I am glad I found this site - the last few days have been an awakening to what ADHD relationships are like and it feels like I am not so alone and many others are living the same experience.
This is my second marriage - the first ending in an affair and betrayal after 10 years of being together. I went from a narcissist to one with ADHD, great choices.
We have been together for 7 years now - but it was a few years in before she even told me she had ADHD. I did not think much of it as I did not know at all the impacts on relationships that it could have later. My wife was recovering from cancer when I first met her, and that consumed the majority of any serious discussion for the first bit. After that she was very focused on having kids. We are almost 40 so the time to have children of our own is running out. The problems began here as her becoming pregnant and having our own child is very high cancer risk. At first we had discussed and began planning for adopting or fostering, but then this changed to having a friend who was willing to be a surrogate. Fast forward through COVID times and now we found that friend is unable to due to health conditions, and having another surrogate would run into a 6 figure cost. I had concerns about this but for the sake of having a family was willing to figure it out, before we both miss the boat on being able to. We had a few discussions but as the case tends to be as I am discovering now it is really difficult to have big conversations with someone with ADHD without getting heated, and I do not handle this well as I tend to shut down and avoid conflict.
At this point in time after the beginning appointments for surrogacy it was as if a switch had been turned off. She went from being a loving wife to immediately talking about divorce and any sign of love just disappeared, and I felt completely cut out of her life. Suddenly it was a huge fight and constant criticism of everything wrong with me for months. At this point she also apparently started taking Adderall. I have no idea what prompted her to start treatment for ADHD on her own there as it was not something we had really talked about ever.
It was at this point that things just became... confusing for me. First off - with my first marriage even though it was heartbreaking, when it was over, she moved out and the recovery began in short order. Now - my current wife still lives in the same house but in a different bedroom with no talk of moving out any time soon. Some days it feels like she still wants to be married, some days it does not. She still cooks breakfast for both of us, still buys me clothes. She still wants me to get up with her every morning to make her coffee. She still wants to go for walks together. We still hug, snuggle a bit, watch tv together. At the same time, anything public or resembling a date is off the table. No "I love you". No kissing. No sex. She also locks her bedroom door as if she doesn't trust me for some reason even though I have never been remotely physically or verbally violent for that matter. That does raise red flags for me though having already been betrayed in a prior marriage. She is adamant that she never would cheat although my level of trust on the whole situation is pretty broken these days. It has been a month or two since we have had a fight. When things came to a head several months ago during one of our worst fights I agreed to divorce after hours of heated discussion, but I was not going to initiate it. At least not yet but I feel like I might have to be the one to do it at some point if we remain in this weird state uncertainty for too long.
Our 5 year anniversary is actually in 2 days and I don't even know what to do about that. Lately I have been living as separate of a life as I can, to focus on myself to have some happiness and not be so lonely. Do I just not even bring it up and wait for her? Go out and do something on my own that day? Try to have a conversation that might just end up in a fight and sad loneliness yet again? Give her a card?
I guess my question is at what point do you know a marriage is over with a wife with ADHD? Is it already past that point and she just is stringing me along or have some sort of inability to make decisions on leaving?
You know it is time
Submitted by adhd32 on
Do not under any circumstances bring a child into this dynamic. What you are seeing is the tip of the iceberg. Move on and don't look back. She will probably stay as long as you let her pull at your heart strings. She is letting out just enough line to keep you guessing and on your toes. You have to be the one to end it. Often my H will force things on me so HE can blame me for circumstances but I know the truth. Just move on you cannot change her. Think about yourself now and what is best for you. I'd skip the anniversary celebration. It seems counterproductive since you know things aren't going to last. If she tries to guilt you into some sort of celebration, you have your opening to tell her you are out. It's difficult to look at a future alone but how much longer can you continue on as you are now?
I agree with adhd32
Submitted by sickandtired on
I agree that right now you are only seeing the tip of the iceberg regarding symptoms. Most folks on here see a great deal more symptoms after the huge responsibility of childcare is put upon their adhd mate. Leaving toddlers alone in swimming pools. Forgetting to feed them. Not recognizing what is dangerous. I did not have any children with my ex, and I'm so thankful for that. Still, it was not a clean break. It took me months to get him to actually move out of my house after I told him it was over. He seemed to have absolutely no pride or no plan. After I finally got him out of my house, I found out he was squatting in my vacation house an hour away instead of moving back to his home state as he had said he was doing. I changed the lock code, but later I saw that he was still able to get inside the basement. He had been sleeping on DOG BEDS in my basement, rather than moving on and finally finding a job. It's amazing how a grown able bodied man could be so shamelessly dependent on someone, even when they have been told it's over.
A breakup with someone like this will be long, messy, full of guilt trips and blame shifting, but it's worth it to get your life back. You don't want to be tied down to someone who will drain your very soul, and turn you into an angry stressful person you don't even like.
Hopefully you will eventually meet someone new, who could be an equal partner in a healthy happy relationship.
I was afraid that would be the answer
Submitted by Sometimes Hopeful on
The more I learn here the more angry I am at the whole situation. I feel like this is a replay of the end of my first marriage in that any self help advice is very positive about fixing the relationship but in reality with both therapists and other people in similar situations the answer is to take care of yourself get out fast.
Someone's comment on one of the other threads here really resonated with me - in that it's disrespectful to the non adhd when the adhd spouse goes to friends / family with their complaints about the relationship, that exactly has happened to me. That those people (other than immediate family) might not even be aware that adhd is involved or what it's like trying to live with and communicate with someone with adhd. I feel like I can't even spend time with her family anymore as so many negative things have been told about me that it will just be awkward.
Last night she could tell something was bothering me but I could not bring myself to start a big conversation about this stuff.
This morning was the first bad adhd episode I've seen in a couple months - as her phone wasn't working which I'm sure is the equivalent to being stranded in the wilderness for someone with adhd. Of course the blame was on me somehow even though I obviously am not responsible for her phone being operational. No mention of the fact that it's our anniversary.
Longer marriage recent diagnosis
Submitted by CantEscapeResentment on
Hyperfocus, stress and grief
Submitted by ThisIsMyLife on
We've been together almost 12 years, married for almost 7. Once you hit the hyperfocus wall at about 3 to 4 years in things will never be the same again. You aren't new and exciting anymore. I put all of her symptoms down to work stress then grief of losing a parent.
She was diagnosed when our son was 2. He's now 4. I am parent, carer, adult for them both.
I don't think I'll ever be happy again. There's never any thanks or apologies. You are just there to do the stuff that they don't want to. No amount of discussion will change it. You'll be told what you want to hear time and time again, but you always end up back where you started, tidying up their mess.
Take care of yourself
This is what makes it challenging for me though
Submitted by Sometimes Hopeful on
See this is where I have problems though. Since I last posted about our anniversary - I did go out that night by myself, and when I returned she did actually apologize show remorse for acting the way she did earlier. The next day she even offered and brought home take out dinner on her way from work - which for my wife is unusual as she absolutely abhors eating restaurant food instead of us cooking. Since then I have noticed a few times where she has really been trying to control her symptoms. It seems like she really is trying to work on herself there. It really is a case of feeling like im with a Dr Jekyl / Mrs. Hyde and not just always bad and has hope for change, but the minimal amount of intimacy really is wearing on me.
I think for now I am just really paying attention to any outburst, condescension or criticism and going to set boundaries that those hurt my feelings and are not good ways to communicate her needs. At some point we are going to have to have a more serious discussion again soon regarding the state of things but I have to have enough emotional energy for it which right now is a struggle.
One sided conversation
Submitted by ThisIsMyLife on
Yeah, occasionally an argument prompts them to try, but eventually they slip back to their old ways.
I can't imagine living like this for another 40/50years, but if we did divorce I would fight for custody of my son. He needs consistency and structure which he will never have with his mum.
I hope you find your happiness.
Her effort is temporary
Submitted by adhd32 on
She'll be her old self in no time and you will be blindsided once again when she switches back. It happens in an instant.
Hi, I too am the non-ADHD
Submitted by Non-ADHD-Hubby on
Hi, I too am the non-ADHD spouse/hubby. It is very important that the ADHD is recognized by both partners and treatment coincides with you both trying to mend the relationship/be a better partner. Without recognition and coincident treatment you won't have the tools required to be able to get to the point where you both can work together to repair things. And of course there are so many ways to be a better partner, but first take care of yourself, then extending that same positive energy to your partner becomes much easier. It cannot be a one-sided attempt, as is true for dealing with most adversity. And as another contributor suggested prob good to wait on having children, you'll end up parenting both of them. Gather the tools first, practice, start thriving again, then dive into that next.
Potential side effects
Submitted by T00T00 on
Please research side effects of Adderall. 1 of it is that mood gets affected.
Sometimes locking the door isn't only to protect outside from coming in but to also protect inside from coming out/being seen. I'm not sure if she is using self-defense mechanism to protect you/her by sheltering herself in a comfortable space.
Do I (non-ADHD wife) want my husband/son to see me have extreme mood swings? No. It's why I personally stay in my room & hide under the blankets. Even I can't stand to see what I have become from mood problems. Please ask her how she feels dealing with the mood swings.
My husband is more intimate indoors than outdoors. He rarely holds my hands outdoors (when dating/even married). That is the level of PDA I have to accept. Please ask her what is her level of PDA.
Do you both know each other's love languages? Maybe take the quiz together to find out.
I am the wife who wants to separate but my husband said he still loves me. His steadfast love is the only reason why I try to have an interest in him again.
Please ask her if she still loves you. Please ask yourself if you still love her.
Thanks
Submitted by Sometimes Hopeful on
Hi TS0000, thanks for the response. I do think that maybe the Adderall was increasing her paranoia at first, it seems like now that has changed, as well as her overall mood swings. Also you say to ask her about how her mood swings make her feel - ha! I don't think asking my wife about her mood swings and feelings will go over very well. To date she has not told me much about her Adderall, other than when she first started taking it and when she forgot to take it once. I think she is choosing to go on that journey alone for now, or maybe she has someone she is talking to about it such as our next door neighbor who happens to be a counselor. I don't know if she has some embarrassment about it, which seems to be the case (she has not really talked much about having ADHD either, even though she was diagnosed with it at some point prior to us meeting, possibly since childhood).
Our level of PDA for the first few years was pretty high, my wife's mom would actually comment on it and tell us to get a room. Of course as the honeymoon phase was over that dropped as one would expect with any marriage or long term relationship.
As for love languages - I did ask her about this when we first started dating as I was big on the self help books from the prior marriage breakdown. She thought it was silly and probably an outdated concept but decided her love language fit with the words of affirmation (although it seems like she likes to buy me stuff so her outward love language is gifts more than others). I think both of those looking at it now fit with the way the ADHD brain works though.
On the note of wanting to separate - would you miss him? What would you miss about him? Do you feel like your life would be better or worse single? Would you look for another relationship? How long have you currently been together? Does he actually show you he loves and cares about you or just says it? Do you have kids together? I think that is the biggest reason why couples tend to try to work it out on here that I have seen.
There have definitely been days where I felt ready to call it quits on the question of if I still love her - but it seems like the more I pull away, the more little baby steps she takes with reaching out. We have not had a conversation about our relationship for at least 3 months now. We have also not had any big fights. I no longer feel like I'm walking on eggshells. But - it does feel like we are just roommates with the occasional sign of love. It does feel like it is up to me to end it and make her move out at this point if that is what I want, she is not going to make that decision.
Anyway at the end of the day I guess its up to us to decide in our minds and our hearts how much we care about out ADHD spouse and our own life and happiness, goals. I'm sure this is a common theme here for a reason as the ADHD mind is attracted to someone who is stable, organized, and a caretaker, where the opposite is attracted to someone who is interesting and fun as ADHD tends to be. This makes it difficult for us to choose to abandon them and follow through with it.
Safe word/sentence for each other
Submitted by T00T00 on
My heart and thoughts go out to you both.
If it's not good to ask about the mood swings / feelings, maybe the both of you can come up with a safe word/sentence. When my mood problems come up, I usually say "I don't feel so good & I need to sleep" to others but to those that I know is "my episode is here & I need to sleep." I literally go into my room & try to sleep (to control the mood problems).
Aw. I don't know if talking to your wife about rekindling "the good old days" would make you ease a conversation.
Maybe when she's inside the room, you can say through the door "if you need something, please let me know." Truthfully just those words are sometimes enough when it's repeated daily. Weirdly enough, my toddler child checks up on me (he says "mama, mama, heh heh heh heh" then leaves) whenever I'm by myself trying to sleep & calm my mood.
I would miss my husband since it will take time to heal. Maybe I'll just miss him being there? Life would be harder single but it will take time to adjust. I want to be single for the rest of my life since dating/marriage is hard to maintain. We dated for 7 years plus 6 years married. He says he loves me outloud now & puts effort to compliment me outloud too. He holds my hands because it feels nice for me (having a companion holdhing hands?). We have a toddler child together. It's true that it is the 1st reason (toddler child) I try working the marriage out. I also grew up closer to my dad (not my mom) so it's why I think father-child relationship is as important as mother-child relationship.
This is where I am now which is similar to you: "the more I pull away, the more little baby steps she takes with reaching out." I take it as is & go to my husband's pace now (super super slow for me but I just try to accept it as is). I suppose I am slowly understanding & accepting the effort (even if it's super tiny in my perception).
No big fights/eggshells are a win! I'm still aiming for this... maybe before this year ends.
Maybe dating a "roommate" with a slower pace than when you were dating is something new/worth a try? It's why I am giving my husband a chance (I chased him to date me years ago so I said it's his turn now... hahaha). If you were the one chasing your wife, you can say "I'm chasing you again like I did years ago. I hope you can see my effort, no matter how small."
Very true. It is hard to maintain the marital relationship. Sigh commitment... effort... the difficulty increases when illnesses are involved sometimes.