Hello everyone, this is my first post here. I am not a native english speaker so, I apologise for the possible mistakes in writing.
I come accross in this forum because I am wondering if my husband -we first met 18 years ago- could be ADHD. I know this is not the way to get a diagnosis, but I need some help in order to speak about this with my husband and understeand if I can convince him to contact a specialist.
The things are not going well between us at this moment, because of the “oddnesses” he always have had but know, after we move to another city and having a 3 year old child I can’t stand it anymore.
First of all, he is always late. We arrived late at every appointment we have: at the doctor, meeting friends and relatives etc (I have to lie about the appointment time with him). He lost so many flights and trains, making me mad (we had a long distance relationship for many years) and loosing a lot of money to buy other tickets. He didn’t have lost more of them just because some flights and trains were in late too.
He procrastinate: he wait the last second to start to do everything: going to the supermarket, going for a run, packing and so on. Even a family trip it’s becoming stressful and frustrating also because he took so many hours -sometimes a full day- to pack and organise his things and I have to wait for him everytime, taking care of our child in the meantime. Everytime we do not manage to leave at the scheduled time but hours and hours later, sometimes the day after.
He frequantly lose important things like wallets, money, documents, keys or forgett things I have said to him; often he doesn’t find his things at home and blame me for that.
He had a lot of small car incidents and collect a lot of fines. He also had a serious car incident once, because of the lack of sleep: infact, he have sleepiness when he drives becouse he also sleeps very few.
He doesn’t seems to have the sense of time: he managed to stay obsessively focused on one thing for hours and hours and think that it passed just 5 minutes, instead of 4/5 hours without care about other people needs. This means that he often forget to give me a call or check the phone.
And so on…. I am very worried because for the first time I am thinking that my marriage is in danger. I am so exhousted, it is like to have 2 children instead of one and I don’t know what to do.
My husband is such a good man, optimistic, with sense of humor and, usually, tender… I feel he doesn’t act like that on purpose, our child loves him and so do I, although I am so angry with him now.
Surprisingly to me, he does’t seems to have issues at work, he has a high profile career in the military, he is excellent at his job, he always have had very high grades at school and at the University, although I know he always been considered “hyperactive” by teachers and parents.
Thank you for any suggestion you’ll make
Your husband sounds much like my ex
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hi Mockingjay. Your English is great!
My ex husband had ADHD and you could have been writing this post about him. I think you are wise to suspect ADHD.
I too grew exhausted soon after the birth of our child. When we were just a couple, the amount of slack I was picking up wasn't as noticeable and he was also functioning better because he had fewer responsibilities. Once we had a child, he could not handle that 24/7 stress and pressure and the ADHD really revealed itself in all areas of our lives.
As a side note, I always thought my husband was flourishing at work but later found out that actually wasn't the case. ADHD was impacting him there too.
If you can talk to him about this, I recommend getting a diagnosis and treatment ASAP. Nothing will change for you unless he manages these symptoms. If he refuses to get treatment or see the issue, it will be up to you whether to remain in this dynamic or leave. I have been where you are and I am so sorry. I know how tired you must be.
Thank you for your support
Submitted by Mockingjay on
Hi 1Melody1,
thank you for your answer and support! I feel the same as you about the difference between being just a couple and having a child...this is not a parental burnout!! There is something more...I feel it. I'll do it, I'll try to have a diagnosis, I have just to find the right way to talk with him about this. Today I sent an e-mail to a specialist, I hope he'll accept to speak with me about my husband first. We live in Italy and unfortunately, there is a very little awareness about ADHD in adults. Now my husband is leaving for a long time because of his job...I am so sad because we struggle so much the last month. At the same time, this is a relief because I feel so exhausted...