Submitted by confused94 on 03/15/2015.
Hi, I know this site is about adhd and marriage but I couldn't find anything else. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now and we have talked about marriage, kids and living together. But he gets so angry and it worries me alot. He's agitated in the mornings so I don't know what to expect or say to him. He can be angry on the phone at night and have a go at me, saying I won't have a good career and that everything including my family is stupid and he wants nothing to do with it. He has a go at me if something goes wrong. He calls me a liar sometimes. He always has to.be right. He swears and shouts about little things like struggling with a shoe. I love him but I've never had a boyfriend before and it's a lot to cope with. He always blames his adhd and he also suffers from aspergers. He's on tablets but without them he scares me a bit. I don't think he would hit me but I hate swearing and shouting. I try to avoid him when.he's like this but he has a go at me for walking away. He's a lovely guy when he's on his tablets but I don't know if the things he says when he's in a mood are what he really thinks. I'm a student at the moment and he moans about having to wait for me to get my degree that in his words are pointless and I'll end up in a dead end job anyway. I don't know what to so. My family thinks he's not good enough for me and should treat me better and I'm really close to them. But what if I end it and I've given up something wonderful. The bad times seem to be more and more often though. What should I do?
Run...find yourself a normal mentally healthy Boyfriend.
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
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But he gets so angry and it worries me alot.
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What you are seeing NOW is only the tip of the iceberg....it will get worse, much worse.
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He's agitated in the mornings so I don't know what to expect or say to him.
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You're describing behaviors that aren't just ADHD....you're also describing Depression, Anxiety, and maybe something else as well.
In my limited experience, people who are difficult in teh morning suffer from depression. I discussed this theory of mine with my sister who is a Clinical Therapist and she agreed with me.
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He can be angry on the phone at night and have a go at me, saying I won't have a good career and that everything including my family is stupid and he wants nothing to do with it.
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He''s using you as a target to take out his anger and frustrations.
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He has a go at me if something goes wrong.
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I first started nothing this with my H when we were first married and working at the same place. On the way home, we would try to "miss traffic" by stopping to get something to eat on the way home. So, often we would try a new place. Well, if service was bad or slow, H would blame me ....he'd yell at me in the car on the way home telling me that I "F'd up" What?????
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He calls me a liar sometimes.
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This will also get much worse. In the beginning H never called me a liar. Now, he calls me a liar at least once a week. It can be for the most benign reason. Most recently, H couldn't find his meds so he yelled at me and said that I took them. I didn't take them and told him so. He immediately began calling me a liar. Later he found them, but no apology.
Things like this happen a LOT. It's like...."shoot and ask questions later." However, H often doesn't even ask questions later....it's all accusations followed by being called a liar.
Recently I told H that I needed to withdraw some money from the bank. I had my phone recorder on, just to protect myself. H responded, "take as much as you need." Then 3 days later he asked why I took out that money. I told him why and I told him that he knw about it. He insisted that I never told him. Well, thanfully, I recorded the conversation and there it was.
This also will only get worse.
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He always has to.be right.
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There seems to be some low-self-esteem issues as well. H always has to be right as well.
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He swears and shouts about little things like struggling with a shoe.
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Yes, and that gets worse too. Next he'll throw the item he's frustrated with....and it can be a pricey item....a phone, a laptop, a tablet, etc.
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I love him but I've never had a boyfriend before and it's a lot to cope with.
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You need to experience some other men, nice men.
to further explain...
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
My H and I didnt date nearly long enough before we got engaged/married. That was a huge error. We got engaged after 11 months of dating and then married 6 months later. We didn't live together first.
H's ugly side was easily hidden because we weren't living together and we hadn't yet been thru any stressful times. There were a couple of times when there were some red flags but nothing too serious.
However, once we were married, living under one roof, together a LOT more, things started worsening and worsening and worsening. At first, I though it was just "marriage adjustment" because it wasn't that frequent.
I was first annoyed when it became rather obvious that his promises to share "housework" was a big lie. We both worked full time, yet H did NOTHING around the house. Instead, all of his free time was devoted to sports, working out, playing golf, etc. When he was home, he was glued to the TV....wouldn't even come to the dinner table to eat.
I was stuck with all chores.
As the years went by, and new stresses in life appeared, home-buying, babies, etc....H got worse. ...and worse....and worse. And the frequency went from "once every few months" to once every month, to once every week, to multiple times per week.
I think back to my previous boyfriends and what a difference. None of them ever yelled at me. They never called me names. They never called me a liar. They never criticized my family. THEY WEREN'T MOODY....they weren't mentally ill. That was the difference.
Find healthy.
I've had TWO ADHD boyfriends...
Submitted by jenna-ADD on
... and I can tell you it's no picnic.
Think about it this way: when you're in a new relationship, you're on your best behavior right? You want to look great all the time, try not to fart in their presence, pee with the door closed, etc... It's almost like being in a job interview... you are on your best behavior.
So think about that... if you are seeing all this negativity upfront now... what will he behave like after he gets even more comfortable and uninhibited? It's hard to let go... but someone who truly loves you won't want to cause you any pain. Love shouldn't hurt.
True -- if this is the honeymoon phase? Ugh!
Submitted by AlmaVera on
Jenna makes a really good point. Relationships that start out with anger and abusive behavior don't get better as they go on. Also, if he has Asperger's, I suggest you read some books on relationships with someone who has Asperger's. Their partners go through a lot of what you're talking about as well. You've got a bit of a double-whammy. I'm sorry.
Like OverwhelmedWife said, a mentally healthy partner wouldn't think of treating you this way. It's hard to walk away from someone when you can look at him and see him as having an illness or disorder he didn't ask for, that also causes him to suffer and to be why he treats you the way he does. You might feel guilty, like you're punishing him. But you're not. Someone with ADHD or Asperger's is not unable to make choices. It takes effort to find the right therapies and to follow through with them, but it is possible.
Is there anyone else who sees him when he's like this? Someone that you can take with you to talk to him, so both of you can tell him his behavior is not acceptable? That his behavior when he's off his medication scares you, which is an indication he needs to take his medication all the time?
Love builds people up rather than tearing them down. He should be supporting you in your education, and be proud of you for sticking with it. You say he's a lovely guy when he's on his meds, but you might want to try something just to be sure -- Take a few moments and make a list of the most important qualities you want in a partner (don't picture him). Next, make yourself a brutally honest "Pro" and "Con" list about him. No excuses for him because you think you deserve certain things because of your own imperfections, or because of his ADHD. Compare the two -- how close is he? What you're seeing now is how he's going to be...and worse. He didn't get this way overnight. He's been building up these behaviors all his life.
Something else that was very helpful to me in assessing my relationship with an ADHD partner was pretending that my best friend was confiding in me about her relationship. 'She' was telling me about 'her' boyfriend, and he treated 'her' the way my partner was currently treating me. 'She' was telling me how it made 'her' feel, 'she' told me how much 'she' loved him and why, 'she' made excuses for him, told me how difficult he was having it, told me what he said to 'her' and how he treated 'her,' etc. It was a real eye-opener. I realized that had it really been my best friend telling me about her boyfriend, I'd have never told her that she should hang in there, that she needed to be more understanding, more forgiving, more excusing, ask for less from him, deny her feelings, do more for him and less for herself. Never -- yet, that's what I told myself. I'd have tried to get her to see what was happening, how this was hurting her and changing her, taking away her confidence and her joy and her hope. That she wasn't even helping him by staying, as she was enabling him to keep treating her the same way and blaming her for his problems, which didn't encourage him to make changes in his behavior through different treatments. The exercise made me very sad, but it ultimately helped me to start the slow process of detaching. And really, when someone treats us this badly, WHY does it take so long to detach? That's another sign of how UNhealthy things are. We shouldn't allow anyone to treat us this badly, but so many of us on this forum are here for the very same reason.
You've been given very good advice.....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
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Something else that was very helpful to me in assessing my relationship with an ADHD partner was pretending that my best friend was confiding in me about her relationship. 'She' was telling me about 'her' boyfriend, and he treated 'her' the way my partner was currently treating me. 'She' was telling me how it made 'her' feel, 'she' told me how much 'she' loved him and why, 'she' made excuses for him, told me how difficult he was having it, told me what he said to 'her' and how he treated 'her,' etc. It was a real eye-opener. I realized that had it really been my best friend telling me about her boyfriend, I'd have never told her that she should hang in there, that she needed to be more understanding, more forgiving, more excusing, ask for less from him, deny her feelings, do more for him and less for herself. Never -- yet, that's what I told myself. I'd have tried to get her to see what was happening, how this was hurting her and changing her, taking away her confidence and her joy and her hope.
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The above is very true.
Aspergers has been way over Dx'd these days. Nothing you've said suggests that he is on the spectrum.
He sounds like he is either bi-polar or has a personality disorder, likely the latter....combined with depression..
Seriously, it will ONLY get worse, and you'll never have the future that you hope for.
My H also has a PD, so he completely and always blames others for whatever is going wrong. A good day can suddenly go very badly ....and there's no stopping it. So, suddenly your plans to have a good time, maybe a date-night, or maybe a social event with friends, has to be cancelled at the very last minute. Once I was all dressed up to attend a Christmas Party with H. We had both looked forward to this "event" because our social calendar had been rather "blah" for awhile. I had bought a new dress, had my hair done, and was dressed to go. H suddenly picked a fight over NOTHING, so we didn't get to go. I was so disappointed....not only because of my wasted efforts, but because things like this were happening with more frequency and it was becoming evident that I could hardly depend on him to "behave" so that we could have a social life.
It's funny, because he'll complain that we don't have friends over anymore, or that we don't go to friends' homes anymore. I've had too many "last minute" cancelations to want to even try anymore. It's embarrassing. Before our kids were grown, we had plans to meet another family for dinner at a fave restaurant. H picked a fight that day and refused to go unless I apologized. These events became opportunities for BLACK MAIL. Apologize for something I didn't do or didn't say or ELSE! I refused to apologize for something I didn't do/say. So, the kids and I ended up going without him....it was a bit awkward.....I felt bad for the other husband, but his wife and I included him in our conversation as much as we could. He's a nice guy so that wasn't hard.
We used to attend an annual Gala fundraiser. We both loved attending it. Tickets (expensive) would be bought months in advance, new dress, etc.....and during the weeks leading up to it, H would "use" that event to "force his way." Apologize for this or I'm not going.....that sort of thing. One time I was the chairmen for the event and he pulled this crap on me the day of the event. I was literally forced to apologize for something that I did NOT do just to avoid the total embarrassment of not having him attend with me.
That was when I realized that I could NO LONGER give him opportunities to black mail me. I only plan to attend things with friends without him. I travel mostly without him. I attended a family wedding across the country without him. I just told him that he couldn't go (when the invite came) and I told others that he had to stay home to take care of the pets.
I didn't even let him go to either of my parents' funerals because I couldn't risk these blackmail games. Both times, I flew across the country alone, tended to my dying parent, and then attended the funeral...without H. That may sound horrible, but I had already gone thru a nightmare of blackmails when we had both traveled a couple years earlier for my dad's very risky open heart surgery. H was incredibly difficult during that time, causing scenes, etc
It had progressed to the point that H was no longer "behaving badly" just behind closed doors. NO...now he was doing these things in public, in front of family and friends. He got into a huge screaming match with my sister (who was NOT wrong) and caused a mega scene. Sister wasn't screaming, I wasn't screaming, my mom wasn't screaming....but H was screaming at the top of his lungs, calling us all "liars". And, H was the one who was completely in the wrong.
As I've mentioned in other threads, I would LOVE to divorce him and have him out of my life. Our kids BEG me to divorce him (they're grown). Our kids say, "mom, you would have a much happier life without him". And this is THEIR dad! But they would have little to do with him if we were to divorce. Financially, I can't divorce him. For one thing, I have a business that would be destroyed if we divorced. it's not one that can be "split". I can't buy him out. we'd also share H's generous retirement...which includes a fab health plan....that I would completely lose if we divorced. We are "well off" but if we were to divorce, we'd be financially devastated.
I've already seen how H behaves in the divorce process (we've attempted the process twice). He's horribly evil and vindictive and dishonest during these times. destroys things, runs up bills, and gets completely crazy.
He told me last night (again) that if I try to divorce him he will immediately go to our 3 business locations and destroy the contents. Since I've seen him destroy stuff, I know he'd carry out those threats.
I'm like a prisoner. My only hope is that he's in rather poor health and likely will not live long. I know that sounds sad, and I would miss him if he died (we do have many good times), but if he were to die, this hell would be over. I know this sounds very "money crazy", but no way would I want to become financially devastated by divorce, only to have him die rather soon after....and then realize that I would have "gotten everything" if I had stayed married. That's what I tell our kids. I'm not going to destroy our finances with a divorce, only to have H die probably within 5 years. Plus, I don't want to become a financial burden to my kids.
I wrote a lot so that you can "see into your future" to see what you may be facing if you continue with a mentally unhealthy person.
thanks for everything.
Submitted by confused94 on
On your trip...
Submitted by AlmaVera on
...try to stay as detached as possible. Sometimes, being together for the first time in a while can be almost like a mini-hyperfocus and it's easy to get sucked in by the good feelings and think things really aren't as bad as you thought they were. Other times, it makes the problems you're having that much more obvious. Try to pretend you're watching what's happening from a distance, as if it's between two strangers. Helps to keep perspective.
I'm sorry -- I know this really sucks. ((hugs))