As the NON ADD partner, I have been thinking a lot about people's maturity, naiveté, having fun vs responsibility...that kind of thing in general. I had been thinking of myself as a responsible worrier and seeing dh as a child-like imp in our relationship. But how have I been childlike?
It is time I look at that and help MYSELF GROW UP. I will list the positive ways a mature person handles things and strive for being more mature MYSELF, in general and in all my relationships.
1. I am the creator of my own life. I get to write the pages of my own destiny. (This is not a job for a knight in shining armor or fairy godmother and since dh and I do not communicate, I must do this alone rather than as partners - accepting reality.)
2. I face reality as clearly as I am able and work at accepting what is. (Coping is sometimes necessary BUT a person MUST come out of their self-induced coma of denial and rationalization eventually).
3. I take comfort, listening quietly to my own heart and soul, I bolster my own strength and my environment through gratitude, faith, creativity, prayer, meditation, exercise. (I don't surrender my peace and self respect to other people's opinions, perceived authority/seniority, or their abilities of persuasion).
4. I seek the company of people I trust and admire. (I don't imprison myself in the company of people I really don't want to be around.)
5. I believe God is loving and life-affirming and is in favor of my becoming a whole, expressive, strong person. I give myself permission and a challenge to CHANGE my most tenacious religious beliefs about women and authority. I challenge myself to a NEW and IMPROVED relationship to God, If God is willing. (I held in my mind and heart an authoritarian parent-like entity who is wanting to punish if I misbehave - a man in power keeping a fraternal hierarchy in tact.).....side-note: In my marriage vows, the minister had me surprisingly answer this question in front of a church full of people...."Do you promise to honor and obey, til death do you part?" He did not ask dh to honor and obey me, but rather to cherish me. Guys, this may seem trite, but so many of the things we take for granted in our language (especially in church) collectively make women childlike. How would you like to repeat for your entire life...."Our mother who art in heave., The Lord in my shepherd ..She maketh...She leadeth," etc. To me, as a very young girl in church, the messages had meanings of male authority and i was always taught to obey. And most people in authority were men - some of them not so wise. I was taught that the man was the head of the household. I took that as a command and I obeyed!.....YIKES!
6. I am the maker of my own rules for my life and I define them to myself by growing in maturity through reading good literature, positive conversations, NEW interpretations of the Bible, and healthy associations. I do not have to obey other people's wishes (laws usually yes, other people's whims and wishes, no.) I do not have to answer every question someone asks.
7. I live my life authentically. I am true to myself. I know myself. I am aware of my faults and forgive myself for being human. I am aware of my talents and I use them and display them and i speak up when I KNOW something. I don't hide behind other people's decisions, my own perceived powerlessness, humility, coyness, femininity, team-like attitudes, misunderstood commandments or shyness.
8. I am aware of my thoughts and emotions on a higher level than a child. I can display my emotions...good and bad because I have honest love in my heart that can be shown to the world. When destructive anger or hatred start taking hold of me, I stop and reflect on what lesson I must learn and accept....not permitting the little powerless child in me take hold and have a pity-party or a tantrum.
9. I have courage because I believe in myself and love life and respect myself enough to garner the fortitude to walk through difficulties with as much grace and calm as is possible. The bogey man was scary because of our own imaginations and our feelings of powerlessness. Knowing the facts and facing the facts and accepting the facts give us a reality that stops our imaginations filling us with fear and confusion.
Maturity
Submitted by jennalemone on
I am trying to get a perspective on how to think of myself and how to think about dh by accepting reality and facing my fears (which, I believe, is maturity). Does anyone have anything to add to the list on how to be mature? Do you have a model showing what maturity looks like?
Autonomy as an Indivual Jennelemone
Submitted by kellyj on
To be a completely autonomous individual....you don't need anyone else's help or care to take care of yourself. Even if you are dependent on another person financially....you can be autonomous in every other respect and take care of your own needs and wants without depending on anyone else to do that part for you. If you can be alone and still be happy without anyone else around, I think this is a good place to start. You need to first be able to live with yourself and be accountable and responsible for just you in everyway before that happens. You won't need to be a mother, a wife, a sister, daughter, employee, boss or any other role you can think of to define who you are. That doesn't mean you won't feel the need to be with other people and lonely at times if you are alone for too long...... it just means that you will still feel the same when you aren't and you alone by yourself. You have to love yourself first. I think that is the goal or model you are looking for if I'm correct?
J
I disagree in part, J. I
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I disagree in part, J. I think that part of maturity is acknowledging that one can't survive and thrive as a totally autonomous person. Human beings are social animals; we need each other. To me, a toddler's or 89 year old's "I can do it myself!" is often a sign of immaturity and even delusion.
I disagree in part, J. I
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I disagree in part, J. I think that part of maturity is acknowledging that one can't survive and thrive as a totally autonomous person. Human beings are social animals; we need each other. To me, a toddler's or 89 year old's "I can do it myself!" is often a sign of immaturity and even delusion.
I Agree Rosered
Submitted by kellyj on
Autonomy is just part of being a mature person... independent vs dependent. That does make the assumption that a dependent person will always need with someone else to fill in the gaps of what should be there if you are more mature I think. After I was divorced taking almost 4 years off from relationship and living alone, it was great for a time to get my house in order so to speak. I didn't set out to live alone forever or even want to but I allowed myself time to take care of myself and see what I wanted. There was a point where I found that need you are talking about and I began to really appreciate being around people more and more just naturally ( spending more time away from home ) getting out and doing things with or around other people. Interesting how that works? Your out more and meet more people and potentially someone you might hit it off with versus spending more time at home while I was married. It wasn't my goal to meet anyone for a new relationship but the opportunities came with needing to be out more and just enjoying being around others. I found I liked some of both really......about half the time being alone at home and half being out and doing things with other people. When I was married, I spent much less time with others and I think all things considered, a balance is really healthier even when you are married. What gets in the way of that is mistrust in a marriage and a tendency not to go out as much alone (or not with your spouse) from pressure or fear. Being more mature means the likelihood of that only happening if someone violates the trust in the first place not from being dependent and insecure. Also less likely on either side which means more freedom to grow and go out and find new things to bring back to the table to share together
I agree with you that the fantasy in thinking that you can do it alone as a sign of strength and independence is just denial of what you are saying and is more likely a sign of immaturity. We are social animals as you say. I do believe that the more mature you are (less dependent) the easier it will be to integrate with others socially and be a better partner who is less needy and demanding and easier to get along with......low maintenance is good descriptor I think.
J
J
Hi Gennalemone.....Thoughts on Maturity
Submitted by c ur self on
Since maturity cover's all aspects of our life...Physical, Physiological, emotional and spiritual I think we need to look at ourselves in categories....I also think we need to identify our weaknesses....And things that we feel has hindered our ability to grow and mature. (Not to use as an excuse of course, but, so we can thoroughly come to know our tendencies, ( how we react and think) so we will recognize those thoughts and feelings as we experience them)
I read your post and believe you are on the right track (hope u r cause I'm trying to do the same) in your desire to live life as a mature person who takes on the issues of life in a responsible and mature manner regardless what other's around you do.
Concerning the spiritual side of things; God's word addresses man kind through out. It covers both sexes. God's love is not hindered by sex, nationality, skin color, or religious affiliation or no affiliation at all....If you have life and breathe in your body you have God in you, because there is no life outside him.
From Genesis to Revelation we get a picture of who this Sovereign God is: his love, his judgments, and his righteousness. When a man takes a wife he is told through out scripture what God's requirement's are for him. Same for the women. It's all the way through the bible and it's been this way since the beginning of time and will be this way when Jesus comes back and receives his body.
What my problem is when I look at the spiritual things of marriage and the callings on my life; is my resistance to submitting to God. Making excuses based on her living of life....I must be taken down to be able to experience Jesus in a way my wife is loved properly (As the Father would have it.)...Same with wives...
So many marriage's even Christian marriages are so messed up because the way's of the world has gotten so mixed in the visible church of today. ( efforts to mix law and grace) with the beauty of God's plan for Husbands, Wives and family.
A spiritual conversation
Submitted by jennalemone on
I would welcome a spiritual conversation about strength and leadership and women in marriage. This is what I am knocking around in my head these days.
(sic) a "picture of who this Sovereign God is: HIS love, HIS judgements, and HIS righteousness. When a MAN TAKES a wife ....Jesus comes back and receives HIS body." (see the quote above, c ur self)
Try reading it THIS way and see if the pronouns and words FEEL different to you: "a picture of who this Sovereign God is: HER love, HER judgements, and HER righteousness. When a WOMAN TAKES a husband ....Jesus "Our Lord" comes back and receives HER body." How does that make you feel about authority and your own worth and place in the world from a woman's perspective?
I know it is just words and pronouns. But this has had a place in my (and millions of people's) upbringing....to OBEY HIS WORD - the word of God. To HONOR and OBEY my husband. It has been ingrained in me and many Christian women to SERVE...not to lead. I have been working on my spiritual health these days and my relationship to God. How does a WOMAN find the courage, strength, faith to stand up to her husband when the husband is acting like a child? It is just not permitted INSIDE many of us to go against how we were raised - being taught to be humble, feminine and subservient? (also think culturally - When young, I was a secretary to a man - I had a B.S. degree - he did not, I was a waitress serving a male boss, the men in the church with less education and smarts than me were the leaders, pastors, and counselors - while I washed dishes after the church suppers. I worked at a large department store and when I married, the department store canceled my credit card saying that my name change deleted my credit history, we gave up the last names of our own families and took on the names of our husbands family, I could go on and on with these references) I know I must find the strength...but it goes against everything inside of me to interpret LOVE and STRENGTH in the Holy Bible to support a woman's right to stand up for herself inside a marriage.. The bible was written by scribes in Hebrew. Women were sold into marriage. Women were not allowed to read or vote. It is no wonder there are more women on this forum then men because some of us women were from a culture thought of as the "weaker sex". Now we must go against what we were taught and, without guilt or shame or fear of retribution, try to break away from someone who is not good for us. Or decide to have strong boundaries against the person we vowed to "become one" with? I am just saying women have more to conquer (inside us all, subconciously/conciously) than just the daily "how to" of managing our own sanity, our households, our finances, our children,and (with ADD spouses) our unwilling/unable/or uncooperative spouse. Any comments?
Hi Jennalemone....
Submitted by c ur self on
I can only share the things God is doing my own life; and his words...When you and I are anyone for that matter start asking ourselves questions about life, questions about the Father's will for us...We have to understand a few things..."I will automatically start down the wrong road if I use my mind"...God tells us his ways are above our ways; and past our finding out...He also tells us in are carnal state we are evil and our mind and our thinking will always take us down...So because of these reason's anything I share with you must come through the written and living word..."Jesus".....which always agrees.
I do not have a problem with your saying Her for God....God tells us he is a spirit....In the beginning God created Male and tells us in all of creation there was not a suitable mate for him...So he put the man to sleep took out a rib and formed another person that was suitable for him; he presented this person to the man and the man named her woman because she was taken from man; then presented back to him as his mate...
Side note: this is just something to think about...After the original sin in the garden as documented in Genesis; God placed two curses on the serpent; two on the man; and two on the woman...Most of the questions in your post about your abilities and strengths as compared to some males can only be answered correctly when you understand the second curse God placed on all married women...(see Genesis 2:16)...After you read this curse....Ask yourself this question...What would it be like for Women and Men if sin and the curses had not occurred? This is hypothetical of course, but, If you could bear children without pain; and your Husband didn't rule over you, things would be different...But, only men and women who accept the spiritual truths that our creator said will be can find the peace God wants for us as Men and Women.
Also a few more points.... In no way is a women inferior to a man. Respect for and submission to a husband by his wife isn't about him; it's the fruit of who is living in the wife's heart. Same for the man; There is much instruction through out the Gospel and it all points to loving my wife as myself. She is never to not be honored and loved....
To look at the way the world lives; and treats marriage will always be a lie....The marital union in Christ is Holy; "two being one" Christ and the Church, Husband and Wife....They should mirror one another....
C
Spirit and Heart and God
Submitted by jennalemone on
Thanks for replying c ur self. I am so struggling with this. I am trying to grow in spirit. I will read this a few times and welcome any more you might have to say about biblical references to marriage. I have done some Googling on the topic.
Jenna,
Submitted by Bou (not verified) on
Jenna,
You don't at all have it easy.
I like what c has said about God's care for all of us, women and men both. I do think that God wants us to grow and to thrive.
l've been thinking about your religious questions about marriage. The apostle Paul has some things to say about it. There's some tendency to extract "wives, be submissive to your husbands" from what he says. It's there in what he writes, all right. But if it's not selected out but read in the whole passage the whole passage of Paul insists on c's view, that the couple are to respond to and serve each other. Husbands, Paul says, are to serve their wives, as Christ serves the church. Imagine that level, Christ's level, of whole being giving for the wellbeing of a spouse instead of ordering her around or just taking from her. i guess what I'm saying is that when Paul talks about marriage, it is not one spouse down, the humble servant, but the other spouse getting all the service and not having to lift his or her pinkie to submit and serve.
I dont think that paul's view that both submit and serve make it easier if one spouse won't, or can't, reciprocate, give, care for the other spouse. But at least to me it clarifies that if one is serving and the other is not, it's not the server's mess up that it's not working. There's no way to fully be the marriage Paul talks about without both doing acts of care, and putting the other persons needs before one's own, Which leaves you in a hard place, but I hope it releases you from guilt about things being uneven b/c he takes but doesnt do things that care for you and honor you. Wishing you well. Now, I'll be quiet and listen to you and c. Sorry if that was an interruption to your conversation.
I do believe God wants you to grow and thrive.
I've been reading your posts
Submitted by lineman1010 on
There's some tendency to extract "wives, be submissive to your h
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<
There's some tendency to extract "wives, be submissive to your husbands" from what he says. It's there in what he writes, all right. But if it's not selected out but read in the whole passage the whole passage of Paul insists on c's view, that the couple are to respond to and serve each other. Husbands, Paul says, are to serve their wives, as Christ serves the church. Imagine that level, Christ's level, of whole being giving for the wellbeing of a spouse instead of ordering her around or just taking from her. i guess what I'm saying is that when Paul talks about marriage, it is not one spouse down, the humble servant, but the other spouse getting all the service and not having to lift his or her pinkie to submit and serve.
>>>
As someone who belongs to a Christian faith, but who is married to someone with a serious mental illness, those passages don't work very well.
Don't get me wrong. I have no problem with them when the couple is mentally healthy. But, when the husband is mentally ill, and that's made worse with Borderline PD and NPD, there really cannot be much of any "being submissive to your husband," because the husband's demands are often abusive, irrational, and dangerous.
When the husband isn't "loving his wife as Christ loves HIs Church," but instead is abusing his wife, there can't be any faithful submission.
There is a radio talk show therapist who wrote a book about wives taking care of their husbands. The point was: If wives took good care of their husbands, then husbands wouldn't stray, wouldn't divorce, wouldn't do all sorts of bad things.
I bought that book before I knew how mentally ill my husband was. However, when I read it, it clearly was never intended for women who are married to men who are mentally ill and abusive. For one thing, the wife can never do "enough". No matter how self-sacrificing she is, it's never enough. NEVER enough.
My own mother, who was NOT the type to meddle or criticize her daughter/son in laws, recognized that no matter how much I did for my H, it was never enough. While raising little ones, I would bring H coffee in bed every morning, lay out his clothes for the day, pack his suitcase for every business trip, unpack his suitcase after every business trip, do all the shopping and made sure that we were never out of anything needed. Did all the laundry, so H never had to worry about having "clean clothes." I truly was a partial slave. It was never enough for H. H would loudly complain that I "wasn't doing enough for H."
After years of hearing these complaints, while also seeing how I waited on H "hand and foot", my mom finally said to H, "what more can she do for you?" My parents were married for 56 years before one of them died. My mom was a traditional housewife, but she would readily admit that she never did all the things that I did for H.
Anyway, once my H got his hand on that book, H decided to use the contents of that book to hit me over the head. figuratively. He'd repeat quote, and then yell at me for not following them. I tried to gently explain that I already was doing more than most wives did.
H wouldn't accept the fact that his mental illness made it impossible for me/
I'm so sorry OWW, that you have dealt with such abuse....
Submitted by c ur self on
Loving Jesus and not being appreciated; and in many cases even being abused can make for a hard life. The Gospel was written to believers; and some times even people who think they are (we are) trying to live in Obedience to the word, gets it wrong....Selfishness runs deep; and the fleshly mind is desperately wicked; Who can know it?
You make a good point about Love and serving one anther...If God is being glorified in my life its usually not something I would choose...So we must continue to be humbled, guard our hearts from being hardened, flee self-righteousness, and daily live a life of thankfulness.
No man can take away our Joy; because no man gave it to us..:)
C
It is very hard....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
It is very hard because many "marriage messages" and "child-rearing messages" are intended for mentally-healthy couples. When one spouse isn't mentally-well, many of those messages just don't apply very well.
My H was a "good parent" in that he would do things with our kids, and he did financially support them. However, H used HORRIBLE judgement when parenting them....either over-indulging them (as his mom did) or giving out punishments that were far too harsh (like his father did).
So, I would have to intervene....often. That "flew in the face" of the common wisdom that parents be united in parenting and that one parent shouldn't undermine the other. I had to constantly reduce H's "punishments" because they were RIDICULOUS. Also, they were often punishments that H expected ME to carry out. For instance, H might tell a child, "you can't watch TV for a month" (for some REALLY MINOR offense...REALLY minor). If this was during the summer, he'd expect ME to make sure that this child didn't watch TV for a month! Uh no. And not for some minor offense.
We went to a therapist about this, and the therapist FULLY agreed with me that H was totally wrong. The T gave H a behavior chart. Every week, each child was allowed a couple of "gimmes" (minor offenses with no punishment). After that, a SMALL consequence was given (like no TV for ONE night). Then if another offense happened, then maybe have to sweep the backyard (or something).
Each week would be a new week. This did work well, but H was still angry at me because common wisdom says that parents are supposed to (blindly) support each other's parenting styles.
Ha-ha. I remember that book
Submitted by doublej on
I read that Dr. Laura book and I came to the same conclusion that you did. It won't work with some people--and my husband isn't even abusive or mentally ill.
Even though Dr. Laura took a very sexist slant with this book (I think with the intention to sell more copies), I think her fundamental argument was sound: kindness is rewarded with kindness. Love begets love. When you do nice things for (or "take care of") your spouse, they do nice things in return. When marriages break down, often times returning to acts of love and kindness can restore the relationship. Her book was about women taking the initiative. It easily goes both ways, though.
This principal is a basic building block of society. It's called the law of reciprocity. It basically says that when someone does something nice for you, you will have a deep-rooted psychological urge to do something nice in return.
In healthy marriages and relationships, it's natural to give and receive. Reciprocity is a beautiful thing and produces goodwill and warm feelings. It's not a contractual thing...if you do this for me, then I will do this for you.. It's not a scorecard and it's not a manipulation tool.
I tried the Dr. Laura experiment. I "took care of" my husband. I didn't nag. I did loving acts, etc. And I got very little in return. In fact, it seemed like the more I did, the more he asked for. He did not start taking care of me or showering me with love and attention (as the book promised).
I don't think my husband was a greedy, selfish bastard. I think he just did not notice what I was doing. Reciprocity works at an unconscious level and I think his ADHD mind was oblivious to it.
Unfortunately, I do think it gets very unbalanced in an ADHD/Non relationship so when it comes to loving acts of service you almost have to keep a scorecard. I wish things could happen at the unspoken level, but that doesn't work for us.
Excellent points DoubleJ
Submitted by c ur self on
The more I did the more he asked for...No Reciprocity...This reality of many severe adders lives can really be hard for a non to accept...We must see it for what it is and learn to work within the constraints of their minds ability...peacefully hopefully:), When we accept it like you state, we learn not to place expectations that are not going to happen, not on any consistent basis....And I agree with you; it's not intentional.
C
Biblical Ref....
Submitted by c ur self on
You can spend some time in Ephesians' ch 5 vs 22 through the end of the chapter...Peter chapter 4 and Corinthians Chapter 7....But, don't do what I did...Use it wrongly to try and save my life, and point out her short comings :(...The call on my life, your husband's life and every husband living and breathing can only happen as we see ourselves as needy, and Jesus as the answer. Same for wives....In other words, just learn and seek after revelation concerning that spoken to wives:)....Do you realize how Awesome God is? God so honor's wives' who live Holy (abiding in Jesus the holy one) that he sanctifies her husband and children even if they are not believers', did you know that? You will also be encourage by the verses in Peter ch.4...Many Husband's and Wives are won to Jesus by the Loving Kindness flowing out of their believing mates....
C
Responding to your first
Submitted by Bou (not verified) on
Responding to your first posts in June: i don't think maturing ever ends.
Now in October, the discussion has turned to the discrepancy between an ideal of reciprocity between two adults, and a marital situation in which one of the partners can't, won't, or doesn't know how to reciprocate.
Plus what about mutuality, the near cousin of reciprocity, in which people don't strive for a balanced exchange of favors, but both voluntarily see what they can do for each other. And what about complementarity, a model of relation that some people nowadays buy and some dont that uses as an ideal, that there are characteristics and relation roles for the husband, and different, but interlocking characteristics in wives and roles in which she acts in the marriage that fit like a puzzle piece with the roles of the husband.
By bringing up complementarity, I dont mean to suggest that I buy the concept as a unilateral for everyone. I'm only wanting to add it the ideals of mutual caring, reciprocal exchange of acts of loving care. All three ideals of a relationship presume that both adults are habitually self-managing, active in the caring, and willing to do acts of care.
but back in June when you started this thread, Jenna, it seems to me from looking at its title and first posts that at least one thing you were putting out there for us was the question, OK, there's an imbalance. How does one pursue one's own process of maturing if one's spouse doesn't reciprocate much or interlock with the other spouse well?
In that circumstance, of imbalance, how does one grow, in an intimate situation with someone who has no desire or on some matters, no present means of changing in ways that build relation. How to mature while married to an adult child?
I think you've asked a tough question. One difficulty is that the person of the two with the weaker social skills or less developed practical life coping skills may, or may have to, default on getting work and caretaking done, and so an extra large amount of managing, tending, fixing, and plain physical labor shifts to the more capable of those things partner, which can box the second partner into being the mommy or daddy caretaker....and through lack of time for anything other than caretaking, the second one can get frozen in place, frozen in place, and the second person's growth is put on the back burner. No news there, regarding that danger, not on this board
Another possible danger to one's ability to mature as a person if living with someone pretty immature in some things that are interrelational, is that one is tempted to do one's spousing only within the framework and limitations of the immature spouse's capabilities and willingnesses. Of course, of course one engages with people where they can engage. of course.
But to me, if I take your title concern seriously, it is not and cannot be enough for more socially adept, or the extra work-doer, to make herself or himself little, so to speak, reciprocating only at the level that the less grown up spouse can reciprocate.
The potential danger I see to that to me becomes more visible if I transfer the dynamic from between two adults to an adult-child relation with let's say, a six year old or a ten year old. If that's all that the adult does with the child, get down to the six year old's level, to conduct the relationship, that is crashingly condescending to the child in my opinion. As if the child doesn't have it in her or him to do anything other than be six. Sometimes its good and right to play with the child and teach the child at the spot in life where the child is. Good to use vocabulary in speaking that the child will immediately understand. Kids want and need this. Anyone, whatever age, wants a relation that accepts them where and as they are. So I'm not saying don't do it.
But in my opinion, adults sell out kids and sell out themselves and the relation, if they are not themselves when they're with kids as well, speaking in their own ways, acting as adults, living up to their own standards, telling their own stories of things that kids don't experience, and pursuing their own wellbeing and growth.
In a relation between two adults in which one clearly is not accomplishing some adult basics for whatever reason, I think its very hard for the caretaker of the two to keep maturing. Not impossible.
I respect very much what you're tackling with great courage
OMG! Just read this.
Submitted by jennalemone on
I love when someone puts into words things my unconsious mind "knew" but have not been put into words before. These ideas have swirled in my head for decades but I never saw them in print before. I remember drawing a picture of bored, sad me when I was first married. It was a giant me sitting in a kindergarten room in a desk far too small for me.. I knew what it symbolized but was using denial and distraction to cope with reality. I grieve the life and growth I know I was capable of but did not give myself the permission and opportunity to experience.
Bou - please write more
Submitted by jennalemone on
Bou, if you are still reading in this forum, please write more. I need to hear more of what I know you have to say.
No. 7 Is the Tough One Jenna
Submitted by kellyj on
When I read your list (which a good one) and hit No.7, I could see for myself....this is a tough one. It boils down to one thing....compromise. Having all the other things you said and still being able to compromise with other people to adjust to their needs while not betraying or compromising yourself at the same time. Being authentic in word and deed and holding true to yourself is a difficult skill to master. I'm very much a work in progress and still working on this one. I think if you can do just this one....you are doing well in the maturity department. As it came to mind, I thought I would mention it too:)
J