I have been married to an ADHD guy for 5 years now. We have him in treatment with a counselor and psychologist, but I feel I need to vent. He has demonstrated totally financial irresponsibility. I let him have his own checking thinking it would teach him to be responsible, pay his bills, etc. I found out he has been withdrawing money without me knowing to to pay for expensive car parts on paypal and having them delivered to his job so I wouldn't know. I am unemployed and have been taking out my savings to survive and cover the bills. I was wondering why my savings was disappearing so fast! It's because I have been paying the bills why he buys whatever he wants. I finally caught him, of which he lied about up the end when I finally got into his account, then he giggled and knew he was caught. Now he insists on going for a trip this week to trade more parts with friends he met online, the gas alone with be $100. I told him we can not afford this and he said he is doing it anyways even if he has to take out money and bounce the acct. I checked his acct (which my name is on also) and he has bounced his acct so much since Jan we have payed 1k in bank fees! Part of this is my fault, I grew up in an alcoholic home and I tend to be a person who "fixes" things or "enables." I have covered up for his irresponsibility to the extent that now I have lots of money on my credit card and I can't get anything payed off. I told him that I am to take over the finances and he said yes that he is not good at that. But now he is insisting that he go on this trip and will take the money out no matter what I say. I told him that I felt as if he was stealing from me because I had to cover everything with my money while he spent all on himself. He said its not stealing it was "his" paychecks! I am very concerned about my financial future. He's pushing us into homelessness at this rate. His ADHD has never manifested in this uncontrollable spending spree. His counselor talked to him and said she thinks he is in a "manic" phase and wants to talk to his psychologist. Manic? I mean does that come with ADHD or is that something else. Whatever he has is severe and u know the lying, selfishness, etc. It's really got me thinking how to protect my financial self when everything we have has mostly both our names on the accounts. I don't want to enable him but If stuff doesn't get paid than its my future on the line as well.
At my breaking point...
Submitted by artsygal on 06/15/2014.
about Teaching him...
Submitted by Standing on
Hi, I am new to posting here, but have been reading on and off for some time. I am sorry that you're having these experiences.One thing I have learned is that giving responsibility in order to teach my husband how to handle that responsibility is a surefire path to disappointment. I am sorry that he has let you down and I hope that you're able to get employment and protect your own assets. What you describe is something we have been through here for ten years and I have never seen any lasting improvement in financial decision making on his part. For the past five years, we have held separate accounts, and that is the only way I feel comfortable. Also, you mention a manic phase. This is something that I've only recently come to recognize as possibly being responsible for some of my husband's most objectionable behavior, and so now he has agreed to be evaluated for possible bi polar disorder. The thing is... it's also occurred to me that if a person abuses the stimulant medication prescribed for ADD, maybe that could also trigger a sort of mania? And besides that, I have often seen that stress appears to make him behave in even more impulsive, irresponsible ways. Best explanation I have read to explain that is - it's like he is looking through a spyglass -- think paper towel tube - and so all he can see is what is in front of him at any given moment. No worries, no cares, no obligations, no concept of what may come next... only: I want it and I want it NOW.
I really think the best choice we can make is stop trying to teach and be sure that we can cover our own debts and needs.
Thanks for your support. He
Submitted by artsygal on
Thanks for your support. He did make the decision to call the local crisis center and ask for help. I am glad that he did as he is currently out of control. I am hoping they will assign another support worker as they have in the past or some sort of help as I feel it is impossible to handle him alone. I prayed and gave everything to God and that is when he called and reached out for help. I pray we get some before were homeless. He is currently on antidepressants (which work good), he does not abuse stimulants but was given a ritalin patch for ADHD. I'm afraid that makes him more irritable/hyper etc. He just may have bi-polar. We'll see what the experts say after he works with them. But at this point whatever he has is not minor its a major case. I do know when he was diagnosed with ADHD they said he has severe and also that his depression was severe. He's on a VERY high dosage of zoloft, im amazed, but it did help him so much when he started those. Now im afraid were going backwards. Well, im glad the professionals have been notified and pray we get the help we need. I think when people are family caretakers of mentally ill the professionals should also have support services for them because I am so burnt out right now, not only that but we need a financial advisor or support as I feel we may be homeless soon. Am trying to do all I can to keep us afloat well helping him to get better.