My boyfriend or should I say "ex-boyfriend" were dating for 4 months, long-distance. We met on a dating site, we had a conection we haven't had before with anyone else, we were so different but yet so similar.
His life his a mess, he had a little girl with his ex and she have never allowed him to see her, the same ex filled a restraint order for his mom because she doesn't want to have contact with his family, he has a huge school debt, no job because he dropped school before he discovered or was diagnosed with ADHD.
We were doing very well, had some little disagrements but we would always come back stronger, we were making plans about one of us visiting the other, due to the lack of money for both of us, it's getting hard because I live in America and he lives in Norway.
We used to voice-call or video-call for hours, when i say hours I really mean it, we would usually talk like 4 to 5 fives hours and we used to text each other almost all day.
On top of all of that, he has a drinking problem and in order to get proper medication his therapist said he needs to quit alcohol, he was so determined to do it but he had a setback and got wasted with the friends he lives with, after that he got very deppresed and texted me about how sorry he was he had failed to me and how I deserve a better man than him, I've known he has depression problems and ADHD since the first month and i've always tried to understand him and support him, I've told him countless times that I love him for who he is and that I accept with him with all of that. Our conection was so strong we even started talking about moving in together either in my country or his, about how we crave each other in every sense but he had mentioned that he thinks it's not fair for me to be with such "disaster" when I can do so much better with a more mental stable and succesful man.
Until that day he got wasted with his friends, we had a call and he was very regretful about having had drinked because his uncle was also in the hospital for smoking and drinking too much and he said he don't want to end up like him, I calmed him down and everything was seeming to get better, until the next day we barely texted and I was out, i told him I was going to call him when I got home and I did but he never responded, it's been two days and he's still not answering my calls or texts, I might have complicated it even more by trying to contact him trough all of his social media, but haven't been lucky.
His bestfriend told me he is having a very hard time and that maybe he only wants time for himself, but I don't know... my ex boyfriend never broked up with me, he just vanished like this one but there's a difference; with my other ex it was a fight what lead to the silent treatment and he hadn't ADHD and this other one he does have it and we never had a fight or anything that could have led him to the ghosting.
I've read a little bit hyperfocus, do you think he was only hyperfocused and now he realized he doesn't love me? He once told me that he was scared because no one have ever been this kind, loving with him and that nobody had ever accepted him for who he is the way I have and that when he got depressed and most of time he felt like he doesn't deserve me because he's too fucked up to be so lucky to have a girlfriend like me, which I always responded that that was not true, that he was an awesome person and that I was a lucky one because he is a very special person.
Now I don't really know what to do, my family don't know about him having ADHD and I'm sure nobody could understand me like this forum because i've been reading some of your experiences.
Online dating - - and never meeting in person - -
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Karle,
Your Ex seems to have many issues. While indeed ADHD may be one of them, his issues are way beyond the scope of ADHD. 4 months of online dating could surely get your heartstrings all wrapped up with his. While it is frustrating that you invested 4 months of your life into someone who in the end simply ghosted you, online is still not a solid foundation upon which to build a solid relationship. How someone appears in letters and one-to-one in FaceTime and Skype are a far cry from how a relationship works in person. It is very important to see how someone acts and behaves around other people, including how they treat their family.
Ghosting seems - to me - to be the new term for acting very rude. - giving someone the cold shoulder, ignoring them, ostracizing them, giving them the silent treatment, pretending they do not exist. It is not nice - at all. It is mean. And a very immature way of dealing with people.
I have heard a great bit of wisdom - "When someone shows you are tells you who they are - believe them." You included 3 such things in your post: 1: "He thinks it's not fair for me to be with such "disaster" when I can do so much better with a more mental stable and succesful man." 2. "texted me about how sorry he was he had failed to me and how I deserve a better man than him." 3. He once told me that he was scared because no one have ever been this kind, loving with him and that nobody had ever accepted him for who he is the way I have and that when he got depressed and most of time he felt like he doesn't deserve me because he's too ***** up to be so lucky to have a girlfriend like me."
ADHD - his life is a mess - he has a little girl he is not allowed to see - he has a restraining order from that Ex against his Mother"?" - huge school debt - no job - dropped school - lack of money - a drinking problem - Wow, his life IS a mess, and no matter what, you cannot fix all that.
Sincerely,
Liz
He is saving you from a disastrous life. Be glad.
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
When people show you who they are the first time, believe them. ~ Maya Angelou
Truer words have never been spoken.
Time and time again, we see (mostly) young women write posts describing really horrible behavior by their boyfriends. Often the relationships aren't that old.....less than 12 months.
Your ghosting BF has shown you what he is....an addict, someone irresponsible with money (huge debt), someone who likely isn't telling you the whole story about how a restraining order was obtained, etc. I would imagine that he has employment stability issues as well.
You've never even met in real life. Online dating isn't real.
Be glad that you only lost a few months with this guy. It would have gotten worse, much worse.
Thank God, seriously, that it's over and hopefully find someone who can be a stable, reliable partner.
I couldn't agree more with
Submitted by EllaMiranda on
I couldn't agree more with the other two replies before mine. His problems go waaaay beyond adhd and you can't fix them for him or change him. It's not going to get any better while you two are in contact. He needs to get his life under control before adding a relationship to it. He is not someone anyone should be in a relationship with. While it might be romantic to think that you could be the person to come into his life and help him or be the reason he gets his shit together, it won't happen that way. He's the only person who can do it for himself.
You need to think with your head, not your heart. Put all emotions aside and be smart about this and run far far away from him!