I just need to vent for a second . . . I am so tired of hubby referring to every conversation he can't recall or remembers incorrectly as a "miscommunication." It makes me feel like he's saying there was something wrong with the way I communicated something, and most of the time there isn't. We'll have a conversation, make a plan, whatever an be on the same page. We're even in the habit now of having him say an outline of the plan or conversation to help cement it for him. Then later he doesn't remember, or doesn't remember correctly, and first he's snippy, then after I remind him word for word what we said and it triggers a memory for him, he says he's sorry there was a "miscommunication."
I don't mean to look a gift apology in the mouth, but it seems like he's dodging accountability. Doesn't "miscommunication" imply there was something wrong with the way it was communicated, not the way it was recalled? It also places part of the blame on me, when I've been doing everything I can to make sure there isn't any "miscommunication." Everything was communicated just fine. I guess I'm just frustrated.
I've stopped saying anything about it because even if his apology seems insincere in it wording I know he does realize it was his recall, and feels guilty and embarassed about it. I don't want to nit pick or start a fight but there are times when I hear the word "miscommunication" and I just feel like I want to scream. I figured some of you might understand.
Have you ever asked him
Submitted by ladyflower10 on
Have you ever asked him exactly what the "miscommunication" was? I don't think he's using it in the way you're taking it as "YOU misunderstood me!" I think he's using it as a general all around "I heard wrong, I explained wrong, we didn't understand each other, I forgot..." kind of way. I do think that you're probably right that he's a bit embarressed that he can't remember so he's using this phrase as a catch all to explain. It is a good thing that he's admitting a problem. But, next time he says there was a "miscommunication" ask him exactly what the miscommunication was and let him explain.
I have asked him
Submitted by Rattiemama on
I am sure you are right that he doesn't mean it in an accusing way, but in the end I still feel like by refusing to own up to what really happened here, he is shifting some of the blame to me, and I guess I'm just tired of being blamed when I've done everything in my power to prevent the exact situation that occours.
I have asked him before what the miscommunication was and it usually ends up with us getting into a big fight. I'm sure he is using the phrase "miscommunication" as a catch-all for something went wrong . . . but that's not what that word MEANS, and I honestly think by using that way he avoids having to truly feel accountable.
I just don't think there's much to be done about it, not to mention that I want to pick my battles. I just needed to vent because I felt if I heard the word "miscommunicaiton" one more time I would scream.
From the other point of view
Submitted by ladyflower10 on
I do think you're right that he is using this as a way to shift the blame from him, but I don't necessarily think he's trying to shift the blame onto you. I think if that was his intention he would just say "You misunderstood me" or "That's not what I said!" He does recognize that he has a problem, but having to admit that he's always wrong is probably not easy for him.
When you and your husband have these conversations are they usually pretty long and in depth? Is it possible that he's trying to remember too much and gets confused or just can't remember everything? Is there too much detail or do things get off track?
The reason I ask is because my husband has a tendency to speak longer if he's trying to "hammer" something into my mind. Problem is when he draws it out like that I lose focus and can't remember half of what he said. Even if I heard and understood something in the beginning of the conversation by the time he gets around to the end I can't even remember what I had agreed to in the beginning! (Literally it's quite common for our "conversations/arguments" to last 3+ hours.)
For example, yesterday my husband and I got into an in depth financial discussion about using our tax refund toward paying off some credit card debt. Then, he started going off on different tangents about putting so much in savings and starting a savings fund for our son, changing his mind - thinking options out loud... By the end of the conversation I was confused about what he wanted me to do - how much to put in the savings, how much to go toward the credit cards, etc. This is a conversation we will have to have again because I just ended up confused.
It does sound like your husband and I are alike in this aspect. Be careful of thinking out loud. I do have a tendency to sometimes hold on to the first thing I've heard - even if my husband later changes his mind. I do know I have a problem with remembering things, but I have an even harder time admitting I remember something wrong when it seems so real to me. Have you ever had a dream that felt so real that you still believed it after you woke up? These "false memories" can feel the same way, but the only way you know it's false is because someone tells you so. It takes a lot of faith and trust to believe them. I even struggled with this yesterday when my husband claimed I said one thing, even though I remembered saying something different. I felt angry because I was positive that was not what I said. But, the only choice I had was to say "You're right. I'm wrong."
blame in miscommunication
Submitted by arwen on
Rattiemama, my husband also used this phrase all the time when we were in the stage of our relationship where you are now. What he meant by this was "I think I'm right, and I know you think you're right, obviously something went wrong in the communication somewhere, I don't want to waste time dealing with blame, because we'll never settle it to both our satisfaction anyway, let's just call it a miscommunication and blame nobody and move on". It wasn't a case of him not wanting to "own up", it was a case of him not wanting to take accountability *for something he couldn't remember*. Put that way, I can understand my husband's point of view. *I* wouldn't want to say I'd been wrong when I believed I was right, either. When my husband and I would discuss these situations, we'd always come up against the point that while I could pull supporting evidence for my claim out of my memory, he couldn't do that. It wasn't a "level playing field".
My husband learned over time to accompany his conclusion of miscommunication with an apology for whatever he might have contributed to it (he couldn't be more specific, because he couldn't remember!). It sounds like that's probably not happening with your husband. I can't say it helped eliminate the frustration completely, but it was better than a jab in the eye with a sharp stick, as my grandpa used to say. At least it made it clear that he recognized and accepted that he might have some responsibility, and that he wasn't secretly believing it was really all my fault.
I don't know about your husband, but mine feels bad when he does something that he recognizes is wrong. Like most people, he doesn't like feeling bad, and his ADD helps him forget what he did wrong. When he lets that happen, what he is left with is just the memory that he felt bad and didn't like it. (He has a harder time forgetting feelings that he has forgetting knowledge -- I'm sure that has something to do with the different parts of the brain that are involved in these memory formations and storage.) According to his immature emotional logic, since he doesn't like feeling bad, what he should do is avoid feeling bad by not acknowledging that he did something wrong! -- whereas non-ADDers more typically avoid feeling bad by learning from their mistakes and not repeating them. ADDers often have trouble learning from their mistakes due to their memory problems, so there can be a great temptation to use this immature alternative approach. It sounds like your husband could be doing something similar here. But just because he's refusing the accept any blame does not automatically mean he is placing it on you. While I found it really difficult to understand that my husband didn't care whose fault the miscommunication was, the truth was that it really didn't matter to him. He was perfectly fine with blaming nobody. Your husband may be looking at your situation the same way.
Earlier in the thread, you mentioned that you and your husband would do a paraphrase check after your conversations, but it didn't help. I have found that people with ADD in general have *terrible* auditory memory (of course there are exceptions). I have found that the more different ways and/or more frequently I can reinforce something my husband needs to remember, the more likely he will remember it. When we meet and discuss stuff that is important for him to remember, he (1) takes written notes (2) reads the notes back (3) sets at least one alarm in his PDA (sometimes up to three) (4) if it's really critical, he makes a large reminder with 8x11 paper and a fat sharpie, which he puts wherever he cannot possibly miss it when he needs to be reminded (e.g. on the bathroom counter next to the sink, so he sees it in the morning, or taped on the car steering wheel, or some such). If it's some new rule or agreement we have worked out that he's having trouble keeping in mind, he puts a daily reminder on his computer or in his PDA. It's a "belt and suspenders" approach, because if I rely on just one method of memory, it's a complete crap shoot whether he'll remember correctly, and if I rely on his auditory memory, I'm guaranteed to be disappointed. Yes, it takes more time and trouble, at first he hated doing it and I hated waiting while he did it, but we have found it really does work and is worth it to avoid the miscommunications -- and it has gotten to be far less troublesome with many months of repeated practice.
Just a thought-maybe you can
Submitted by speechie on
Just a thought-maybe you can "check for understanding" after you discussed something important with your husband. One way you can do this is to ask him to rephrase what you just told him right then and there. That way you will know that you are on the same page or you can clarify what you meant if he misunderstood. Also having him rephrase what you talked about will help him if he has a problem with short term memory, which many ADDers have. If I am discussing an important plan with my husband, we often write it down on paper. We both sign it and we each get a copy. Visual reminders help and when he remembers the plan a different way, I can reach for my copy and show him on paper what we agreed to. Hope this helps.
We do the check-in
Submitted by Rattiemama on
Oh yeah, we do the check in. As I said in the original post, after a planning conversation or anything we're in the habit of having him say the plan back. We'll make lists for some things, but it's so formal and time consuming that it's only practical for big things, not little things like planning the details of sharing the car tomorrow. I don't htink either of us would go for the signing an agreement thing . . . way too formal. We have written down lists of goals etc though, and it sometimes helps.
In the case I was venting about, we had had a check in at the end of the conversation where he repeated the plan back to me in his own words, just perfectly. However the next day he was angry at me because he remembered the plan wrong.
That's the thing that makes me crazy . . . it seems like even having the check-in (where he tells me what the plan is etc) doesn't mean anything because even though he understands it now, who knows whether he will in an hour, or tomorrow, or next week. I can't live my life writing down every single thing, but I'm tired of getting snapped at and then having it blamed on "miscommunication" because he's having recall issues.