Looking back over the past 11 years of my life, much of the difficulties in my marriage relationship, and my own pain, has been self inflicted....It happens when I expect my W to think, feel or behave like I do....I was reading an old post,  (January 2019) and a light came on for me...Not one that life isn't teaching me, with all the harshness it can dole out...But one I wish had been able to hear and accept going into this marriage...(Which probably would have stopped the marriage)....But one worth mentioning again non the less...If not for you guy's, then just as my own reminder going forward.....

This poster said....Her and her husband (adhd/add) and children had plans for a movie and dinner out...She and the children found themselves waiting w/ tickets in hand, and a no show husband, who couldn't be reached....But eventually they heard from him, and he was on a train headed home....Her comment about this event is what struck me so profoundly...("Yet another family outing ruined by her husband") Maybe not her exact words, but, I got her point....Why? Why did those words hit me so hard?..Think about it?? Oh, and she also said that they had communicated over text regarding this family event (reminders)....So what was his reply when she questioned him about his decision to not consider his commitment?? I bet all commitment minded people know the answer....Blank..Little to no concern....

So what's my point, you may be thinking :)....Well, If I truly accepted the type mind I'm dealing with (radical behaviors, their word is meaningless at times, no remorse about their uncaring acts, etc) I wouldn't be feeling the same way my poster friend felt...(He ruined the family function) would I?

What would I do? I would believe what I've been shown for years;)...I would put little to no stock in their word, that way, I can shake my head and laugh, and go and enjoy the movie and dinner... With out a thought about them just being them...

So, what has happened to me over the years, (and many of you) that has caused me so much pain, and negative emotion, around their living of life, and their choices??....**It's all self inflicted**....I put stock in her being able to follow through with the same commitment that I do...(fools gold) Will she follow through at times?...Yes, in many area's, especially things that she feels entertains her, excites her, or benefits her...LOL...It's just the mind she lives in (many live in)...I need to remind myself daily, to not expect anything...But just be thankful for my life and blessings...No matter what she does or doesn't do...If our happiness, or our peace of mind, is in any way attached to the life performance of an add/adhd mind, (or any mental illness) we will live a very miserable life...I've did it for years....

What happens when you start fully accepting (stop questioning or showing any concern, or placing any trust in their ability to follow through)  the actions we see and experience? What would happened if my poster friend calmly gave a few minutes of patiently waiting, then checked her phone for a text or missed call....Then (mentally) washed her hands of his failed commitment, and enjoyed her evening? Two things probably happen, both very good....She has a wonderful night w/ her children, because she knew this type of behavior was very possible, when dealing w/ her husband (not her first rodeo)...So what else happens that is good? Well, when she returns home w/ no questions for him as it relates to him being a no show...A light might come on for him!...If anything could help him see himself, that could...(Because the defense he had readied, wasn't needed) Most victim minded people love to control others....They do it, in just this way...The take advantage of people who love them, and show concern for them (people who are willing to engage)....But, what if it is truly mental illness, and in that moment for some reason they had no ability to follow through w/ their promise?? Well, the good news is, acceptance of reality is a win, win, win...You expect it, so your peace, and contentment isn't linked to their (actions) behaviors...If their behavior is intentional (uncaring, and unconcern) then you show them by your healthy life style, that you can't be manipulated, or affected by their life style (because its not yours, and you want own it, and you accept it's who they are) ...And if it is truly an inability,( not intentional) then your acceptance and calmness, concerning the reality of their disorder...(inability to be responsible,, keep their word etc..) want allow for you to turn negative (think they have the ability to live in a way that you call normal)

This type of partner (one you can't put faith in) really shouldn't have access to your well being....Your emotions...Your finances...You shouldn't try to depend on them, when they prove way to often, they aren't trust worthy....I believe in sharing, where sharing is possible and wise....But, I also believe I have to be responsible to my commitments (children, bills, insurance, job etc...) and I refuse to allow someone I can't trust, to hold my livelihood in their hands....All that is more self inflicted pain, built on the faulty illusion, that some how my Spouse has a new mind!....

c