Tonight we were talking about politics for an hour laying in bed and from time to time he had outburst of energy he was laying down relaxed then sitting up with excitement and big eyes, we could be talking about a single topic and he ends up on a different one then zones out, I reminded him to try to lay down with me while we were talking and he did his best, after we were done talking he asked if we could do research and I felt overwhelmed, I felt extremely drained after trying to keep up through the conversation and Bringing him back to the topic every single time he railed off, I’ve had worked a 12 hour shift, it was almost 11 pm and I knew his pattern and the research wouldn’t end till 3 am with him falling asleep crashing from all the energy he just burned and me staying up feeling uneasy. I told him I didn’t want to do research, i told him I was exhausted and he said okay then when I went on to talk to him about how I felt emotionally drained and he got angry at me calling me childish, telling me I didn’t love him for him.
and we have had a serious situation in previous days when out of anger he threatened to change the locks, leave my things in the street and leave me homeless which a day later in the evening he promised he will start his medication blaming his outburst on his ADHD, and today when I brought up the patterns he told me it wasn’t fault of his ADHD, he said that he thought we were having a good time but now he knew it wasn’t having a good time and this hurt, I did have a good time I was just extremely drained and it hurts that every single time I am not allowed to express how I feel and he expects me to hear how he is feeling insulting me then when I am feeling extremely bad I ask him to please stop because I know he will regret the things he said in the morning then he accuses me of never listening to him and is not fair because he doesn’t listen to me and when he wants to express his feelings is always degrading me. He exit our room and I followed him to ask him to please listen to my feelings instead of shutting them down then he got angry, I went back to my room and he kept coming in and out the room saying hurtful things to make me feel bad. Like I mentioned we had a big issue a couple days ago and I gave him a chance because he said he’ll take medication and go to therapy but I feel hopeless and embarrassed that I am letting someone treat me so bad, who I can’t communicate my feelings with when he hurts me and then he always says I am making something out of nothing and gets angry at me and I am left feeling confused and wondering why is he angry at me I am hurting. I have tried to break up with him which makes him treat me horrible then he comes to me saying that he wants to keep trying and that everything will be better, and I believe him every time and I feel so guilty for doing so. I love him so much and I don’t know what I can do to have that man I feel in love with back. I am scared of leaving him out of fear of his insults and him leaving me homeless and destroying my things. Can anyone relate ? I feel so alone, I just wanted to tell him how I felt and he never wants to hear it, he made me feel guilty for feeling drained and that I shouldn't be.
Hello Sophia, I hear you.
Submitted by Giorgia on
Hello Sophia, I hear you.
I went through this similar dynamic too many times with my boyfriend. It hurts. And it hurts him too. But it's not your fault. I believe that. We are trying our best to explain to our partner how we feel and what could be done so we can feel better. Sadly it's too sensitive topic for them I guess. Due to so many times in the past when they were not accepted, they need the full acceptance from us their partners. But we can not give it because their behaviour is hurting us. It starts with being tired from their constant inconsistency and then from their hostile and attacking reactions on our explanations.
I feel you. I wish I could give you some advice what worked for me but I have to say there were only a few occasions when we were able not to go fighting. Much more often it was simply impossible to somehow communicate these things calmly.
It is very difficult not to communicate our sadness and tiredness from their communication style. It's tiring to be jumping from one topic to the next only realising we didn't actually discussed a topic we wanted. It's sad to be adjusting to their line of thoughts while they pay a very small attention to what is in our head.
I wish I could give you some optimistic view but I didn't figured this myself. It was hurting me and it was hurting him. In a simple way I guess we were just not a good fit? But then Who would be? Who is always so keen to go on a "wild thoughts trip" without any rules where they don't even matter so much because ADHD partner would go with anyone who would listen anyway?
My Wife Feels this Way
Submitted by compensate@yahoo.com on
He still has some growing to do, as do I. The key for me is that my wife keep her voice very calm and also add a phrase about loving me, or something positive. Let him know that he needs to visualize the situation you two were in and pretend he is you and what that might look like through your eyes, especially after you worked a long shift and are already tired.
My wife and I have been working on our relationship, as I finally started seeing her aspect of our arguments. It took me a long time to get to a better place and I still have room to grow for sure! Hopefully it will work out in the end for you both.
Hi Sophia,
Submitted by C-love (not verified) on
Hi Sophia,
You are not alone in this at all. This perfectly describes my communication with my ADHD husband. For 2 years our marriage has been a struggle with a lot of fighting, me being gaslighted and finally falling into a deep depression. I have decided in just the last week to be kind, calm tone and walk away and shift the dynamic. I had two decisions. I could divorce him or I could stay committed. I wrote a list of all the things I love about my husband. I also started saying no a lot more, taking care of my peace. Since the shift he has been much much more receptive to me, kind, loving and trying to work on his stuff. I will catch him saying negative things about himself and I instantly stop him and say "Dont talk about my husband like that please". I have turned my nagging and hurt into grace, love and patience. This might take awhile for him to shift and change and I need to be patient. If you are not married I strongly suggest that you really think about what you want your life to look like. My life looks very different than I thought it would and I have had to accept that. Since I have been pointing out his errors, trying to cram my feelings down his throat at every offense and sighing as I walk around the house, has given him PTSD. He is on high alert to fail me always. His rage is the same as your man's rage. The difference is I stopped following him! I used to do the same and now I walk away and leave the room when he is being verbally abusive. I say " I love you but your being cruel right now. I know thats your symptoms not you. Time out until tomorrow". I give it one full day and then discuss it when he is at his best. I know voice my feelings in short direct sentences and dont drag on which literally overwhelmed him. I am not sure this is helpful for you at all. Just sharing what I have been doing that has worked. It isnt perfect by any means. I am sick right now and all the sudden he is as well and so now I will be required of as it will become all about him. I see him trying but he just doesnt have the same brain as me. So today as I sit here with hopefully just a flu on New Years Eve I am going to ask him to help do 3 things for me today. Please get me water, I need you to save the day doing this for me, Would you be willing? This has helped him change the thought in his head that he is capable, I respect him and I trust him. The more I keep doing it, the more I believe it and see the positives coming through. Gentle voice, saying would you instead of could you, starting conversations with I love you first off, these have all helped me. I am not sure this helped you. I hope so! There are so many wonderful things I love about ADHD minds. I try and see that. I also try and look at myself. I have my own set of issues that I have dumped on him. I have found that sometimes silence is golden so they can hear themselves. Best of luck!
Cortney
great ideas
Submitted by MelWifeOfADHD on
Thanks I found this useful, esp 'silence is golden'. I really struggle with conflict, always have. But with my husband i've always felt backed into a corner, and in recent years i've more than come out fighting (verbally). I'm so enraged by the thoughtless and extreme stuff he comes out with during an argument (usually over something stupid) and i'm incredibly defensive these days (its taken me 10 years of marriage to get here though!)....
But yes, not something I wanted for myself, or someone i wanted to be. It isnt a marriage I thought i'd have.... mostly because I was always calm and patient. I envisioned something much more 'adult'. But, I find myself here. I know there is the option to leave and I cant say what the future holds. I guess i'm hoping to one day just 'work it all out' (aren't we all!).