Four years ago, my daughter got very angry with me when I shared with my family - meaning my son, my daughter and my spouse - how I realized the error I had made in playing the peace maker and always relenting/giving-in/swaying to my spouse's anger so he could be happy; how I realized I was NOT doing a good thing; how doing that had backfired on me major big time. I let them know I was determined not to be controlled by my spouse's anger - and I know it would be rough - but I was sure the outcome would be positive.
My daughter was angry with me. She thought I was being mean. She thought I was ruining our family. It was even the catalyst that propelled her to find her own apartment quicker than she had originally planned.
My daughter got married 18 months ago. When she was dating her husband for the 4 years prior to their marriage, we always teased her about how she was "marrying her father." She and her Daddy have a special bond, so it always brought her a chuckle.
It became quite obvious there was some sort of 'trouble in newlywed paradise' over the past Holiday Season. Tension was thick, and they were icy towards each other. My daughter did not want to talk to her mother about her marriage. My son-in-law insisted they had just had an argument, and . . . . . .he was not backing down.
Last night our daughter tearfully shared her pain: She gets no validation for who she is and what she does. No shared household chores. Feeling at the bottom of his attention after video games and weekends with his buddies. And most painful for me to hear: "The only way we ever end disagreements is if I go and say I'm sorry, because I don't like him being upset."
At age 23, she is seeing a counselor alone "to work on herself because she cannot fix him."
I had previously told my family that I respected all of their feelings about how our marriage got a major upheaval - BUT, while I would listen to them vent, my son and our daughter had no place interfering/trying-to-fix my relationship with my spouse. I would listen to their frustrations, but I would not take sides. They love their Dad, and I know they love me.
Hey, I am not doing a good job with my own relationship with my spouse. I have no great words of wisdom for my daughter. I tend to feel a bit guilty - but I know she is a grown up and has to make her own decisions. I got her back, I will love and support her - in whatever choices she has to make.
It is a nightmare that I didn't see coming.
Last night my spouse made a random statement - "Well her melancholy-ness can't be helping much. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ."
Can't change him. Can't make him want to see.
I can only make decisions for myself. It HAS been calm here at our house - as I have steered clear of anything that would be conflict.
This is where I got. This is why I lost all hope.
God help us all.
Liz
I'm sorry to hear this, Liz.
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I'm sorry to hear this, Liz. I have two daughters and I worry about the effect on them of my poor relationship with their father and of their father's neglect of me and them. Like you, I've experienced instances in which my husband has said something about one of our daughters and his comment makes clear that he has no self-awareness of his own behavior.
ADHD -
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Rosered,
And here all along I thought my biggest area of concern would be the possibility that one of their future children would have an ADHD wired brain. I know it has genetic component - but not sure how it passes along - such as "If a Dad had ADHD, can it travel along the DNA or genes or whatever to his daughter's children?"
My area of concern was that our son-in-law "does not believe in ADHD." My daughter and I had many conversations over the power struggle it would be if they had a child with an ADHD wired brain. She would have understanding/acceptance, he would want to discipline it out of them.
Liz
Our older daughter has some
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Our older daughter has some ADHD traits. But she's much more like me than her father in terms of emotions: wears her heart on her sleeve, is extremely perceptive, loves to talk. Now she's suffering through times of great anxiety when guys don't respond to her text messages, and it is so painful for me, not only for her sake but also because it reminds me of the fact that my husband/her father never calls me and rarely responds to messages.
Not just Moms & daughters, but moms & kids.....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
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Four years ago, my daughter got very angry with me when I shared with my family - meaning my son, my daughter and my spouse - how I realized the error I had made in playing the peace maker and always relenting/giving-in/swaying to my spouse's anger so he could be happy; how I realized I was NOT doing a good thing; how doing that had backfired on me major big time. I let them know I was determined not to be controlled by my spouse's anger - and I know it would be rough - but I was sure the outcome would be positive.
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Good for you! I made a similar apology to my kids (both sexes). My H wasn't there, but that's because he would have gone ballistic if he heard that because he doesn't think I ever "give in" to him.....even tho I frequently did.