Submitted by Gavin21 on 12/11/2019.
It was only until a few days after we broke up where I realized ADHD is a lot more complex than I thought, and how it played out in my relationship. We had a really bad argument and it ended with me coming to the realization that I had blamed her for most of all our ADHD related arguments.
I have never been more devastated in my entire life. I do not know what to do and really would like to talk to somebody who can help.
A word of advice
Submitted by inSearchForHope on
Your post does not shed much light on what exactly happened except the fact that there was a history of ADHD related issues that convinced your woman to leave. From my own experience I can tell those can break a person over time. Often parter only leaves as a last resort to save herself. Could s that be the case with her?
also, you wrote Nothing about her and her feelings and much about you. Well, if you really love her, think what would be best for her. Sometimes, it is letting her go. Sometimes, it is fighting for her. Anyways, I'd shift my focus on her - her thoughts, her position, her feelings, her perspective. That would give you a chance to be together again. If that chance does not work out - learn from it. If that is you who have ADHD ( unclear from you post) , you do have much to learn in order to be best self and be able to build healthy happy relationship in future.
New reply
Submitted by Gavin21 on
I've sent a better response
Hello, Gavin21
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I agree with inSearchForHope. It is difficult to give advice when we don't have enough information.
Do you have ADHD? If your relationship with your girlfriend has been negatively affected by your ADHD, and it has been going on for a while, I can see how she made the decision to leave the relationship. When a person realizes that the only person they can control is themselves, and they cannot "make" their partner see how their actions are affecting the relationship, it is sometimes better to walk away.
Hey adele
Submitted by Gavin21 on
Yes I have ADHD. For a long time we both didn't know. We have had a lot of arguments that I now realize were because of it, I feel like this entire time we have both really misunderstood eachother when it came to arguments, and serious discussions about the relationship. I now realize that I blamed her for the fights that we've had when they were my fault.
When I came to this realization about the complexity of ADHD, I felt a sense of joy and relief that if I can explain to her what exactly has been going on, (like how ADHD affects my brain, why I have acted the way I have acted before, and what we can do better the both of ourselves in our relationship and make it 100x better).
I tried explaining it to her in the most sincere, and calm way possible about a week after we broke up through the phone. It didn't seem to change her view at all. I genuinely can't tell if I just did an awful job at trying to explain it, because it's so hard for me to explain myself and organize thoughts going on inside my head. Or if she truly does understand about my ADHD but still doesn't want to be with me? I feel so lost and clueless.
Hi Gavin
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I think it is pretty great that you are able to be so self aware and that you actually feel eager to take steps to treat the negative symptoms of ADHD and improve your relationship. Sometimes the most difficult times in our lives are those we learn from most (if that can be any kind of consolation or silver lining for you.)
I am wondering if your ex girlfriend is just overwhelmed by all you are telling her. If she and you didn't know about the "ADHD effect" until now, maybe it is just too much information or just sounds like excuses to her. Perhaps if she looked it up for herself, over a period of days/weeks, the light bulb might go on for her, too. And maybe as she saw you seeking treatment and succeeding, she'd be willing to try again. That could be a long shot now though. I don't know what transpired between you and she sounds like she may be done trying regardless of the reasons the relationship was difficult. But treatment would give you the best chance.
No matter what, I hope you keep exploring this because awareness and treatment can only improve any future romantic relationships you'll have... along with improvements to so many other aspects of your life.
Wishing you all the best, Gavin.
It's an easy fix Gavin......
Submitted by c ur self on
The effects of add/adhd can be difficult on the sufferer, especially if they don't discipline their life to account for their struggles...But's it's never to blame for arguments and discontent with in a relationship...That is always other things....And the reason those other things keep popping up, is because the people in the relationship refuse ownership of their words and actions....And once we refuse to take complete ownership of everything we say and do, healthy relationships aren't possible....Every human who lives without ownership only has a few other alternatives, and they are all bad....(Denial, Blame, Justification)....The only other option that don't negatively impact others is to live alone.....It's an easy fix, don't over think it.....Just start today never saying or doing anything with in the relationship that you don't immediately own....
It's OK to say "I'm messed up"....Because we are all human, and we are all messed up in some way....Add or not.....The real problem is when we lie to ourselves, because our desire to feel good about ourselves out weighs the truth...And as long as our desire to cover up and hide (we wear the mask) our shame, has a greater hold on our hearts and minds than truth and ownership does, then we can't grow....I know it's difficult to find ourselves giving heart felt apologies multiple times a day, but the alternative will always end up just like you've found yourself today...Hurting the people you care about the most...
Blessings Friend....
c
For Gavin21
Submitted by inSearchForHope on
That's great you now know the reason why things went wrong. That's also great you did your best to communicate it to her in calm and genuine manner. BUT now picture what she's feeling. Regardless of whether or not she loves you or not ( I do not know) SHE IS HURT ( or she would not leave you ) it will take lots more than words to win her back. Actions that show sustainable ( most important) change are essential. Right now you are exited you found reason of fail and see possible solutions. What will happen when your excitement passes ( and it will ) and you encounter difficulties ( like her still not coming back, add more coming) ? Will you stay with the change and own it? That's your best chance with her and in life in general. And that's the only thing that MIGHT convince her to come back. Good luck and stay strong