Hello im new on here, i happen to stumble on this site, ive been stressed about my relationship with my husband, and after reading some posts on here, it does seem like his ADHD is what makes him the way he is. Ive known he has it, he had issues in school because of it, but i never realized how it affects him as an adult until now. He has the obssesive tendencies and anxieties.
But my main search for advice is for the fact that he seems to think that he doesnt need a drivers lisence. He has a permit, and when he does drive I am in the car. He is 29 years old (im 23) i got mine when i was 21 due to circumstance, his was for the same reason (i thought) for a long time, but now its to the point where i even ask him to drive and he gets angry amd irritable amd turns into a piss pot, he is easily irritable in general, which i think his anxiety surfaces as anger, which he admits he has but absolutely refuses to go to counsling or get any help. Its becoming a very large stresser for me, i have social anxiety as well, and panic anxiety and seasonal depression, ive been on and off pills and go to therapy bi weekly. But anyway i really dont know what to do, i feel like we cant even think to start a family or be able to move out of the crappy small rural town we live in till he gets it amd is comfortable driving himself, we work at the same place across the street so it works for now but i cant stand to live here the rest of my life and he has stated he wants to move to this better town about 40 minutes away and i love going there but its like he doesnt grasp if we do that he has to be able to drive. I feel like i cant rely on him... any thoughts?
I'm not sure that I understand your story....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Is he refusing to get his license because he doesn't want to have to pay for car insurance?
Or is it because he prefers to have you drive?
Does he ever drive with his permit w/o a licensed driver in the car?
Since he wants to move....put a positive spin on it....say to him, "I would like to move, too. After you get your DL, then we can look into moving."
Sorry
Submitted by Bre.bre on
No he has a permit, and I'm with him in the car when he does drive, but he doesn't seem to think he needs to actually go get a license.
Co-dependancy
Submitted by c ur self on
Nothing is normal about him living they way you state....Step back and read your post...What would you tell a women who said that to you about her husband?....Your describing a man who wants to use you to be responsible so he doesn't have to be!....Read more of these posts:)...Do not give him a choice about counseling...The life you are describing is very unhealthy, so please do not let it progress...It will only get worse...Your husband needs someone to speak wise counsel into his life...He needs to know what his responsibilities are as a husband and bread winner....ADHD is no excuse for not manning up to your life commitments....
As long as you allow him to intimidate you with anger he has you right where he wants you....You do not have to be emotionally distraught yourself to step back and see what is happening...There is no more miserable life than dreading your marriage relationship and feeling used because your spouse seeks co-dependency and lives in denial...
C
You Can't Make Someone Change...
Submitted by kellyj on
but you can give them a reason or motivation to do it for themselves. If it's only to avoid the consequences or something else....it will feel like it is going against their will or what they don't want to do. That isn't a good way to motivate someone. I agree with what C said however....you should not allow his anger to rule you or govern what you do. Having said that.....I have ADHD and anger is related to it in a couple ways. The first part is more biological and tied to emotional liability. Choosing my words carefully here....it is not something that he can help in the sense that you have less control over it than other people until you learn and understand exactly why that is and how to manage it better which is not only possible but there are many ways to do this successfully up to the point that it will diminish it significantly where you can gain control of it. The fact that he admits it tells you he is aware of this which I can validate for myself....it is hard not to. It just takes more than just deciding one day not to do it....this will not work and whether he says this or not....he probably already knows this to a certain point but has yet to find an answer for it.
The second part is what you have already very intuitively observed when you said it surfaces with anxiety and stress. Since you have panic anxiety and issues that are similar.....you can understand it from that perspective in that there is little that you can do when you get a panic attack in the moment to simply make it stop or prevent it from happening. I'm sure you would if you could since it's probably is not a pleasant experience? The emotional lability in combination with becoming overwhelmed with anxiety in the moment has a similar flavor to it if you can relate yourself to him in the same way. If both of you are having a similar issue simultaneously with each other...it can get very easy to lose sight of the fact that it is your sensitivities together that are competing and exacerbating the moment without intention.....not each other. If you can look past this and see this for what it is.....it might help you see that there is a component to his ADHD and anger that has little to do with you personally and more to do with his issues and the challenges that confront him ie: learning how to control his anger and emotions in the moment which is not so much a moral or ethical dilemma but more of a biological phenomenon without any intention behind it. He may not say this or think it's true but there is plenty of information out there that will support what I just said. I think both of you need to educate yourself and find out this information together in order for this to work.
Which is all the more reason that he needs to go get help from a professional in order for him to do this. This is more than he can do by himself and it won't go away on it's own otherwise. Also....you are not to blame for this or have any responsibility what so ever for his anger. What you can do is to work on getting him to see what I just said and motivate him to go seek help by letting him know how much this affects you especially since you have your own anxiety issues to deal with. If you can relate what I said to him based on what he knows and how he feels and connect the two like this....he might be a lot more motivated to go seek help if he realizes how he feels under the same circumstance when his anger erupts since he knows what that is like and wouldn't want to cause the same kind of episode with you.
As far as the driving thing goes....I suspect that this is mostly related to his anxiety again. He may be highly fearful of the consequences if he makes a mistake and he is likely not going to admit this to you even if he is aware of it himself. He also may not even realize exactly what is causing this fear and anxiety in the first place to be able to tell you that as well as feeling pressured or a little embarrassed to have to admit that to you or anyone else. For a guy....this is a tough thing to do. Getting overwhelmed easily with stress and anxiety is also part of ADHD so it would be good to be able to see this too and leave him a lot of room to spare his dignity and self worth if that is all possible?
Having said that.....you shouldn't move or put yourself into a situation where you run into these issues the hard way and have to rely on him to drive until he deals with these things first. It's not hard to figure out what will happen and who will end up doing the extra errands and driving even if he isn't thinking this far ahead for himself or thinks it will all just work out once you get there. This is unfortunately....a tendency for those who of us who have ADHD to think you can do something and then come to find out later....that you really can't. You can over come the challenges that ADHD puts on you very successfully but you need to actually DO something about and take action or else nothing will ever change from where he is now. Getting help should be the top priority on his list in order to do this.
Learn to do it first...then say you can do it, not the other way around. That includes having kids!!!!!!!!!! Things will only get worse not better after that ( more stress, more anxiety... 2 + 2 = you're heading for trouble! lol)
I think you need to keep leading the horse to the trough repeatedly until he finally drinks but don't try and force or pressure him into to doing it which will only make him resist you more. The only way this will work is if he wants to and is willing to do it on his own.
J