Hi, I'm new to this group and happy to have found it. I need some advice, and would love to hear what you guys have to say. I'll try to keep this short and sweet.
I was diagnosed with ADD (not hyper) when I was 12. I'm now 37. I am in a long-term relationship with a woman I love. We have a very young daughter together whom we both love with all our hearts. But I have ADD, and it's leaving my girlfriend feeling isolated, unloved, taken for granted, and overall disrespected. I love her, but she's not seeing it, and it's obviously taking its toll on our relationship.
To add to the stress, we recently moved to another country so that I could start a new job. This is a country with which I am very familiar, but my gf is not. She quit a very very good job to come with us, and is now a wonderful stay-at-home mom. This is clearly adding to her feelings of isolation - new country, no friends, no family nearby, hanging out with a baby all day, and a boyfriend who makes her feel taken for granted and unloved. She's gotten to the point where she's fed up and ready to move back to where we came from, taking our child with her. I obviously don't want her to leave, but at this point, I don't blame her for feeling this way.
She knows about my ADD, and she tries to be understanding, but this is new for her too. She's not sure how to handle me, how to handle my constant failure to do things which she thinks should be obvious, and how to handle feeling the way it makes her feel.
Ok, here's where I need help....
I've been reading a lot lately about how ADD can affect relationships, and it's been amazingly eye-opening for me. I've seen tons of paragraphs and stories and said "YES! That's me/us."
BUT, I haven't seen much at all about what the PERSON WITH ADD CAN DO to help make things better. Most of the articles/stories I've seen basically just seem to advise making sure the unafflicted partner is fully aware of the situation and its inherent difficulties.
But what I want to know is, as the one with ADD, what I can I do to be proactive and help make life easier for both of us?
I already am on medication, and it works for me at work. But it doesn't help me in our relationship.
I am all ears. Thank you in advance.
Add is not the problem; it's thinking it is that's your problem.
Submitted by c ur self on
(constant failure to do things which she thinks should be obvious,)
This statement I pulled out of your post reeks of, I'm an invalid....If you truly feel this way. I suggest you let her go....If you truly want to live a more normal and pleasing life....I suggest you do just a couple of things...You are already doing plenty of good things....
One; do not leave the house in the morning without a piece of paper in your front pocket w/ everything you are going to do, or agreed to do that day....Make the list and number them...When you do one of the things...Mark through that item...Prioritize the list...Take care of the MUSTS first....Baby formula? No brainer!.....Poof, no more problems w/ forgetfulness...
I've lived this way since back in my early 20's...(I had a job, two babies, house, and my hobbies in my early 20s, I stayed running) That crushed up piece of paper is a life line to a mind that is so busy, and a life that is so busy that to forgetting things is just part of it.....If you want to use electronics as a reminder fine, but let it be a back up....(If you were using it effectively now, you wouldn't be writing this post) But use the paper note in the front pocket w/ your keys, chap stick etc....So every time you reach in your pocket you touch it, pull it out for a quick look, up date it if necessary, then put it back...
Number 2) Never use add for an excuse to not be responsible...It's not a reason!....That's a cope out and it makes you unfit to be in a relationship where there are responsibilities that belong to only you!
Blessings Friend...Wishing you well
C
Start there you will stop forgetting, she will start noticing.....
Thanks
Submitted by bogie41 on
Thanks for the reply! I will keep your advice in mind.
Communication tip and extra info
Submitted by smd1409 on
ADD friendly ways to organise your life is a good self help book with dealing with your ADD. You might find it useful in helping tackle many ADD obstacles you have, but doesn’t do too well on the emotional and social control side of things. Melissa Orlov’s book on Thriving in ADHD couples does this better with a trade off in organisations skills help. Also it doesn’t help your relationship directly, more indirectly. I would like to help you further on this side, but there are a lot of variations on how the symptoms of ADD can show, so the best idea would be to just suggest a book where you can pick and choose the relevant ones rather than having me guess.
As for the relationship side of things, this gap between understanding each other is normal, even in non-ADD relationships. It’s just widened is all. Without the interference of ADD, the gap is due to lifestyle and gender differences. The key here is trust, communication and acceptance. I could explain what all three mean because I’ve realised my definitions are different to many others, but in your case the most relevant is communication.
I found an effective way to overcome the love misunderstanding gap is to narrate all your efforts in a positive light: for your ADD efforts to improve trust; your love efforts to improve the relationship.
You want to open the door for your wife? “I wanted to treat you like a queen because you are one to me and so I thought I’d open the door for you”.
You suddenly think your wife looks beautiful? Just say it at that moment. Even if it crosses your mind 100 times a day. Even better if you can think of a different way to say it each time.
You want to show her that you love her yet struggle to show it? Tell her that, and tell her you won’t stop until she sees it. (See how I made it positive by adding the ‘keep trying’ part?)
It’s the same with your ADD efforts. Where you fail, try to say out loud why and where you think you failed without making it seem bad. A success happens and make it clear that it worked and explain why you think it worked.
It really does sound stupid in some ways. I mean why do you need to narrate everything your love to someone when it should be obvious? Believe me it’s not obvious whatsoever for any couple. The trusting and acceptance part is comes on here. For example, for most men romance is more about physical behaviours, they might want partners to smile and kiss you when they get home or for them to hug you as you leave the house. For a lot of women the romance is more doing chores for them and spoiling them in every way possible. Both sides want both but they see what they see as romantic is in different things. It’s just a matter of figuring out what it is they see as romantic and making an extra effort there, even if it isn’t something you want.
I don’t like doing dishes but my wife loves it when I do. Tough. I’ve got to learn to do the dishes if I want to improve my relationship. I prefer my wife hugging me goodbye and spending time with me before I go rather than spending a long time making lunch. If I had to choose food or a hug I’d choose hug any day. I know that for my wife it’s the opposite.
This problem occurs in every relationship, not just with ADD-involved relationships. I struggled to do the dishes at first, meanwhile my wife struggled to get around her head that I just want to spend time with her and get a hug before I go somewhere, not a nice lunch. The communication is supposed to help find out where these problems are. And if you don’t narrate your efforts, then you or her won’t know where everything goes wrong.
Thank you!
Submitted by bogie41 on
This is great, thank you! So much insight and some resources to help me get started. I will get both books and hope that they can help me find some ideas and strategies to become a partner that more closely resembles what my wife wants and deserves.
Thanks again. I really appreciate you taking the time to help me out.