There is hope
Submitted by Stef G on
Dale, As the non-ADHD spouse in a 45-year marriage, it is not too late to save your marriage. I think what is key is to understand both the symptomatic behavior AND the partner's reactions to it. Until my husband and I did this, both of us suffered. As you read Melissa's books, you will find your marriage in each page and you will find strategies for managing ADHD. My husband had to find strategies which worked for him and I had to own my horrible reaction to behavior I did not understand. If you don't think your wife is willing to read any articles, I suggest you and your wife view the video on Melissa's home page. Perhaps listening to 3 couples (my husband and I are one of the couples) who are extremely candid in discussing the difficulties of an ADHD impacted marriage will plant a seed that you CAN change the dynamics of your relationship.
That you now know the ADHD has had an impact not only on you but on your wife is a HUGE first step in beginning to repair your marriage. You repair your marriage when you choose a different path. It can be done.
Blessings, Stephanie
Thank you
Submitted by Dale70 on
Thank you for giving me hope. I was totally oblivious to my actions. The Dr just told me medication would help me. Yes my focus was better but I was oblivious of my actions and somewhat still am. I only noticed by reading other people's stories of their divorce, and I saw all my wife's complaints in almost every one. Thank you again for some hope.
what is the link for the videos you suggest?
Be very very honest... and romantic
Submitted by smd1409 on
Buy a gift for her you think she likes. If you can't think of anything, her favourite food/chocolates etc. and flowers almost never fail. Then after you've given them to her cuddle her and tell her everything you've said here. How you want to change, how you realised that many of the problems are from your ADHD and it's effects and that you want to solve it.
Throughout it, remind her that you're doing this because you want to be a better person and that you love her and that you want to do everything you can to make this marriage the highlight of her life.
Then discuss with her what you want to change about yourself. You should pick one thing and she should pick one as well, and make those two things your target. Some people with ADHD prefer to pick easy targets to raise their self esteem and make things feel faster at the beginning so that that they get on a role later on (like me). Others prefer the most important ones etc. It's important that you ask her for what's important to her as well so that she feels as if she is being listened to. But don't let her go on a rampage about how bad you are at it. That won't end well for both of you.
Speaking from experience here, if that helps boost your confidence.
Knowing myself, I'm going to guess that you'll forget all that I've said when the time comes, so just remember this if nothing else: soften her with love and show her a way forward.
So much so true
Submitted by Chevron on
Dale, I think smd has written you a post full of tried-in-real-life wisdom.
I'm a non ADHD wife of a husband with ADHD. A few of smd's suggestions suit his situation and work but wouldnt work with me...but that's because I'm a different person with a different husband and different relation than smd's not because they arent good things to do,
Speaking of just me, not of your wife or smd's, bringing me a makeup gift like flowers or chocolates before my husband had begun with me the change to reduce the tension between us, or confusion, or anger, whatever the problem was, would just upset me. I can't be bought off and appeased with presents in place of working on whatever the problem is. I know that there is a book and I'm sure there are websites about love languages, and I gather one of the love languages that proves love is giving physical gifts, but to me, just me, I'd not even know what my husband was trying to do if he started trying to improve the relation by "softening me up" with gifts of physical things. I'm in love with my husband, and nothing less than him... no thing will substitute for him and his willingness to take action to live well with me. in hard times, only he himself will do, in the relation. For me, gifts are for other times than in the middle of a siege of conflict. But then, I know down to the bottom of my heart that my husband loves me. I need no physical sign of that. If your wife doesnt know whether or no you love her...this is possible...maybe those flowers, especially if you dont ordinarily give her flowers, are a good way to start to tell her that you do.
I very much like smd's idea of each in the couple picking just one thing to change, and then both in the couple actively working on changing just those two things. Make it doable and give both of you something to tackle. I like that very much.
About relationship change of any kind, look, in any adult relation, with or without ADHD in it change of interpersonal habits or change of attitude takes a long time. A long time. From what I've seen so far interpersonal change in a relation with ADHD in it takes extra time, probably extra effort, and extra patience. Why? Well there are perceptual differences. If my husband can't observe a problem that I see, he and I are going nowhere on the problem until he either does see it, using his own observation toolkit, or he hears about it enough from me that he comes to trust me that the problem is there, we cant ignore it, and yes, he has to have an active hand in solving the problem. That takes tiiiiiime. It has nothing to do with intelligence, by the way. On the flip side, since I dont have ADHD and am not him, and since like him I'm an adult, not a little kid to be ordered around, he can be encountering a problem I dont see, and until I either do finally recognise that that problem is there, or come to believe and trust him that its there even if I dont see. It or see it well myself, I'm not going to get active tackling the problem. I'm not at all a "fire-->ready-->aim" type person. I need to see what needs my response and action. I'm a really bad candidate for "just believe me, just do what I say, I dont need to explain it, jump and I'll tell you how high to jump on the way up". : ) I am in some ways an ADHD spouse's worst nightmare. My husband does have to explain things to me and show me what the problem is that I dont see, in some way manifest the problem until I believe that its there for him, even if I see it only dimly or not at all, before I launch into action on it. This takes tiiiime
Why talk about this? Well, I certainly have my work cut out for me learning more about my husbands ADHD generated needs and ways....95% or more of the population of the world does not have ADHD, and ADHD people even if they strain to do it in the workplace or outside the home are indistinguishable from people who dont have the condition. So we nons have a learning curve about what ADHD is and isnt. What ADHD is did not come installed inside my head and no, I cannot see inside my husbands. Nor can he see inside mine, even though it seems to me sometimes from what he presumes about the inside of mine, that he either thinks he can, or his mind action is so active and demanding of his attention that he presumes that the rest of the world, including me, works like the inside of his head does.
My husband and I need to communicate. A lot. Not jump to conclusions about what each other wants or needs.
I so believe the title of smd's post. Be very, very honest. My husband and I have a long way to go in our marriage, but I so support the advice that both, not just one habitually up the truth telling and be very, very truthful. Look, it took years of my husband doubting the literal truth of what I said. He had his reasons from his life before me to have that doubt. Those years were very hard for me. Imagine telling the truth over and over and being suspected and doubted habitually, by someone who you love deeply. But I had no other option than to keep telling the truth, and keep being sure that my actions carried out what I literally said. He's a great guy who had yes been lied to repeatedly, manipulated, stolen from. And you know, there are spouses without ADHD whose partner with ADHD has repeatedly lied, hidden, manipulatd, gaslighted or stolen from them too. It takes a long time for an adult having had that done to him/her to come to trust that the false promises, lies or whatever has stopped. A long time. But without partners really trusting each other, doing relationship is very hard. To me the only way out of mistrust is to expect to spend a long time telling the truth, fulfilling promises by carrying out what you'll say you'll do, and doing it over and over. Tell the truth, and not the convenient partial one, the real bone honest one. Do what you say you'll do Every day. It took literally a couple years before my husband came to trust that I was not a person who would screw with his mind or sneak around...he had been mistreated that badly by someone else. So I certainly have the responsibility of continuing to tell the truth and continuing to do what I say. In time, as he began to trust me more, he also hid his soul from me less, because he saw I wasnt going to nuke him, or use the secrets of his heart against him. On the telling the truth and doing what you say, I suggest that you start it right now. One of the two of you has to begin. You be the one.
Thank you every one for
Submitted by Dale70 on
Thank you every one for replying. The one thing that did help me, that I can not believe was my ADHD. I was able to hyperfocus for three days on this subject and have tons of information to process.
Chevron, you are correct in a lot of what you say. Your words describing your personality sounds very similar to my wife's. Her love language is not gifts. And if I was to get her gifts at this point in our relationship, it would cause her more bitterness. This I learned many many times.
The great thing that is happening is, I am finically for once understanding my brain for the first time. I got the book about marriage that lead me to this forum, and it describes my marriage for the last 20 years, and how I feel and how I react. Now I can understand where my wife is coming from. This is a huge step as I just thought she turned into an angry, controlling person. I was oblivious to my actions and how they effected her. Now that I know, I can do things differently. I realize I will never change how my mind works, BUT and a big BUT, I can do things differently even if it is against my normal thinking.
During the Last three days of my hyperfocus, I examined my relationship with my wife, and with the help of the book, I started a battle plan. The plan goes against every fiber of my thinking and is extremely hard for me. But my wife is worth it. And since I implemented it, I have seen changes.
This is my starting point. I bought a calander/to do list app for my iPhone. I aM entering everything on this for reminders that go to my Apple Watch. My wife hates me having my phone around when we talk or go on dates, I do understand why now. But when we do talk and she says something important or wanting something done, I now say. " Honey, what you just said is important. I do not want to forget it, or accidentally over look it. Can I put it in my phone so It will remind me. If I wait till after our conversation I will most likely forget." She is very happy with that. We now have a shared list so she can put things on and I can cross of in real time.
Also so she does not feel neglected I programmed in my calendar to remind me twice a day to text her and ask her how her day is going.
This is extremely hard for me, and I have to really force myself to follow the reminders instead of just dismissing them for later.
the encouraging part is when I sent the second programmed text and empathized with how her day was going, she sent a text saying " I think you just melted my heart a could degrees"
so in essence Thank you for the advice. I must continue with this. It is hard but the results are worth it. Now my iPhone is my life line between me and my wife. I am encouraged.