I am a stay at home mother of 3 children age 4 and under. That alone is exhausting and can make me lose my patience easily by the time my husband- when he lived here- came home from work anytime after 8pm. He works weekends, with every other Sunday off and one day a week. Whenever he had a day off he would golf or just sit and watch tv, play with his Blackberry, anything but me. Now he has decided he wants a seperation because "I don't know." or for my happiness, that I deserve someone who will love me the way I deserve to be loved. I seemed miserable, I was but I wasn't. I just felt unloved, unimportant, lonely, along with being tired from the kids and housework. I took lots of things out on him. I wish I had come across this site earlier in my marriage, so I could understand that all the times I felt unloved could really have been an effect of the ADD and he wasn't as selfish as I thought and everything I had been feeling was normal. Some of the blogs express my feelings much better than I ever could.
His history is that he had been diagnosed with ADD as a child and was on medicine until he was 17 when his mother died and didn't make him take it anymore. He is just now- after 6 years of marriage- taking steps to as he says "fix" himself, but will not let me support him. He will not talk no matter how hard I try, not willing to try anything my way. I think he has just convinced himself he is done. I have tried journals, I have gotten 2 emails in a month that both could be summed up as he wanted to leave. But still no real reasons why.
I have no idea what to think. I know that despite everything that drove me crazy about him, I loved- and still do- him and the man he is inside. I do not want a divorce, I want to work on our marriage, I need to learn not to yell because no matter how loud I yell I will still feel unheard. I know we both have our issues we need to work on- and we are both going to counseling individually- but not for our marriage- as he is unsure if he is willing and able to put in the effort needed to save it. I need answers that he can't give me and that is frusterating, to which I feel the need to keep telling him I am here to support him and love him in hopes of getting something back. It's not working. I think I am making it worse but I need need answers. He was the first man I ever completely trusted and for him to do this to me, I feel I at least deserve to know why. Does he really not know?
My therapist has told me I need to put my foot down and not let him be the one in control of my marriage or my life, which I agree with; I just don't want to feel as if I am abandoning him either. He said he just wanted me to wake up one day and realize I was better than him and to pack up and leave. But I'm not like that. I didn't marry him for only the good times. I knew who he was when we got married and that person is who I fell in love with and still want to spend my life with. I have told him all of this and still nothing.
I don't know what is his ADD or what is part of something else- his self esteem took a huge hit when he lost his job a few months back despite getting a new one- or what part is actually me. Do I walk away? Do I stay until they figure out his meds and hope they work right away the first time and he is willing to work on changing his behavior? Or has he already walked away for good? I just feel so lost any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.
on the precipice
Submitted by george on
Nikkip925:
You have reached an interesting impasse, one which Melissa and I reached a few years ago. She was constantly trying to "fix" me, in more and more desperate ways. These ways usually manifested themselves in brow-beating, harping, belittling ways. I also came to the conclusion as your husband appears to have come, that is, if Melissa was so unhappy with me, perhaps she could find someone else who could make her happier, as I had finally "checked out". I could not seem to satisfy her, no matter how hard I tried. All my efforts resulted in very negative feedback.
It was not until we both reached an epiphany (described in great detail elsewhere in Melissa's blog) that we came back from the brink. And we were quite close to, if not already over, that precipice.
How to change? How to get him back? Tell him about your epiphany. Read some of Melissa's suggestions and learn from her experiences. Your husband, however, will actually need to want to participate in the solution. For that, you need to convince him that you actually can once again be the woman he fell in love with and wanted to marry (with the exception that you now have 3 children under the age of 4, which certainly changes your life dramatically from what it was before children).
You need to remain lucid and rational, working positively with him to make changes. Criticize the actions, not the person. Understand that many of his actions that negatively impact you are not the intentional results of active motives, but rather, the accidental and currently uncontrollable outcome of the ADHD. And seek help, but make sure that any relationship counselor really and fully understands the impact of ADHD on relationships. If they don't, they are likely to attribute actions (or lack of actions) to motives that may not really exist, rather than understanding them as the outcomes of untreated and uncontrolled ADHD.
And while medications help with ADHD, they are not the immediate magic potion that immediate cures all the relationship's ills. There are habits that need to change, self awareness that needs to be nurtured, and an understanding developed of the impact of ADHD on those around you. These can be assisted by medication, but will not happen solely because of the medication. And it will take time, and the relapses will be many. But not out of intention or spite.
your story sounds very familiar
Submitted by BreadBaker on
My newly-diagnosed ADD husband left me about eight weeks ago, and is just barely speaking to me. He's just "given up" on the marriage, and is very self-absorbed. Nothing I do makes any difference, and he doesn't seem particularly interested in how I'm doing. He won't own up to what the ADD did to us. He's acting as though our failed marriage was my fault and his "learning experience," and now he's going off to use that knowledge elsewhere. That I invested years of love, effort, and great sacrifice into our marriage seems to mean nothing to him. And, again, there's no sign of any understanding at all of the great damage his ADD caused to our marriage and me.
All that said, I know there's a great guy somewhere under all of that ADD. I've seen him peep out on occasion, and that's the man I love and married.
But I don't think that *he* wants that man around. His personality has changed quite a bit over the past year, and I've been increasingly marginalized in my own marriage. I was expected to hand over control of everything to him, and everything had to be done on his schedule. I've been so miserable that I nearly left him on several occasions.
I have a timeline in my head for when I will finally give up and just divorce him and walk away. I'm giving him until a certain date to acknowledge what's going on, and his place in it. I've gone through hell for years for him, and sacrificed my happiness and career trying to hold him--and us--together while he did whatever struck his fancy at any given moment. *I* know that this is due to the ADD. If he can come to me and show me that he understands this as well and is willing to work on the marriage, then I'll take him back. Otherwise, I need to move on. I've been in a holding pattern for too long, and deserve better.
You do, too. Don't wait too long to move on.