I'm new here. My husband is ADHD. I'm so frustrated because he never sees his fault in anything. He has no legitimate friends because he feels like everyone bullies him. He refuses to consider that he contributes to the end of any relationship. Is it common for someone with ADHD to always be a victim? I feel like he never accurately assess anyone elses point of view, especially mine. I'm exhausted. He can be so mean. He's either really happy (which gives me anxiety because anything can change that on a dime) or he's really angry and depressed. He refuses to be medicated though meds have been positively effective in the past. I fantasize about leaving him all the time and the thought gives me more relief than sadness. I do love him, but I'm sad, scared, and tired. I'm constantly belittled. He's most recently decided that he hates my brother, who happens to be my best friend. Please tell me I'm not alone.
Mean and hypocritical
Submitted by Aucher02011 on 09/20/2016.
I get it
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Aucher02011,
Welcome to the forum. I hope you can find some encouragement and answers here.
When I read your post, it resonated in my mind! My life felt exactly like that when I discovered this ADHD & Marriage site. I can tell you - you are not alone.
Has your husband been formally diagnosed as ADHD? At what age was his ADHD noticed/discovered/suspected?
Sincerely,
Liz
Hi Aucher2011 - you are most
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Hi Aucher2011 - you are most assuredly NOT alone.
My husband is mean in a passive aggressive way, not quite as "obvious" as your husband. I feel your pain about that anxiety... When he is in a good mood, I am scared to death that something will happen and suddenly he will change, then its back to eggshells and wondering if I am doing or saying something wrong. Every I do seems to be controlling him (according to him some days, and then when i ask him to tell me what it is I am doing that makes him feel that way - suddenly I am not doing anything at all. GASLIGHTING ME).
While I cannot speak for everyone here, I can make a good guess that MOST of us do fantasize about what life would/will be like with out our husbands in it. For me - it will be a very real reality shortly as he is leaving (because he feels controlled but cannot explain how or why he feels that way, and because he is 'broken" and doesnt want to do any thing that would help him be "unbroken" - because thats too hard). I waver between excitement about the peace I will find and the new things I will have in my life, and the sadness about having to mourn the loss of what I thought was my best friend, the man I would spend my life with and the man I still love very deeply.
The only thing you can do - really anyone can do - is control your own actions, and be sure to take care of yourself. Dont let him define you and belittle you. This is something I still work on. Detach as much as you can, and make sure that you meet your own needs. That way you can have a stronger position and more clarity to determine your own fate.
Welcome to this club.... I am sorry you have found yourself here.
Marriage is not for the faint hearted
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
I was just reading about a new book,The Four Seasons of Marriage, by Dr. Gary Chapman: He is the author of the book, The 5 Love Languages.
I can clearly see that marriage is difficult, and a lot of work. This is from Dr. Chapman's book:
A spring marriage - exciting time of plans and anticipation; most couples begin their journey together in this season, but it can be experienced throughout life.
A summer marriage - happy and healthy marriage when things are going well—you're solving conflicts, enjoying life and growing together.
A fall marriage - the relationship looks good on the outside, but inside is apprehension, and perhaps sadness.
A winter marriage - cold, stagnant season without joy or growth.
Take a usual and customary life, complicate it with unmanaged ADHD, and you have a group of people who eventually find there way to this forum.
I have been trying to find the balance between my understanding of an ADHD brain, and my spouse's understanding of how a mismanaged ADHD brain can affect a relationship.
On my own end, I have been working on being the best Liz I can be. Some parts are uniquely me. I love them. Some things are habits, and patterns of behavior that have developed and can be changed or adjusted if it will improve the relationship. Some cannot and need to be acknowledged and worked around in the benefit of both parties in a relationship.
Respect of our differences and trust of the goodness of our differences are things I am working on achieving. I do not want either my spouse nor I to be in the condescending position of thinking the other person is so lucky to have us, that there needs to be no work on compromise.
Very truly,
Liz
LOL, neither is the solitary
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
LOL, neither is the solitary life for the fainthearted. One can become all crabbed and bent, only having to answer to oneself...
Best to you and to the man you love.
My eyes have been opening
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
N.O.N,,
As I participate lfor a longer and longer time on this forum, I see things I didn't see before . . . . . in my own being.
Alas, as I have learned quite well - I do not get do-overs. Can't go back. Can't do it any different. It is just not an option that I have available to me.
And I chose to spill my frustrations through my words. They became real to me. And a tangible thing I can touch.
I did not know what it took to make a relationship work. I truly thought I had to MAKE IT WORK. If something didn't go as I thought/planned/wanted, I did not sit down with my spouse to discuss it. I tucked tail, and fixed it. I was in a very vulnerable position, by believing I was so very lucky to have a man show interest in me, and I had to making darn sure I didn't ruin it - thus my focus was on 'not losing him.'
Funny thing, I still want to focus on not losing him. However, I have much clearer and healthier view of a relationship. And what Liz brings to the relationship. And what Liz does not want in a relationship. I have balanced my expectations, and acquired a tool belt of ways to work through things - so we can both come out as happy and content.
I can come on here and post responses to other people's thoughts. I can share what I learned. I can understand the difficulties my spouse deals with every day. I can't balance anything for him. I can speak about how I am affected by things that happen. I can take ownership of my own feelings. And I can defend my rights without getting ugly, nasty, saying hurtful words, or disparaging comments, or making nicks in his male ego. That part of a man is very important. I want to keep that in my thought, while not letting the male chauvinistic views of my very own church cause me to hide in shame for wanting better things for my relationship with my spouse.
No matter how we look at - life is a journey, and we need to be prepared to deal with stuff, in a way that can be peaceful. Hiccups happen. Bumps happen. Sad things happen. Disasters happen. Those are the times we wish to have a strong partner to help us through them - - - - even if only to encourage and hold our hands. I am not sure why those things tend to become battlegrounds. . . . . . .but they do.
Very truly,
Liz
.
Hello, Liz.
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
Hello, Liz.
You are truly on your way, in my opinion.
No we can't get do-overs. Yes, we can't go back to the past. The question becomes, How are you going to spend your time and life on this earth?
I'm on the site to learn, too.
Like you, I also thought in earlier life that it was my job to make everyone happy, and to clean up all the messes. To take emotional responsibility for others' feelings. If they had a problem, I was at fault, or was the responsible one. Sound familiar?
You really chimed with my memory, when you wrote that for a long time you thought you were lucky that a man showed interest in you. I too anxiously turned myself inside out not to lose relationships. I'm glad you're moving on from that.
What was so terrible to me back then about losing relations? Oh, I don't know, it went back very far to upbringing...I wonder if most things do. But loss of relation was so terrifying to me back then, that I'd do anything anyone wanted, to not run the risk of being cut off.
I have to say, for myself, Liz, that that wrong understanding that I couldn't live, unless I kept people happy let me into morally weak and worse behavior, at times. In that era, I was a "strange attractor" for people who would use me, because I taught them (quickly, in the first part of the relationship) that I'd tolerate anything, to keep the relation.
It hasn't ruined my relations since that time, to have boundaries and standards. At present I'm working on also having my own hopes and dreams. Not someone else's. I haven't lost a single relation that I cared about over insisting on my dignity. Not like "I'm the princess, the Queen of Sheba"...I don't think that "I'm special" is particularly dignified, anyway. I mean something closer to what you often write on the site: "Here I am."
Making that shift, from turning myself inside out to please other people and not lose relationships, into understanding that there's nothing wrong with me, as a soul seeking to grow, is why I'm now in a relation with a man with ADHD who from the beginning wanted me, not for what I could do for him.
I really like what you're doing with using writing on this forum to name your thinking, and for speaking who you are. Just saying that. I think this forum helps us with those things. It certainly does me.
Of course we wish for partners, as we go forward. Of course we do.
All my best.
Now
<<He can be so mean. He's
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<He can be so mean. He's either really happy (which gives me anxiety because anything can change that on a dime) or he's really angry and depressed>>
Why do people think that every bad symptom is ADHD??? I don't understand. Time and time again we have posts from (mostly) wives saying, "my H has ADHD.......he does.(list of terrible things)". Yes, maybe H has ADHD, but he likely has something more significantly wrong....BiPolar, personality disorder, major mood disorder, severe anxiety, dysregulation, OCD, whatever.
Imagine that your child has exzema. But your child is limping, and has a stomachache, and he has a cut that is bleeding. Would you call the doctor and say, "my child needs to be seen, he's having problems with his eczema"? The child may have eczema, but those symptoms aren't eczema.
I realize that it's easier to stomach the idea that one's partner "only" has ADHD, but when people come to this forum, it's usually because they're dealing with issues that go far beyond ADHD.
Many of us, "walk on eggshells," with spouses that will "turn on a dime." That's not ADHD.
Please get your H evaluated. Likely he has something more seriously wrong than just plain ole ADHD.
I agree....
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
My Ex-Husbad did not have ADD/ADHD. I believe he had other issues, that something else was wrong. We have been divorced for almost 7 years. For most of our marriage, he was mean, selfish, verbally abusive. If something didn't go the way he wanted, or if anything went wrong he took it out on me. He was a different person when we were out in public and around my family and his (until the end).
You are absolutely right that ADHD cannot be blamed for all the bad behavior that goes on in a marriage.I don't know what was wrong with my Ex, and I may never know. My life is better now without him. I am healthier emotionally, and optimistic for the future. I have been with a wonderful man for a year, and he has well managed ADHD.
OWW....
Submitted by c ur self on
I really like what you say here OWW; it's my perception also...But; I have to admit as I read the next to last sentence; I broke out into a smile and a chuckle.....(Please get your H evaluated)
I can just hear my W, when I tell her to go get in the car....I'm taking you to get you evaluated...That might work better with a puppy...LOL.....
C
C, yes, he would never agree to it
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Trying to get my ADHD husband evaluated would an exercise in futility He's okay with being diagnosed ADHD, but that's as far as it goes. He WILL NOT get evaluated as to what degree, and/or what other underlying conditions are co-morbid with what else is going on with him. He is too afraid to find out, because he believes he is "TOO SMART" and has "Too high of an IQ" to have anything else wrong. (his words) That is an incorrect assumption on his part, but what he believes to protect himself from being labeled "crazy". He never had a problem calling his brother crazy (paranoid schizophrenic, diagnosed) but don't anyone shine a light on him. FEAR.
dede....
Submitted by c ur self on
Well Dede...I can understand his desire to feel good about himself....But at what cost does one hold to that perception? Just keep praying for a break through.
C