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When I was married, I had to give up hoping my ADHD husband would give me a gift because he rarely would. It hurt, but near the end I started buying presents for myself. That felt amazing. I didn't wrap them or anything, but I'd buy myself a couple things I might not have otherwise - a nice coat, a pair of shoes, etc. For any nons who may have been disappointed over the holidays, I highly recommend going out and treating yourself to the gift you wished you'd received.
Thank you for your post. I created an account here yesterday because I was looking for a place to sort out my confusion and disappointment around gift giving. Having grown up in a house where gift giving was a big deal, it's been extraordinarily challenging to adjust to basically the opposite. For my ADHD partner, it's a chore, it's put to the last minute (if at all) which means I'm home alone for hours on Christmas Eve, and the result of a last-minute grab is a collection of items that don't have much meaning for me. In years past, I've planned a day out together-where we go shopping at the same stores (ones I like) and buy a couple of things independently (so it remains a surprise) and then we go out to dinner, maybe a musical performance. This year I didn't do any of that, and I honestly forgot to realize that nothing would be different from before. I described what gift giving represents to me (thinking of me, wanting to surprise and delight me, wanting to treat me with something special), and that when gifts are selected last minute like checking off a dreaded list, it feels to me like none of that is happening and that I'm not respected in the process. (Just a note that it feels a bit silly to be demanding a gift of any kind, but I am grateful for moments of appreciation that gifts represent.)
I'm interested to hear what others do around holidays and birthdays. Plan experiences instead? (More solo planning, ugh.) Buy something special for yourself, like OP? Hold a party where friends exchange gifts?
Christmas during my long ADD marriage was lonely. My ADD husband neither could nor tried to contribute to it. We mostly ended up celebrating without relatives apart from the children since the family as a rule had the flu in December.
This meant I alone tried to create the Christmas joy of my own childhood, where there were always plenty of capable adults enjoying themselves and creating memories for us.
This has really been a theme in my marriage. A lot of cooking. A lot of gift wrapping. A lot of decorating and flowers. Me alone acting all the parts in the play. Trying to include relatives and friends, but increasingly failing. Because of viruses, my husband's illness and depression that made gatherings painful and conflict-ridden. It's been the same for all holidays and birthdays, also for summer vacations. I think for a person living in a household of five, I've been surprisingly lonely for the most part.
Funny that I still seem to hope for the Christmas joy of my childhood. I wonder how it's best celebrated, now that divorce is final.
Wow, did this ever resonate with me. If I wanted to create happy Christmas memories for our daughter this is exactly what I had to do. Her birthdays were the same. Yes, I could give up on my birthday, our anniversary, etc. but no way would I let her be affected. Just wanted to say that this Christmas and last on my own with my daughter has been wonderful. I hope you can experience that next year, Swedish. I didn't do outdoor lights or go overboard on decorating - I just put up a really nice tree early so we could enjoy it. Christmas is so much calmer and happier without him being apathetic at best and miserable and rude at worst. We did her stocking, then made pancakes from scratch and continued with gifts. Then we went to my parents' house for dinner. Then she spent the 26th with my ex's family. I can finally give her a nice, conflict -free day that feels like my happy memories. And yes, I'm still doing it all, but no one's actively making it harder. I also decided not to host anything this year and people understand (and if they don't, too bad! Lol) The 26th with her dad also gave me a day to recharge. Win win all around. Not sure what you did in this transition year, but just from my own experience, I'd recommend not including your ex in Christmas next year and forging a new normal that genuinely brings you joy. That way it's all happiness and calm on your side and what he does or doesn't do is up to him.
----
Wishing everyone a very happy holiday, however you celebrate!
You're so right Melody. There will be no more treating the ex-husband to Christmas.
Actually, since he hasn't been able to participate in any planning and we just started to shift the children between us alternate weeks, I suggested he take care of the kids Christmas Eve (which is the main celebration day where we live). He tried to invite himself to my house for celebration all five of us, I said no.
He has been asking me to assist him in different ways since he moved out, my standard answer is no. He was very intent on having the children live with him 50% of the time, so now I let him take the responsibilities that come with it.
So he took care of Christmas Eve.
Then, all the children fell ill and came to my house on Christmas Day with an array of viral symptoms. So all the plans I'd made with family have been cancelled, as has our small New Year's party.
I was excited to finally do the holiday season the way I'd like. But maybe next year.
High five on those boundaries - I love this so much! Way to go!
I'm so sorry everyone's sick, Swedish. It's really going around here too but we were "lucky" and fell ill earlier in the month. Wishing all of your kiddos a speedy recovery.
I too have had this experience, many times. Birthdays come and go for the most part ignored. Wedding anniversaries aren't even in the picture so they are just another date on the calendar - how sad. This Christmas just gone my ADHD husband asked his sister to buy something for me to put "under the tree" (we don't have a tree actually) - which she kindly did - but it was left to her to make the choice and then was given to me with an obligatory "Merry Christmas". TBH I would have rather not received a gift as there was no planning or thought put into it. It just feels like a token gift. Unfortunately, it comes with the territory.
I renounced celebrating holidays years ago in my own life, way before I met my adhd ex. It was such a wonderful thing to do, for me and my family (single mom with 4 kids). I took a good look at the reality of the holidays not just for myself, but for many people. High expectations, frantic, chaotic activity trying to capture a feeling of connectedness, peace and joy, financial stress, overindulgence, dashed hopes, disappointment, illness, exhaustion, depression, let down, then lather rinse repeat next year.
It's a very unskillful approach to life!
If holidays aren't going well, liberate yourself, question your values, really examine why you do what you do and is it working? If the efforts are based in history instead of current reality, change the effort because it's not based on self love and empowered living. Start a new tradition, it doesn't have to look anything like anyone ever does on Christmas, it doesn't have to have anything to do with Christmas!
I started taking each of my kids on day dates, lunch and togetherness and shopping for one or two special items, together. They loved and appreciated this new tradition. No stress. No hustle, no deadline, just easy times together. No wrapping, which fits my values of less garbage and waste in the aftermath. My kids said their friends were jealous of the peace and ease of our holidays (pre teens and teens at the time).
You can go on a vacation, save all year for it. If that's not an option, just see if you can consciously let go of what's not working and determine what's really important to you. Maybe even ask adhd partner what is important to them... our mutually dismissive approach to holidays was an area of compatibility actually. A Christmas holiday fantasy sounds to me like one of the worst expectations you could put on someone who struggles with neurodivergence, why try to shove a square peg into a round hole only to end up with cuts, bruises, and broken nails? Take command of your happiness here, doing so has made holidays very relaxing and peaceful for me. The absence of stress can feel like pure joy, without having to add much else! It was an opportunity for emotional healing for me to dismantle the toxic aspect of holidays.
This year, I got a massage (Chinese places don't celebrate our traditions, yay!) Had a self care day, listened to edifying spiritual talks on you tube (aligned with my personal beliefs), did some meditations, and just rested before a small gathering at my daughters house with no gift exchange, only togetherness and warmth. It was lovely. I had bought myself a couple things prior to the holiday, for my hobby. I gave some cash to my kiddos, they love that. Easy, easy, easy. Gratitude and peace all the way around.
I broke up with my ex a couple month or so ago, but it was the same when we were together, except we engaged our shared hobby together on Christmas day and ate yummies. No pressure, just fun.
CANTGOBACK, it sounds like you have figured out what you need for the holidays, and that's great.
My post wasn't about the holidays in general (I enjoy them quite a lot and don't feel stress around them). Rather, my post was about gifts specifically, in that I'm adjusting to not receiving gifts from the one that I love. I think it's perfectly okay that I enjoy receiving gifts, and it's not something about me that I want to change. I was hoping to get some helpful ideas here, which was an effort to "take command of [my] own happiness."
And responded to that. If it doesn't resonate, that's cool, but you were interested in what other people do, and threw out the suggestion of planning activities instead... so i didn't see a question specifically about receiving gifts. Disregard, and good luck!
yet again I do not know to be sad or relieved that others have the same issue. My partner gave me nothing apart from a migraine this Christmas, it is the usual for birthdays anniversary's etc , I don't even mention it any longer . I too was brought up in a family where gift giving and lots of effort went in to making a loved one feel special to celebrate occasions but my ADHD partner does less and less every occasion , literally in the last 18mths being a no show to my big birthday dinner then my sisters then this christmas , of course he has all the excuses mostly it's my fault somehow , any how . He can be a complete storm of dysfunction,chaos, distraction and anger and vile rudeness with items breaking and being lost and dogs wondering off etc etc whilst I try with my best hostage negotiator voice to talk him down from the ceiling and his manic rant and that's all fine but if I dare to say in a very neutral tone , something completely innocuous like where is the dishcloth or gosh it's warm I will open the window , that's is it clearly i am the worst possible person in the world , name calling and vile rants start and christmas /birthday / night out is off and it's ALL my fault !! I have stopped apologising now to family and friends for his behaviour or non attendance and have vowed that next christmas I will organise as a single person , I will not try and cajole a miserable dysfunctional grown man into partaking in something he would gain pleasure from, he is actually quite sociable but seems hell bent on self distruction and instead I plan on going a way on my own with the dogs , it will have to be a very quiet and cheap few days but it will be mine, I will not be at the mercy and whims of an adult who refuses to take responsibility for his mental health and behaviour to others . I am sorry to all you here who have the same issue with special events and ADHD partners lack of interest in special events and get giving, anyone have any ideas on why this is the case ? Happy new year to you all , let's hope 2024 brings some good changes for us all. I am not even trying to celebrate tonight with my partner I would rather right it off at the beginning than wait for his tantrum and any plans ruined .
Merry Christmas!
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
When I was married, I had to give up hoping my ADHD husband would give me a gift because he rarely would. It hurt, but near the end I started buying presents for myself. That felt amazing. I didn't wrap them or anything, but I'd buy myself a couple things I might not have otherwise - a nice coat, a pair of shoes, etc. For any nons who may have been disappointed over the holidays, I highly recommend going out and treating yourself to the gift you wished you'd received.
Happy holidays to everyone!
Gifts
Submitted by someone new on
Thank you for your post. I created an account here yesterday because I was looking for a place to sort out my confusion and disappointment around gift giving. Having grown up in a house where gift giving was a big deal, it's been extraordinarily challenging to adjust to basically the opposite. For my ADHD partner, it's a chore, it's put to the last minute (if at all) which means I'm home alone for hours on Christmas Eve, and the result of a last-minute grab is a collection of items that don't have much meaning for me. In years past, I've planned a day out together-where we go shopping at the same stores (ones I like) and buy a couple of things independently (so it remains a surprise) and then we go out to dinner, maybe a musical performance. This year I didn't do any of that, and I honestly forgot to realize that nothing would be different from before. I described what gift giving represents to me (thinking of me, wanting to surprise and delight me, wanting to treat me with something special), and that when gifts are selected last minute like checking off a dreaded list, it feels to me like none of that is happening and that I'm not respected in the process. (Just a note that it feels a bit silly to be demanding a gift of any kind, but I am grateful for moments of appreciation that gifts represent.)
I'm interested to hear what others do around holidays and birthdays. Plan experiences instead? (More solo planning, ugh.) Buy something special for yourself, like OP? Hold a party where friends exchange gifts?
Gifts and joy
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Christmas during my long ADD marriage was lonely. My ADD husband neither could nor tried to contribute to it. We mostly ended up celebrating without relatives apart from the children since the family as a rule had the flu in December.
This meant I alone tried to create the Christmas joy of my own childhood, where there were always plenty of capable adults enjoying themselves and creating memories for us.
This has really been a theme in my marriage. A lot of cooking. A lot of gift wrapping. A lot of decorating and flowers. Me alone acting all the parts in the play. Trying to include relatives and friends, but increasingly failing. Because of viruses, my husband's illness and depression that made gatherings painful and conflict-ridden. It's been the same for all holidays and birthdays, also for summer vacations. I think for a person living in a household of five, I've been surprisingly lonely for the most part.
Funny that I still seem to hope for the Christmas joy of my childhood. I wonder how it's best celebrated, now that divorce is final.
Christmas
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
"Me alone acting all the parts in the play."
Wow, did this ever resonate with me. If I wanted to create happy Christmas memories for our daughter this is exactly what I had to do. Her birthdays were the same. Yes, I could give up on my birthday, our anniversary, etc. but no way would I let her be affected. Just wanted to say that this Christmas and last on my own with my daughter has been wonderful. I hope you can experience that next year, Swedish. I didn't do outdoor lights or go overboard on decorating - I just put up a really nice tree early so we could enjoy it. Christmas is so much calmer and happier without him being apathetic at best and miserable and rude at worst. We did her stocking, then made pancakes from scratch and continued with gifts. Then we went to my parents' house for dinner. Then she spent the 26th with my ex's family. I can finally give her a nice, conflict -free day that feels like my happy memories. And yes, I'm still doing it all, but no one's actively making it harder. I also decided not to host anything this year and people understand (and if they don't, too bad! Lol) The 26th with her dad also gave me a day to recharge. Win win all around. Not sure what you did in this transition year, but just from my own experience, I'd recommend not including your ex in Christmas next year and forging a new normal that genuinely brings you joy. That way it's all happiness and calm on your side and what he does or doesn't do is up to him.
----
Wishing everyone a very happy holiday, however you celebrate!
No ex at Christmas
Submitted by Swedish coast on
You're so right Melody. There will be no more treating the ex-husband to Christmas.
Actually, since he hasn't been able to participate in any planning and we just started to shift the children between us alternate weeks, I suggested he take care of the kids Christmas Eve (which is the main celebration day where we live). He tried to invite himself to my house for celebration all five of us, I said no.
He has been asking me to assist him in different ways since he moved out, my standard answer is no. He was very intent on having the children live with him 50% of the time, so now I let him take the responsibilities that come with it.
So he took care of Christmas Eve.
Then, all the children fell ill and came to my house on Christmas Day with an array of viral symptoms. So all the plans I'd made with family have been cancelled, as has our small New Year's party.
I was excited to finally do the holiday season the way I'd like. But maybe next year.
Amazing!
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
High five on those boundaries - I love this so much! Way to go!
I'm so sorry everyone's sick, Swedish. It's really going around here too but we were "lucky" and fell ill earlier in the month. Wishing all of your kiddos a speedy recovery.
Thank you!
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Happy holidays to you Melody!
Happy Holidays
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Same to you, Swedish!
Treat yourself
Submitted by Exhausting on
I too have had this experience, many times. Birthdays come and go for the most part ignored. Wedding anniversaries aren't even in the picture so they are just another date on the calendar - how sad. This Christmas just gone my ADHD husband asked his sister to buy something for me to put "under the tree" (we don't have a tree actually) - which she kindly did - but it was left to her to make the choice and then was given to me with an obligatory "Merry Christmas". TBH I would have rather not received a gift as there was no planning or thought put into it. It just feels like a token gift. Unfortunately, it comes with the territory.
Holiday stress
Submitted by CANTGOBACK (not verified) on
I renounced celebrating holidays years ago in my own life, way before I met my adhd ex. It was such a wonderful thing to do, for me and my family (single mom with 4 kids). I took a good look at the reality of the holidays not just for myself, but for many people. High expectations, frantic, chaotic activity trying to capture a feeling of connectedness, peace and joy, financial stress, overindulgence, dashed hopes, disappointment, illness, exhaustion, depression, let down, then lather rinse repeat next year.
It's a very unskillful approach to life!
If holidays aren't going well, liberate yourself, question your values, really examine why you do what you do and is it working? If the efforts are based in history instead of current reality, change the effort because it's not based on self love and empowered living. Start a new tradition, it doesn't have to look anything like anyone ever does on Christmas, it doesn't have to have anything to do with Christmas!
I started taking each of my kids on day dates, lunch and togetherness and shopping for one or two special items, together. They loved and appreciated this new tradition. No stress. No hustle, no deadline, just easy times together. No wrapping, which fits my values of less garbage and waste in the aftermath. My kids said their friends were jealous of the peace and ease of our holidays (pre teens and teens at the time).
You can go on a vacation, save all year for it. If that's not an option, just see if you can consciously let go of what's not working and determine what's really important to you. Maybe even ask adhd partner what is important to them... our mutually dismissive approach to holidays was an area of compatibility actually. A Christmas holiday fantasy sounds to me like one of the worst expectations you could put on someone who struggles with neurodivergence, why try to shove a square peg into a round hole only to end up with cuts, bruises, and broken nails? Take command of your happiness here, doing so has made holidays very relaxing and peaceful for me. The absence of stress can feel like pure joy, without having to add much else! It was an opportunity for emotional healing for me to dismantle the toxic aspect of holidays.
This year, I got a massage (Chinese places don't celebrate our traditions, yay!) Had a self care day, listened to edifying spiritual talks on you tube (aligned with my personal beliefs), did some meditations, and just rested before a small gathering at my daughters house with no gift exchange, only togetherness and warmth. It was lovely. I had bought myself a couple things prior to the holiday, for my hobby. I gave some cash to my kiddos, they love that. Easy, easy, easy. Gratitude and peace all the way around.
I broke up with my ex a couple month or so ago, but it was the same when we were together, except we engaged our shared hobby together on Christmas day and ate yummies. No pressure, just fun.
CANTGOBACK, it sounds like
Submitted by someone new on
CANTGOBACK, it sounds like you have figured out what you need for the holidays, and that's great.
My post wasn't about the holidays in general (I enjoy them quite a lot and don't feel stress around them). Rather, my post was about gifts specifically, in that I'm adjusting to not receiving gifts from the one that I love. I think it's perfectly okay that I enjoy receiving gifts, and it's not something about me that I want to change. I was hoping to get some helpful ideas here, which was an effort to "take command of [my] own happiness."
I read your last paragraph
Submitted by CANTGOBACK (not verified) on
And responded to that. If it doesn't resonate, that's cool, but you were interested in what other people do, and threw out the suggestion of planning activities instead... so i didn't see a question specifically about receiving gifts. Disregard, and good luck!
Happy Holidays
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Same to you, Swedish!
So this is another ADHD thing !
Submitted by Elsa on
Hi All
yet again I do not know to be sad or relieved that others have the same issue. My partner gave me nothing apart from a migraine this Christmas, it is the usual for birthdays anniversary's etc , I don't even mention it any longer . I too was brought up in a family where gift giving and lots of effort went in to making a loved one feel special to celebrate occasions but my ADHD partner does less and less every occasion , literally in the last 18mths being a no show to my big birthday dinner then my sisters then this christmas , of course he has all the excuses mostly it's my fault somehow , any how . He can be a complete storm of dysfunction,chaos, distraction and anger and vile rudeness with items breaking and being lost and dogs wondering off etc etc whilst I try with my best hostage negotiator voice to talk him down from the ceiling and his manic rant and that's all fine but if I dare to say in a very neutral tone , something completely innocuous like where is the dishcloth or gosh it's warm I will open the window , that's is it clearly i am the worst possible person in the world , name calling and vile rants start and christmas /birthday / night out is off and it's ALL my fault !! I have stopped apologising now to family and friends for his behaviour or non attendance and have vowed that next christmas I will organise as a single person , I will not try and cajole a miserable dysfunctional grown man into partaking in something he would gain pleasure from, he is actually quite sociable but seems hell bent on self distruction and instead I plan on going a way on my own with the dogs , it will have to be a very quiet and cheap few days but it will be mine, I will not be at the mercy and whims of an adult who refuses to take responsibility for his mental health and behaviour to others .
I am sorry to all you here who have the same issue with special events and ADHD partners lack of interest in special events and get giving, anyone have any ideas on why this is the case ?
Happy new year to you all , let's hope 2024 brings some good changes for us all. I am not even trying to celebrate tonight with my partner I would rather right it off at the beginning than wait for his tantrum and any plans ruined .