There is a TV show called "Princess" on the Lifetime channel. It is SO interesting for me to see these "usually young" women who have been living carefree off the generosity and love of family and friends. They ALWAYS have an impish grin and seem to believe they are particularly cute and smart. I see my old husband in them and want to kick myself for letting him drift along while I strived and worked so hard. With him believing that he is smart to not have had to work too hard for his own home and family. He likes to say he does the work but doesn't actually do it. If he does do some small task, he talks it up for a long time to "get credit" even though he does not take the real responsibility of a husband and father. So here is a TV show showing it up in my face what it looks like from the outside.
Watching the show is a great reality tool. I suggest you hunt it out. Sometimes we can't see ourselves as others see us. Why didn't I fight? Why did I give too much? That is what I am looking at these days and learning that I wasn't so much the long suffering spouse, strong and sturdy, but I was the person who did not believe in myself enough to stand strong and find happiness and pride.
Hard to keep a happy face on that reality.
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
All of us look back at the many prior years wherein we now recognize the 'obvious' ADHD symptoms that 'should have' shown us it was time to 'draw the line'. The signs were there... but I think our denial kept telling us that 'soon, we'll see some improvements' and 'they are trying' and 'it does seem a little better' rather than face the flip side, 'they continue to treat me like shit and they lie when they say the really want to improve.' Hard to keep a happy face on that reality. One really starts to sound like Charles Manson's 'understanding' grandmother.
He had become the alpha dog, snarling at me
Submitted by jennalemone on
I believed many of his manipulative put downs and I would get introspective. I would think, ("Am I that way?", "Did I do that?", "Am I to blame?") rather than getting strong and verbal. Here are some of the things that he said to me over and over that kept me in chaos followed by responses that I SHOULD have had at my ready when he would pull out his conversation stoppers. It is confusing and saddening when you are debated dirty with while you are trying to have a conversation with a partner.
OK, even now, after the facts, I still don't have comebacks to these things. This is part of my problem. I get silent and hurt. I need to get verbal and find the fortitude to stand firm for myself. I have not been able to, even now, come up with responses to some of his barbs and negativity at me....Just #10 which was the best thing I have done in our relationship for a long time and #11. He actually got a part time job to pay up some bills and pay the electric bill.
War of words.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Hi Jenna....(IMO) What happened before his comments (1-7), is the problem, not that you had no response....For you to get those insults, you had to be trying to have a conversation about real life....Or you was pointing out his irresponsibility and neglect.....Sadly I had the come backs for years....All it would have gotten you was more anger, more fights, more dysfunction....If we aren't going to have the quiet nerve (made up mind) to just do something!, (life actions) then nothing we could ever verbally say, would ever matter....(denial, and a closed mind)....
He loves his life, why not? wonderful wife and family....ONLY actions bring light....When you didn't enable him, and he got cold...He got busy LOL....The reason you were like you were in the marriage, is because you married him to be that loving wife. Who, was responsible, and desired your role....Never feel bad about that!....How many of us men do you think long for a women (wife) w/ that kind of character (willing to give herself, w/ that kind of energy) by our sides through out life??
We have no responsibility for our spouses failings!....Just our own....
c
I get this too
Submitted by adhd32 on
C is right about what lead up to the belittling statements. I think my H uses them when he forgets, yet again, or is reminded of his failing to do whatever he was supposed to do even if the reminder didn't come from me. He just directs his self loathing on me by saying something mean while he is simmering over his own failings. Your H uses the statements to cut you down and make you feel bad because he feels bad about himself. My H will try and pick a fight just to get over himself. But now that I am hip to his tricks, I don't respond. Even with the best comeback he will deflect and twist things so he triumphs in his own eyes.
I'm sure this won't help, but....
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Near the end of my 17 year marriage after I filed for divorce, and had to live with my abusive husband until things were final..(long story)...
My response was to either walk away, very calmly, with no facial expression when faced with verbal assaults....or one of these two responses, when I was at the end of my rope:
Shut the F**K up. or F**K you.
Neither had the intended impact. I was living with a master manipulator, who could twist even the most positive comment like: " What a beautiful day" into something negative, or into something I didn't say at all....
What he has put you through is what I call a total mind F**K. My ex did the same thing to me. Gaslighting at its worst. I'm 8 years post divorce, and the abuse still affects me.
Its sad that the person who is supposed to love us more than anyone lashes out because of their own failings and shortcomings.
I bet it won’t help at all, but...
Submitted by Brindle on
You could try calling it what it is: “That was a manipulative insult so you can avoid responsibility.” And then walk away.
How would that go over? Would it be any worse than what he already does? Would he follow you and aim more ugliness at you?