January 28, 2011 I wrote a letter to my ADHD spouse that I would no longer be controlled by his anger. What I thought at that point in time was the problem in our relationship was me - that I bent and swayed and yielded and allowed myself to be controlled by anger.
So I stopped the participation in the cycle of anger. When he tried to yank my chain, I did not yank back. When he started to argue, I walked away. When he was rude to me, I stated I would not accept being treated that way, and walked away.
I am fairly certain I have gone through all five stages of mourning the realization that it was NOT just me after all - and changing my behavior did not bring about the desired/hoped-for/wanted result in my relationship to my spouse. I am at peace with me - but not in my life conditions nor relationship. I have a job I like, I am continuing taking college classes towards a business degree, I keep up my hobbies, and try my darndest to just let go of trying to keep up with cleaning up after my spouse. I like basic tidiness, clean enough by at least getting rid of the big chunks, and putting things back where they belong at the end of the day, unless they are being used in the project at hand. I have many circles of friends with whom I enjoy spending time.
Whether purposely or not, I feel disrespected by my spouse. His self defensive behavior felt controlling because he would use the silent treatment to ignore me until I couldn't take it anymore and swayed my opinion to return peace in our home. He would deny my own feeling and experiences by claiming if HE didn't PURPOSELY act in contempt towards me, I was WRONG to feel however I felt. He acted as he had the right to speak for me or put words in my mouth that I didn't even speak. He was sarcstic, and changed the subject to something he would rather talk about - usually something that was totally opposite of the issue at hand. Like: "You can't be mad at me for being late, I did such-and-such for you last week." Like one behavior would counter act the other.
This happens so often, it is an undesirable atmosphere in which to live.
So the conflict for me, why it is an issue, is I DO NOT want a divorce. I DO NOT want to HAVE to go jump-start a career at at 54 years of age to support myself. I do not want to have to get a 9-5 job to support myself.
Curses. I am unable to get him to see things from my point of view. Or even accept/understand/have empathy towards how much his negative ADHD behaviors affect me. It is all about him. Grrrrr.
Any steps to adjust my own behavior? Anything I am missing that seem so obvious to the outside reader?
Not taking it personally
Submitted by Standing on
Yep Yep Yep to this:
"Whether purposely or not, I feel disrespected by my spouse. His self defensive behavior felt controlling because he would use the silent treatment to ignore me until I couldn't take it anymore and swayed my opinion to return peace in our home. He would deny my own feeling and experiences by claiming if HE didn't PURPOSELY act in contempt towards me, I was WRONG to feel however I felt. He acted as he had the right to speak for me or put words in my mouth that I didn't even speak. He was sarcastic, and changed the subject to something he would rather talk about - usually something that was totally opposite of the issue at hand. Like: "You can't be mad at me for being late, I did such-and-such for you last week." Like one behavior would counter act the other."
I have come to the conclusion that my ADD husband is not attempting to control me when he behaves like a jerk, when he gets angry, or when engages in the silent treatment. Maybe that's because for the past year I've seen him treat so many others in these same ways (at work) that I now have ample evidence there's no reason to take it personally. Doesn't make it any more pleasant when these poor behaviors occur, but those shooting pains through my soul have eased considerably.
I'm sorry. I know it's not much help, but another thing that's helped to change my view is the fact that my spouse does not hold grudges. I actually don't think that his memory allows for a grudge to be held. This knowledge does not open my floodgates to mooshysquooshy feelings toward him, but I'm getting hurt alot less often these days.
That scorekeeping you mention is something else, isn't it? The "you can't... cuz I did..." Interesting to me how my husband can rub my feet one time for 13 seconds and use that as proof of his care for years to come :)
I have given up on getting him to see how much he's wounded me in the past and am putting that energy into learning better boundaries and growing myself out toward more positive reinforcement than he is able to provide.
the focus I put is on me
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Standing,
I am certainly frustrated at our marriage situation. I have built up my self-esteem to know I do not NEED his acknowledgement of an issue for it to be real to ME. His words can sting my flesh, but they do not chip my self esteem like they used to do.
For me at this current time, it is MY focus on the marriage promises and covenant we made 29 years ago. The wall of tension that surrounds me where ever he is, is thick and undeniable. How can this encourage anyone as a Scriptural example of the value of a marriage covenant?
His choice in score keeping, is outrageous. He will not apologize. Oh, he will say the words if he HAS to, but they carry no weight as they are empty of intnent. His skill at carrying grudges is not a pleasant atmosphere to be around. The whole scriptural idea of forgiveness and letting vengeance belong to God is out of whack in a serious manner. He is especially hostile towards his one brother. And then he gets angry with me as I do not have any issues with his brother. My spouse feels I need to BE ON HIS SIDE. Ridiculous. I respect his right to his own feelings. I just do not choose to carry them as mine.
It makes me physically ill, giving me a queasy tummy, because my deep, internal, long time fear, and probably stumbling block, has been the fear of "If I get better, if I am successful, he wont like me anymore." I do not want to even get near the idea of "A person creates what they fear." I kept tat foremost in my brain my whole life, carefully plotting my steps to make sure that did not happen.
It appears it most certainly did.
It may sound bad to say, but he is just rude. And not nice. Can it really be that I took all that time and effort to keep him all fixed? I truly believe it - but is is unpalatable to speak it. And all the while I thought it was me, I am now finding out our friends and my family saw what I didn't. I guess they thought if I was fine with it, who were they to complain. Who knows. They have heartfelt concern for him, as he is bitter and angry and it oozes out everywhere we are. They love him, and wish he could find happiness and contentment. He tries to blame it on me, as in "If they only know what I had to put up with". . . . .Those words do not make me anything but sad. It doesn't make me shake in my boots and scamper to make it all better.
I do not want to bash him, nor speak ill of him, nor turn anyone against him. I want him to get happy. To enjoy life. To be able to share our lives.
" My spouse feels I need to
Submitted by dedelight4 on
" My spouse feels I need to BE ON HIS SIDE. Ridiculous. I respect his right to his own feelings. I just do not choose to carry them as mine." Wow, this is a statement my ADHD husband has made to me many, many times. He recently told me again, that he feels it's our daughters and me on one side, and he's on the other. We have tried to show our love for him and be patient with him to no end. We have REALLY GREAT DAUGHTERS, and I wish he could SEE that.
I know it's the ADHD talking, and I've tried to tell him that, but since I'm the only one he's heard this from, he doesn't believe it. I ALSO told him he has a right to his own opinion, but I also have the right to have a different one. He doesn't see it that way. He says I should "back him up". There have been times when he has been totally WRONG about something, and in good conscience, I could not "be on his side", just because he WANTED me to agree with him. I told him....."You want me to agree with you, and you really don't want my opinion". (that made him furious) I didn't say it meanly. I said it calmly and stated it as a matter of fact, didn't yell, didn't scream, didn't put him down. He was so angry, and just kept saying "You need to be on MY SIDE". I don't get this whole thing about "taking sides" in a family ANYWAY. In my opinion, we are all in this family as a UNIT................NOT..........as adversaries trying to "one up" the other. (know what I mean?) Or, trying to be the MOST RIGHT about something.
It gets tiring, to have him believe that HIS WAY is always the right way, and no one else is "right" or can have their say. It's a tough thing to deal with on a daily basis. This also comes from a man who prides himself in how "tolerant" he is with people, and how he brags to others how he can "see all sides of an issue". WOW, if those folks could only come to our house for a while.
No blind obedience in our home
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
dedelught4,
He says I should "back him up". There have been times when he has been totally WRONG about something, and in good conscience, I could not "be on his side", just because he WANTED me to agree with him. I told him....."You want me to agree with you, and you really don't want my opinion". (that made him furious) I didn't say it meanly. I said it calmly and stated it as a matter of fact, didn't yell, didn't scream, didn't put him down. He was so angry, and just kept saying "You need to be on MY SIDE". I don't get this whole thing about "taking sides" in a family ANYWAY. In my opinion, we are all in this family as a UNIT................NOT..........as adversaries trying to "one up" the other. (know what I mean?) Or, trying to be the MOST RIGHT about something.
This dynamic has caused a lot or irritation in our home. ESPECIALLY when it came to our children. They were taught to respect their mother and father. Treat adults with respect. Consequences were dolled out for DIRECT DEFIANCE, not childhood oblivion. My spouse demanded from me - but did not receive - that our children NEVER disagree with him, and NEVER have a different point of view. I think he believed it was our job to program our children. So, yes indeed, no matter how politely or gently or respectfully I approached anything, it caused him to feel disrespected. I do not know if this even has anything to do with ADHD. Even if he was 100% WRONG, he wanted bind obedience from the children. I just could not agree to function that way. So, yes I was accused to not backing him up. Sorta like his relationship with any of his siblings. There relationships were engrained long before I met them, let alone before I married my spouse. I take no responsibility for any of their behaviors. I will not dislike his brother just becasue he carries grudges against the man for the past 30 years. Grudges become dead wight after that much time of nurturing them, and polishing them. So sad.
Maybe ADHD affects these ideas. I do not believe they are typical ADHD traits.