[Edited to remove reference to needing help being talked off the ledge]: I decided to do some inside work today and went into the basement, which I avoid because it's so dirty and cluttered. I found what might be new water damage. I'm so depressed and upset about the condition of the house, which ex took responsibility for but then neglected. Yesterday, I was cleaning out the gutters, which he said we shouldn't get replaced when we had the roof redone a few years ago. They were clogged and my hands smelled like sewage afterward. I'm worried and sad about the situation; the house is my biggest asset but if it's in as bad shape as I fear it is, I might be screwed financially. Thank you in advance for suggestions or support.
I originally asked for help talking myself off the ledge. I've done okay today, probably because I didn't go back into the basement and did other work inside and outside the house. But I will say that the combination of years of "I can do it myself!" (ex-H), my desire to avoid micromanaging and "parenting" my ex, and long-term unemployment (ex-H) leading to long-term financial problems (entire family) has had a very negative effect on the condition of my house.
poisonivy, the gutters and the ledge
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I know exactly where you are. I too am in a house where everywhere I look, something is broken and/or falling apart from neglect. I did the same with my husband, about not "parenting" him. Right from thebeginning of our marriage, (didnt know about adhd) he kept telling me, I had to remind him to do things, which was pretty much everything. I was already doing the lions share of everything, and he was only doing his "job". So, I told him I wasnt his parent and wasnt going to be. I dont know if I handled that right, but with two children in school, working, home, yard and also taking care of a sick mother, I had too much already.
Then, when we got a house, he helped fix up our first one, but after that, I did the next house on my own. He was completely absorbed in his computer,because the first PC came out, and he's been on the computer ever since. Our current house (3rd) is only 13 yrs old, but its a mess, and so much is broken down. He ( like your husband) absolutely would refuse to call in professional help, even when we could afford it. I dont know what makes them want to " do it myself". But, then it doesnt get done, or its made worse.
About the gutters, I JUST cleaned out OUR gutters Saturday morning. They were chock full of debris, and I had muck all over me. I was really nervous up onthe ladder, but the gutters were so bad,and had to be done. There was even a plant growing in one of the gutters. I didnt tell him I was doing this, until after I was finished, since he was in bed. But, then he got angry at me, and yelled at me for doing it. But, it hadnt been done in at least 3 to 4 years.
Later that day, he was giving me all kinds of attitude, and snapping at me. He went outside to do a little work, and was acting awful. So, I went out to help him, he kept acting mean, and I snapped and started yelling at him,and went jnside. Ive spent hours cleaning up thehouse since I got back, and he's spent most of his time in bed. Anyway, hecame in after me and started crying. He said he's afraid he's sick and is dying, and he wasnt mad at me, he was angry at himself.
Instead of telling me this in the first place, he gets angry and acts angry at me. This is not okay, but hes still doing it.Plus we run out of money at the end ofthe month, with no income for the rest of the summer. He knew this months ago, but didnt do anything about it, and now its here. We are going to have to declare bankruptcy again, but I dont know how we areeven going to afford groceries. Hes worried about this also, so I think this dying thing is depression that has gone to the extreme. He just had a bunch of blood work done and everything was okay, so Im thinking depression, which I need to talk to him AND a doctor about further.
Anyway, I have felt on the brink also, and had to seriously pray to God to help me not get too overwhelmed, because there's just SO much anyone person can handle at one time, and this has been years of non stop chaos.
You can make it through this, even though you're overwhlemed right now. I'm thinking and praying for both of us right now. I'm praying the Lord bring you a miracle and relief right now. I cant offer much more than that, but I'm sending hugs to you right now. Blessings and hugs.
Dede
Dede, thank you for the
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Dede, thank you for the response. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, too. I'm especially sorry to hear about your financial struggles. That is really scary.
I do feel better knowing that I wasn't the only partner or ex of a person with ADHD cleaning out gutters on the holiday weekend. I was also nervous on the ladder. I do have limits: I won't get on the roof!
C, an apology
Submitted by dedelight4 on
When I wrote some of the things here about Godly men, I failed to mention you C, as a good example of what a Godly man is. From the many posts you've written, it SHOWS that you are a good man, and your wife is a fortunate woman indeed. I would pray that she recognizes what a good man you are, and your patience with her is remarkable. I wrote that I didn't know any men personally in my daily life. Most of the guys I know have sort of handed over being the "spiritual head" of the house to their wives. I've heard guys say, (including my husband) "Well, she's just better at it", meaning she's better at praying, and being closer to God. When I was saying what I did in the earlier post, I only meant that in my daily life here in my surroundings, and family, that I didn't know any who stood as spiritual head, who openly showed love and affection to his wife, being the head of a family. I didn't mean to say ALL men were this way, and I apologize, for I know there ARE very Godly and good men in the world, otherwise, we'd all be in some sad shape. LOL. sorry, lousy attempt at humor. I know it IS truly harder today for life in general, than it used to be, and I know every generation says that, but these day really ARE a different time in life, than we've EVER known, and our obstacles are greater than ever. It takes some strong believing men and women, but especially men who can make the world a different place, when they stand righteously. ( no I"m not sexist) I just love and appreciate the qualities and "differences" that men and women have that can compliment each other in wonderful and even yes, frustrating ways. lol. Anyway;, I wanted to say that C, that I appreciate you, and everyone on this forum that add so much to people's lives. Thanks for being here, and for what you add to this forum. AND, for standing strong as a Godly man, being strong in your faith, and not hiding your light under a bushel. Our lives with ADHD persons are not the "usual" marriages, and yes, it can sometimes take us over the edge, and beyond, which doesn't make us ANY less a believer or person of faith.
No Apology necessary
Submitted by c ur self on
When they called Jesus Good Master, he said to them...Why callest me thou good?? There is only one good and that's the Father....C knows "good"only is produced where Jesus lives....It's not of myself...But what you said is kind and humbling...I've been blessed by the interactions and understanding of many of this forum...So that is why I attempt to love, encourage and pray for others here also...
There is so many things like you say about dealing with effects of add on a person, that is just not easy or normal...We just got back from the beach and much of the time it was just a mess...LOL...But I've come to expect it, so I am kind of ready for it, and am learning to not participate in the high drama:)....My wife struggles at times, plus she thinks she can just leave her adderall off when she's not going to work...And all that produces is agitation and quick outbursts at an even heightened level...
Blessings dede and Poison Ivy...
C