Hey everyone
im new here and love reading the other posts. I'm not married to this guy but I've been in a relationship with him and I've been hurt badly.
He told me he's got adhd straight away and I could tell as he was so impulsive but I loved how fun and crazy he was. When we got together it's like it was meant to be, he was so in to me! It was a long distance relationship but we'd met through a friend and chatted loads before we got together. He works away and we FaceTimed 3/4 times a day, we had the most incredible long weekend away together and he was so in to me. He even said he can't believe how on to me he is so quickly, he really cared about me, would be there for me whenever I needed him to be, he was looking in to booking a holiday for us and he made me his world. I fell for him very quickly and he said he's fallen for me too. I was so happy I thought I'd found my soulmate, we just clicked straight away.
4 months in (I know it's not long but it was intense and amazing) we had a few days away planned and he just didn't show up. He didn't answer my calls or anything. A few days later he got in contact and didn't even seem sorry he said he's on s bad place, he thinks he might have bipolar and id going to go to the doctors.
He pulled back massively he didn't seem interested in me anymore but I was always there for him. I wanted to fight for him so kept on texting him telling him I was there for him.
He then started FaceTiming me again and didn't mention bipolar but started talking about his extreme adhd and saying he's never wanted to go on medication but hr knows it's now time to. He's got a doctors appointment in two days.
He FaceTimed me last Monday and seemed himself again, he said he was in a much better place (this was a month of on/off speaking to me but me constantly messaging him asking if he's ok) He was asking how I was and said he wants to see me again, said he didn't want me to trade him in. I said I'm here for you always no matter what.
Thr following day he ignored me, I saw him online and he wasn't responding to me, I admit I went a bit crazy and kept texting him saying please FaceTime me let me know you're ok, you're not ignoring me again are you? Etc
He FaceTimed me thst evening saying he's just been busy, I said I was worried about him abd he told me to stop worrying he's fine. Since last Tuesday I've text him twice and he's not responded, he's ghosted me for s second time. The first time he did it he made a joke out of ot saying he's been googling why he ghosted me and he sent me a link on hyper focus on a relationship. It said they lose interest after hyper focus so I asked him if he'd lost interest and he said he hasn't. He said he's been crying a lot trying to make sense of it all and he's going to a seminar on adhd at the weekend. I really want to be there for him, I care about him so much but I said I'm my last text I will never turn my back on him but I will leave him alone. Now I feel i can't reach out to him anymore and I feel like now I've lost him for good. I'm so hurt as I miss him and I just don't know wgst to do. He's put me through a lot this last month and I'm still desperate for him to call me as I want to be there for him still.
Just after any advice on how to be there for him when he's ghosting me and now I've stopped reaching out do you think he'll come back or will he just be on to the next woman to hyper focus?
Thank you :)
Multiple options, but this is a worry
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
There could be a number of options about why he might disappear and reappear for you:
None of these are the foundations of a stable and healthy relationship, I'm sorry to say. BUT, the concern here isn't actually about him, but rather about you. Because this man is not treating you with respect nor proper attention and yet the more he withdraws, the more desperate you say you feel to get his attention. That concerns me a great deal!
I also recognize some of those feelings and for me, at least, they came from some childhood emotional abuse that I had suffered, as well as lower self-esteem than I would have liked to admit that came from that emotional abuse. That strength of desire to attach to someone who is not treating you well is understandable if you've not yet had a chance to really stand solidly on your own, but sadly is also the basis for getting into an emotionally abusive relationship, which you REALLY don't wish to get embroiled in.
First, let me say 'bravo' for stopping talking with him at this time. I would also suggest that if you have the financial resources to do so, you might consider working with a professional mental health provider for a few months who can help you explore what is going on for you in this situation and what the appeal continues to be. Being more aware of the inner impulses to connect with someone who is not treating you well can help you be more self-compassionate, as well as stronger in the face of the onslaught of emotions he is sending your way (or not sending your way, but that you are feeling as a result, if that makes sense.)
In the meantime, I have two recommendations. First, I recommend not re-engaging with this relationship for a while, until you can better understand your own responses to it (hopefully with the help of that professional). Second, if you decide to stay in it, do NOT commit to a long-term relationship before you've been together for AT LEAST 2.5 years - after any initial dopamine increases that come with infatuation have stopped. This relationship is already unhealthy for you, and seems likely to get more so.
I wish I had more positive things to say that would give you additional insight.
Thank you so much for this! I
Submitted by VBX on
Thank you so much for this! I had a really good childhood or I think I did but I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with my ex 6 years ago who was a narcissist. I didn't realise until after, I just thought it was him and I could change him as he was so lovely at the start. I think with me, when im love bombed which I was on both occasions I fall for them very hard and very quick. Even though this man hasn't treated me well I'm clinging on to the good times we had. He's opened up to me hugely about his adhd and I've been there for him on and off the whole month since he didn't show up for our weekend away. I still care about him so much which is crazy after what he's put me though! I know I have issues and I have booked an assessment for therapy tomorrow but I have to admit I've text him today. I'm struggling to walk away from him and I've told him that. I don't get how one minute he can be massively in to me and the next go totally silent it just hurts and I know if I get a reply off him it will take the anxiety away but I don't think he will even though it was such a lovely message. He needs to just block me. I think I'm holding on to the fact one day he'll realise what a good thing we had. I'm just really hurt but thank you for the reply I really appreciate it. Just wish I knew which one it was :)
Think about this...
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Think about differentiating between the fantasy boyfriend (the one who sees how much he has hurt you and changes his behavior to match your first impressions) and the real boyfriend (the one who actually behaves a certain way). It's too easy to get caught up in who you hope he will be vs. responding to the person he is actually behaving as. When it is all said and done, it is his actions that you must respond to, not your hopes.