I am married to a pastor with ADHD. We have been married for 5 years. I went through the courting stage where he was hyper focused on me and his focus has been on anything but me since marriage. He has 4 grown children form a previous marriage that I love. These children however have been allowed to take advantage of me on several occasions, financially, emotionally, physically. it has taken various discussions to have any changes made. I am an outgoing person that loves the Lord and because of my commitment I honor my marriage although I am extremely unhappy. It is unusually difficult because he counsels others when needed but seems to have difficulty with me. i would just like to talk occasionally and be heard. This morning he told me his sermon and I listened while he talked for 20 minutes when I responded with some thought on my own he didnt acknowledge my comments and changed the subject back to him as though I didnt exist. It is a lonely existence. I am so thankful I found this forum because I cannot share anywhere else and fell extremely alone. This site has helped with these issues.
Married to A Pastor With ADHD
Submitted by christianm on 09/24/2016.
Hello Sister:)
Submitted by c ur self on
I sure am sorry for the difficulties you are experiencing...I too am a believer; and I too understand what it feels like to be inviable and someone to be used at times....My situation is basically the same as your's late life marriage w/ step children. There is so much that causes this the way I see it....I truly feel it's not intentional after dealing with it for several years....Just a list of our difference's in how we feel about the things of life tells a major story....
Also, so many Pastors can be overwhelmed by the needs, hurts, and interactions it takes dealing w/ their congregation. Not to mention their time of seeking and hearing the Holy Spirit for what the Father desires him to share....Add a fast mind and hyper focus to that and I'm sure you feel very neglected and quiet starved for human intimacy and interaction...I know I do! ....The busyness of this life can distract us from the beauty of our relationships much of the time..It really is teaching me to lean on the Father...He is showing me that through Jesus he will bring me Peace; Joy and contentment regardless of the earthly circumstances...
I really am making an effort to be at peace with my spouse's living of life; and focus on just coming along side her in the ways it is possible to do, based on her living of life...And just accept the things I cannot change; God is always speaking life to each of us who have ears to hear....A believing husband; and a believing wife can't possibly even study the gospel w/o reading what God desires for us to be to one another....We just have to desire it, or be humbled and obedient to it....
Some times late life mates are sought more out of need and loneliness than for intimacy and a real life partner....It shouldn't be that way, but, when you hear the stories and see the realities it is....
Many widower men are so lost when they lose the wife of their youth, who took care of them...They will just look for companionship not necessarily for love an intimacy, but, just looking for Care and help...:) I wish you the very best and I will pray for you peace....You mentioned his children taking advantage of you in several ways... You will need to stand up for yourself; we live in age of entitlement more than I've ever experienced...No means No...There are many callings on a husband's life; and on a wife's...It's all clear in the gospel....But, in no wise are you to not be respected and loved.....
Grace to you!
C
Dear C,
Submitted by christianm on
Dear C,
Thank you for your words of encouragement. It can be such a lonely walk but I know that with the Lords help I can be joyful even if earthly circumstances are not idea. Does your spouse have an easier time relating to others are a hard time in general relating to anyone?
I am blesssed to teach special needs children and that is a definitely a ministry in itself. I remind myself that there is so much to be thankful for but can difficult when you know that you are an after thought to the that is suppose to cherish. Thanks for the empathy!!!
Hello, Christian,
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
Hello, Christian,
If you've not sought it online, you can find some help there from fellow step mothers and from professionals regarding how to navigate your situation with grown children from another marriage. It's not an easy position for a second wife. Wishing you well on that. As you suggest in your posts, your husband needs to be involved.
Now
CM
Submitted by c ur self on
(Does your spouse have an easier time relating to others are a hard time in general relating to anyone?)
She relates well in area's that do not produce self reflection of the responsibilities of life....She is great w/ children; gets on their level very easily. Grand Children think the world of her. Relates well w/ the Younger generations where Entertainment, good times and fun things are as deep as it gets...
And would relate much better to a group of Christian Women concerning things she would consider sensitive than she ever would with me....With me if it turns to responsibity or things we need to ve accountable for in life...I mostly get defensiveness...She hasn't ever been able to discuss or be open to real life stuff like that, without defensiveness....So any effort to force that only produces a fight or flight reaction for her....And that has done way more harm than just being aware of it an living my life with that understanding....
This may tell you a little....She meets w/ 3 or 4 Christian Women one day a week for a meal and sharing....I ran into one of the ladies one time, and in passing their little get together came up....And I said something like, if she can get up, I know she will be there....And as she was walking off she looked back and smiled and said "Oh we don't count on it"....
Many of her close friends who love her just accept the mind she deals with....She works hard to keep things light and entertaining; that 's her comfort zone....
A quote comes to mind "Being
Submitted by christianm on
A quote comes to mind "Being listened to is so close to being loved that most people cannot tell the difference".