My husband (ADHD) and I separated today. We've been having severe marital problems for over a year. I had found out yesterday that he was looking for rooms to rent and calling family court so I asked him about it, he blew up (as he's been doing about anything I try to talk about in the last two years) left and didn't return until this morning. He packed his things and said it is over. He does not believe our marriage can work because we have different personalities (who doesn't?). I had already decided if he didn't agree to individual counseling for him (I'm already going) and marriage counseling for us, that I would ask him to leave. Our marriage has become too volatile, too angry, too uncomfortable and I can't do it anymore. If he is willing to get counseling I would reconsider, but I think that will take God to convince him of that and God to heal my issues of self esteem and lack of self worth. I have a small business that I run from home which is not enough income to maintain the household but I have a college degree and teaching credential so I will be looking for a job. I have been out of the job market 5 years and I'm scared to death. Scared to death of it all. But, I am a person of faith and believe that God will see us through it. We have a 15 year old son who I am trying to comfort and make life as normal as possible for him. It has been a terrible year. My mom died in February, I had to be nurse to my husband when he had unexpected surgery and now this. I am so worn down and worn out. But, I can do this.
My husband left today.
Submitted by WornOutMB on 07/16/2014.
I'm very sorry that you are
Submitted by Standing on
WornOutMB, I understand totally...
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
My husband left yesterday - sooner than planned. I started the process to file for divorce on Monday. I never wanted everything to come to this - but he didn't do what it took to stop me from starting that process. Its been brutally hard. I cannot stand the quiet around the house. I was luckier than most in that he was helpful around the house, kind - even though he did sometimes have temper issues. My problem was that I always felt like he was someone who really didnt want to be here with ME. So since he walked out, I have been repeating that mantra to myself that this is HIS choice. He could have chosen differently - but in his eyes the only option was one that was already not acceptable. Dealing with that kind of rejection for one LAST time.... it makes me feel very small. I am lucky in that I was the primary bread winner so I dont have the worries you have about being out in the job market. But I do have the fear of being alone. Starting over at 40... after giving my all to my husband. Who i still desperately love. All of it is terrible. You and I have similar histories of tragedy in the very recent past which adds to the fire.
I wish that I could say something to help you. But all I can offer is that you are not alone. I dont know you, but you and I are both in the same painful situation tonight. I hope that tomorrow for both of us the world is brighter and we have started that first move to heal from all of this.
I am exhausted from being mentally pushed every day to wonder and hope that "this" is the day things change, for me - I am hoping the pain of the past few months of anticipation of this will be worse than what it actually is. I do know there were so many times where I longed for the day this would happened. How I played it out in my head was always different than what this reality is. The reality is very painful.
Hang in there. Feel it all, and allow yourself to mourn. Stay hydrated, eat - all the same stuff everyone is telling me. I will be thinking of you tonight and I will hope that your tomorrow is better.
The club I do not want to join
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
WornOutMB,
I am so sorry for the way this had to come about. I cannot fathom the harsh reality. I was confused enough when my spouse started to sleep in our RV several months ago.
The pain does seem familiar, and maybe there is some tad of comforting balm for you in knowing you are not alone, and it is not just you. . . . .and you will survive.
Rest up, and take gentle care of yourself.
Thank you all for your kind
Submitted by WornOutMB on
Thank you all for your kind words. I don't understand how a man would rather leave his family than get help. I just don't get it. He knows he needs it. He's been to one counseling session but never went back. They gave him some meds but he took them a couple of times and stopped. There's help out there and he just won't do it. I am so very stressed. I have been dealing with health issues of my own and go in for testing next week. I am scared.
He is coming today to do laundry and figure out finances. He told me yesterday that I need to get a full time job. I'm not getting a full time job so he can leave his family. I run my small business and that is what I intend to continue to do. He is expecting me to help him figure out how he can find the finances so he can rent a room. That's not happening. I am not helping him figure out how to leave his family. I will help him with one thing and one thing only, getting into counseling. Beyond that he is on his own. He has relied on me waaaayyy too much in this marriage. I'm not doing this work for him.
Good for you!!
Submitted by lauren07 on
Good for you!!
I wish you the best transitioning through this. I'm sorry to hear it came to this, but I do understand how it did:/
My husband has been gone
Submitted by WornOutMB on
My husband has been gone since Tuesday. Well, not spending the night at home since then. He told me he is staying with his brother. I checked our credit card online today (which I do regularly) and he has been staying in a motel. This is something we cannot afford. He has already ran the credit card to 80 % of its limit. We cannot afford to add to it. I'm so frustrated. He lies and lies and thinks I can't figure out the truth and when I do and confront him he says I have no business getting into his business. It frustrates me to no end.
He came last night to do his laundry and talk finances. He wants to rent a room somewhere. There is no money for that right now. He told me to get a full time job. I told him if he wants to rent a room he's going to have to get another job to pay for it. If I get a job it won't be to pay for his room. I simply told him what I thought of what is going on (not being confrontational at all or being angry) and what I thought our options were to help save our marriage. I was called controlling. I can't give my opinion without being called controlling. You know, I'm getting to the point where I don't care if this marriage works anymore. If I can swing the finances he can stay gone.
WornOutMB,
Submitted by NLKohlenberger on
WornOutMB,
I can really appreciate how difficult this is for you right now. It sounds like it's been very stressful for awhile. I agree that if you are going to get yourself more work, you should do it to support yourself and not to support him. He needs to take care of himself. He clearly should be staying with his brother if the two of you cannot afford for him to stay in a motel. I don't know how invested you are in keeping the marriage together, but it sounds like it would be difficult to do so without the benefit of some counseling. I hope you are getting the professional help you need right now.
The most important thing is for you to take good care of yourself during a time like this. I hope you have some kind of support system of friends or family members you can confide in that will be there for you as you go through these challenges. And be sure that you are eating and sleeping well to sustain your energy. I also recommend you try to read good things that will encourage you to keep a positive state of mind. You say you are spiritually oriented. Maybe there are some spiritual materials you can read every day that will help you stay uplifted.
I wish you the best.
Thank you Nancie, It has been
Submitted by WornOutMB on
Thank you Nancie, It has been a long, difficult struggle. It's exhausting both physically and emotionally. I question at this stage if there is some other medical issue with my husband that is not diagnosed. He returned home yesterday. I have a feeling that his brother did not allow him to stay at his house and my husband realizes he cannot stay at a motel indefinitely. He was calm, somewhat kind and not at all confrontational yesterday. We got along fine. But I know if at any time I say anything contrary to what he believes, if I voice my opinion about anything, if I question anything that he says or does it more than likely will cause him to explode. He really needs medical help and counseling. He went to counseling once, got some medication which he said made him too sleepy and refuses to try any further. I have been in counseling for the last year. Apart from our marital issues I have made great progress. I've learned to deal with anxiety much better than I previously did and let go of old hurts that had been haunting me for most of my life. It is just this marital strife that is hanging over my head like a dark cloud. It is discouraging. I read my Bible daily, pray constantly and have my family who is very supportive. I really don't know where things are headed right now, but I am preparing myself in many different ways in case my life changes.
Time away from the Chaos may be just the medicine!
Submitted by c ur self on
Some times (as in my wife and I's case 11 months apart and 10 months of counseling) time apart allows for self reflection, facing our giants, and time to repent for the things we may have put our faith and confidence in (usually our thinking) instead of Jesus...Hopefully this time will bring clarity and peace to you and your husband. Blessings Sister...I will pray for your family!
Thank you c ur self. It is
Submitted by WornOutMB on
Thank you c ur self. It is my faith in our Lord Jesus Christ that keeps me going. I have spent a good amount of time reflecting on my need to solve my own problems completely by myself instead of waiting on and asking God and He is doing a work in me. It is a slow work but I'm headed in the right direction. I very much appreciate your prayers for my family.
It is my faith in our Lord Jesus Christ that keeps me going
Submitted by Lbj on
I am praying for you.
Amen to that.
Submitted by Standing on
I am joining in prayer for you and your family, too. I am grateful that Jesus sees the end from the beginning, so that we don't need to worry about having to.
Thank you Standing, for your
Submitted by WornOutMB on
Thank you Standing, for your prayers. Realizing that Jesus knows where He is taking me/us and that I don't need to know all right now is what comforts me so much. Worry sneaks in too much and i have to refocus to the truth.
I just found out that while
Submitted by WornOutMB on
I just found out that while he was gone for the four days my husband took $300 out of our savings account, spent $180 on our credit card at WalMart and other places plus another $180 for motel rooms. We really cannot do this. I have got to protect my family's finances but if I try to take control of things my husband blows up at me. I'm so upset and overwhelmed.
Are you in physical danger?
Submitted by Standing on
If he blows up, do you feel physically threatened?
If not, then maybe it is time to do what's needed and pull out the funds you'll need for bills?
I did that recently, paying bills out of business account here as a "draw" to my husband. Yes, he blew up. I am still standing. Sort of.
I know how unpleasant it is, but if you are safe to do so, I hope that you will limit his access to that money.
Still praying !!
I don't usually feel
Submitted by WornOutMB on
I don't usually feel threatened, although I'm sometimes concerned for his well being because he gets so angry. I went to the bank and withdrew the majority of our savings and put it elsewhere. I told him via phone before I did so and he ranted and raved, said he was leaving, he's done, etc. I told him do what he has to do because that's what I did. He then went and withdrew money from our son's college fund in retaliation (it was in a savings acct). I called and explained why I did what I did (so our savings would stop being spent). He said he will put our son's money back and when I return from a short trip I am taking with my sisters we will talk about things. I also opened a checking and savings account in my name only for the first time in my life. I will no longer be putting all of my money in our joint account.
I'm getting so tired of trying to save my family and getting nothing but anger, ridicule and hostility for my efforts.
Thank you for your prayers!
That's a start!
Submitted by Standing on
It's so difficult, but please be aware of those times when you feel reluctant to take a stand because you worry about the health consequences to him from his own anger. That's a consequence he will need to deal with for himself, for sure. I know that I used to think that conflict needed to be avoided at all costs, but this sort of stuff simply demands confrontation.
Sounds to me like now he wants to hold your son's money over your head to get you to return his access to the other funds. I hope that during your trip you will be able to formulate a plan with your own minimum requirements to manage your household, so that it's not all left wide open to add-style negotiation (which generally goes round and round). I am fresh off that same merry-go-round today re: business/personal funds (what's his is his and what's mine is his), so please forgive my pointedness. No matter what, I absolutely love that you told him, "do what you have to do". I don't remember whether I ever posted about the time recently when my spouse informed me that if I didn't do things his way, he would have to "find someone else". Umm... I was not on the payroll at that time, so I asked... you mean a new wife? Do what you've gotta do, buddy.
Lately it seems like it is
Submitted by WornOutMB on
Lately it seems like it is nothing but conflict. No matter how I live my life, whatever I do or say, he looks at it in opposition. I am at the point where he can do what ever he thinks he needs to do for himself as long as it does not harm our son or me. I'm glad to hear that you gave a similar response to your husband that I did mine. It seems like they think we cannot do without them. Or perhaps it comes from their own lack of self esteem. I don't know but it seems to be a comeback for some ADHD spouses. I don't have a full time income as of yet. I will start substitute teaching in the fall and hope that leads to a full time job in the school district. I have family and friends who are willing to help in that regard. I'm formulating a plan for my future. I just want peace and joy in my life. I pray for it daily. Sometimes I don't think that will ever happen while my husband and I are married.
Peace and joy
Submitted by Standing on
Yes, lately I have also been very doubtful - whether it's possible to be married to my husband and still have peace and joy. I'd stopped going to church, even, allowing myself to grow even more hopeless in my attitude toward this marriage. But yesterday, I went.. to a new/old church. I'd never been to this particular one, but it's the group (denomination) I grew up in. Funny thing, it was like going home (in a good way!) and reminded me of who I was. It's like it was about God and me, and didn't have anything to do with my marriage. I want more of that!
Now I believe that this experience was to get me fully armored for the conflict my husband initiated today about finances. I didn't flinch or wilt or any of my usual responses to his irrational bullying. Then he called in reinforcements (his office manager) and - guess what - the man listened to him for quite awhile and then finally suggested that husband and I might try praying together. He agreed to this.
I realize that it will likely be up to me to make this happen on a daily basis, but I think I can follow through without resentment... not for the sake of my marriage, but for God. Must be what my counselor has been getting at, when he reminds me that my hope is in HIM, not in him.
I feel that my husband has a keen sensitivity to the vibe surrounding him and he can sense when I am growing stronger... and it terrifies him. That's when I get what you described here: " No matter how I live my life, whatever I do or say, he looks at it in opposition. " I also feel that he's the one who does not think he can do without me, and he resents that. Doesn't matter whether it's true, if it is what he believes, and I can't change it. I'm not going to be weak so that he can feel stronger, and that's not pride... it's just not who God designed me (or you!) to be.
Need to remember that when I take his hand tonight and pray for understanding, and peace, and joy, for all of us!
I think your own the right track standing :)
Submitted by c ur self on
Peace and Joy are two of the fruits of the Spirit, they don't come from a good or bad marriage, and a good or bad marriage can't take them away:) It took me a long time to realize it...We are complete in him!...When I quit blaming my add wife for everything that I couldn't understand about the way she lives...and starting looking at the mess of insecurities in the mirror, then God was able to heal me and teach me how to love her...God is awesome!
"Peace and Joy are two of the
Submitted by WornOutMB on
"Peace and Joy are two of the fruits of the Spirit, they don't come from a good or bad marriage, and a good or bad marriage can't take them away:) It took me a long time to realize it...We are complete in him!"
Amen c ur self! That is so true.
How are you, WornOutMB? Just
Submitted by Standing on
Hi Standing, Thank you for
Submitted by WornOutMB on
Hi Standing, Thank you for your concern. I have been spending a couple of days with my sisters up at one sister's cabin. My husband stayed here with our son while I was gone. When I came home all of his things were gone again. I called and asked him what was going on. He said he is leaving since I took the money out of our savings. I told him where it is. I've never hidden any of it from him. Several months ago he took our savings out and hid it in his own personal account for three weeks before he would put it back. I guess that was okay to him. So, he says he is staying at his brothers. He still has not put our son's college money back in the bank. I told him the only way I would even consider having him back in the household is if we immediately got Christian counseling and he ADHD help. He said he is not interested and that we'll discuss finances this weekend.
I'm so tired from the constant conflict for the last several months. I'm so tired of the back and forth. He's staying, he's leaving, he's staying, he's leaving... It is so hard on my son and me. It is actually peaceful without him here. I'm working my small business as hard as I can and waiting for the school year to start so I can start substitute teaching. I'm scared but feel relieved at the same time. It will work out the way it should. I have God, my family and my friends. Things will be okay.
"Fresh" air is great!
Submitted by Standing on
I think it's so good that you got away from the routine for a couple days, WornOutMB. Having a support system is so important, too. I have a couple friends who know most of the story now, and it's been a great relief to me to not feel alone on this earth with it all. And, of course, this forum! I think that because I've had to turn down my emotions and detach so much in real life, I'm really identifying even more with some of the posters here. I just want us all to stop feeling like we're victims who are barely surviving.
There's a book called How We Love, by Milan and Kay Yerkovitch, which describes the basic attachment styles we each have in relationships. It's a very good book. Your husband sounds like a vacillator. (I have been, also.) It's like: I'm in, I'm out, I'm in, I'm out. Difference is, he seems to act out his feelings, whereas I stuffed them all inside and being "out" simply meant detaching and avoiding. I'm still not sure how to be "in" with ADD, but our counselor has told us to begin with a week of basic, human, kindness. My husband said that's basically what we've been doing. :) Guess he's not counting all of the times he's been insulting, mean, condescending, and snarky to me because I don't snap-to quickly enough to suit him at work, or because I ask a question that he deems to be stupid, or whatever might rub his royal highness the wrong way at any given moment. He's tamed that down since our meeting with counselor, but now I feel the tension building toward him wanting physical intimacy. Counselor said, work on this kindness, which has nothing to do with romantic love. Thank you, Mr. Counselor, I say inside my head! Husband, I know, is thinking - Grrr, now you've given her permission to frustrate me! :) poor baby. So - one day at a time we go. He at least is not hurting my heart a zillion times a day now, Like you, I am scared but feeling relieved at the same time. I have a hunch that as you hold the line there and continue moving forward with your business and teaching, your husband will sense your new level of strength and commitment to truth and stability and possibly agree to the Christian counseling. It's far from a quick fix, but the added accountability could be just what he needs to stabilize some of that vacillating. That's my prayer for you!
Never be forced or intimidated into not making wise descisions..
Submitted by c ur self on
It's nothing wrong with having separate accounts, and getting your name off of any credit cards with him. If you feel he is making unwise choices you can't support you need separate accounts...Do you know who writes some of the most heart breaking posts on this site? Women who have let men drag them down irresponsible paths...My wife and I do not share accounts or credit cards...it wouldn't work...I pay the bills and buy the groceries...she spends her check on a house payment that is setting empty full of junk she can't get rid of...and she has a storage bill of stuff I would burn. She does send a little money to our son in college which is good...But if she is willing to work her job and do this with her money, hey it's hers. By God's grace I'm past the stress of concerning myself with it. Just because we are one flesh and should be faithful and loving does not mean you have to accept unwise living...Any women or man who looks at their mate and see's an unstable person who lives irresponsibly and then doesn't do what they have to make their own life as stable as they can I don't understand that thinking? Those people or either scared, intimidated or was looking for someone to carry them in life...I love my wife, but, if i decide to jump off a bridge I hope she is wise enough to find a better way down.
Thanks, c ur self :)
Submitted by Standing on
I admire your maturity, c ur self, and I hope to be a grown up one day soon :)
Don't have it all figured out....
Submitted by c ur self on
Sorry standing if I seem to express an attitude of I have arrived-Not So!...Just love to share and encourage others with what Jesus has broken through in my life...I blamed and pointed fingers at add behaviors for years, (never looking at myself of course) still do from time to time...But, When I prayed and asked the Heavenly Father: How do I possibly live with this women in an understanding manner? The answer came back you can't, but I can...Not the answer I was looking for...So his gracious love is daily teaching me...So as hard headed as I am, I am finally starting to understand that the abundant life I so desperately pursued in my marriage; will never be found in my marriage...(That's an illusion of the mind of man, or it was in my life) But!, it can be experienced in the living Jesus...which is bringing peace into my life; regardless of the circumstances' in this life!...And the beauty of this truth is worth sharing :):)
Not at all!
Submitted by Standing on
I don't get any sort of holier-than-thou vibe from you, brother, truly. I was not bein a smart-aleck in my comment At All ! Reading your posts has sometimes been difficult for me, which shows me that those are the areas in which i need to grow. For real. I absolutely agree with you. Life in Jesus is the one, true life for me and I want to remain willing to reach for that, daily! I am also a hard-head, and a case of - Lord, I believe... help my unbelief! Thank you :)
Just checking
Submitted by c ur self on
This forum has been very enlightening, educational and even painful at times...So many of us deal with the same life issues...It's a great outlet, and great place to share hurts, and find comfort...
"Any women or man who looks
Submitted by WornOutMB on
"Any women or man who looks at their mate and see's an unstable person who lives irresponsibly and then doesn't do what they have to make their own life as stable as they can I don't understand that thinking? Those people or either scared, intimidated or was looking for someone to carry them in life..."
Scared in my case. I married my husband when I was 19. I went from my parents home to ours. I have never been on my own. I have a college degree but have never held a full time job. We chose to have me stay home with our son instead (we were told we couldn't have children and then he miraculously came). I've adjusted, compromised, catered to, etc because it's all I know. He avoids, refuses to work on anything etc. Our lives are miserable because of it. Starting over at almost 50 seems overwhelming. So, yeah, I'm scared.
Scared here also. Not of
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Scared here also. Not of living on my own, but the HOW can I do it in the physical condition that I'm in currently. After so many injuries and subsequent surgeries that have left me disabled and in chronic pain. My disability is so low it wouldn't even cover a single month's rent. Disability is determined by your salary from the job you had. I was working in a family business (parents) and they paid me very little. The business was supposed to "pass on" to myself and my siblings, but our step-father ran the business into the ground and it went bankrupt. So, my disability got determined from that. Anyway, I naively thought that "our lives" (my husband and me) were in this life together, but I turned out to be wrong. (before ADHD diagnosis) But, when finding out, I had already used much of my life on helping develop "his" life, because he was the major earner between the two of us.
I wish I could separate our accounts and lives into each our own things. It is in part, but not enough. I"m still learning my part in this whole thing, and at times it seems like I've made every wrong decision there is to make. I want that to change. now.
Be Strong!
Submitted by c ur self on
I understand, but just remember being a loving wife and a stay at home Mom does not make you less important to God or anyone else...As a matter of fact I admire a women who will put her family first. I think it's biblical...But, you did not turn into a door mat when you walked away from the alter. So, take his comment for the reality it is in his heart and mind at this time. In your post above...He's not interested in counseling and working on your marriage in positive way. I just want to encourage you to give your fear to Jesus, he's the one caring for you, just glorify him with your life. He will take care of you and your child...And it will be the best thing to open your husbands eye's...So many of us just need a heart change, then the head will follow...Blessings.
You come off as pretty darn
Submitted by lauren07 on
You come off as pretty darn strong;)
My husband has been gone
Submitted by WornOutMB on
My husband has been gone (again) since Tuesday. This is the third time in three weeks he has left. He said he is not coming back (which he says every time). He is pressuring me to figure out finances so he can find a place to live. He is also pressuring me to hurry and find a job. I have been working my small business as much as I can and will be applying to substitute teach next week. I'm doing this for myself and for our son. I am not going to do this so my husband can leave his family. This is so hard. I have physical limitations (I had a stroke as an infant) and I am so scared I won't be able to do what I need to do to make it on my own. My husband desperately needs help for his ADHD along with other mental health issues but he just won't do it. He keeps blaming me. I am his scapegoat. I continue to work on myself through counseling, medical intervention and my faith.
I hope you will let that pressure bounce right off of you!
Submitted by Standing on
It is good to hear from you, Worn. Hopefully, he will get the help he needs when it becomes clear that you cannot fix this for him. Hopefully. But that's his choice. You seem to be making very good choices for yourself and your son. God continue to bless and keep you!!
My husband is still staying
Submitted by WornOutMB on
My husband is still staying with his mother 70 miles away. He is commuting into work daily. He has been taking our son to lunch a couple of times a week. He told him today that he is thinking of coming back into town and get a place with his sister. This sister has had (and I believe still has) major substance abuse problems and has been to rehab at least twice. I don't think this will be a good match. He has told me I need to hurry up and find a job so he can get a place to live. We live in a city with 18 % unemployment. I don't think I'll find a job next week. I have applied to work as a substitute teacher this next school year and am working hard on my small business. That's all I can do right now. I keep praying that he will listen to God. My whole family is praying. He seems so far from God. It makes me so sad. I know things don't always happen in our time but it is hard to wait.
WornOutMB...me too
Submitted by dedelight4 on
WornOutMB....your said something I've been praying about as well. " I keep praying that he will listen to God. My whole family is praying. He seems so far from God. It makes me so sad. I know things don't always happen in our time but it is hard to wait."
Same thing here. I pray every day that my husband will come back to God. He too, seems so far away from God, and has told me "Well, that's your department". I don't think it's MY department, but I DO pray that he will find peace with God.
For me that is the saddest
Submitted by WornOutMB on
For me that is the saddest part. My husband used to be what I would call a man of God. He would attend church, read his Bible. I remember hearing him pray in the living room in the evening when we were in our 20s. I miss that. I believe part of his distance from God is that he knows he is doing wrong and doesn't want to feel conviction. He knows that he shouldn't be flying into rages, calling his wife horrible names and leaving his family. He knows it's wrong but at this point doesn't want to change himself so he has left and will surround himself with his family who will soothe him and tell him how wronged he has been.
It IS hard to wait. It has
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
It IS hard to wait. It has been almost three years since my husband took a job that was intended to be temporary while he allegedly would be looking for a good-paying, permanent job. The temporary job has become permanent, 24/7, and continues to not pay well.
But I've progressed. I have gotten more hours at work, now receive benefits, and have added freelance clients. You can do it, too! The progress might be slow, but I know you can survive.
I know in the end it will be
Submitted by WornOutMB on
I know in the end it will be alright. I've been through so much in my life and have come out the other end at least intact if not in a better position. But, darn it, I want my husband to wake up and realize what he is doing! It may never happen and that scares me and depresses me. He is a good man at heart. He just REALLY needs help.
Stay strong! It's like you
Submitted by lauren07 on
Stay strong! It's like you said, HE needs to hurry up and find a SECOND job if he wants to leave his family like this.
Thank you Lauren! That's the
Submitted by WornOutMB on
Thank you Lauren! That's the way I feel, he needs to find a second job if he wants to leave his family. I have to talk with him about finances on Friday and my stomach is in knots just thinking about it. There is no extra money for him to live elsewhere but somehow he'll expect me to work financial miracles.
I learned today that our son
Submitted by WornOutMB on
I learned today that our son's college money which my husband took out of the bank so I wouldn't take it (so he claims, I've never even thought to) is now in a private account accessible only by my husband and he has spent $600 of it already (in a week). I am sick. He so badly needs help for his impulse control. When the time comes for our son to go to college there will be nothing there for him.
Thinking of you
Submitted by Standing on
Was looking to see whether you had posted recently and found this one which I missed earlier.
I am sorry to hear that he was so calculating and blatant in his disregard!
How are you doing now?
It has been a month that my
Submitted by WornOutMB on
It has been a month that my husband has been gone. He started out staying with relatives and now he has rented a room about 25 minutes from where I and our son live.He has continued to pay the bills here. It has been a living nightmare for me. One time I speak to him he is kind and like his old self. The next time he is mean and accusatory. I hurt my back while he has been gone and he called me a liar. He has made me out to be a monster. I'm not a liar, not a manipulator, not lazy, not hateful, none of those things but I have been labeled as such. I believe he is doing this so he can justify leaving. I think most spouses of ADHD folks understand that many of them do not see reality but make up their own. That is what he is doing. I learned just a couple of days ago that he has started drinking. When I hurt my back I needed him to pick up our son from church. I tried to call and text him several times because it was getting dark and I didn't want our son to have to come home the few blocks in the dark. He never answered. After our son got home (I kept him on the phone his whole way home) he called his dad and his dad answered. He tried to tell him what was going on and my husband could not understand. So my son handed me the phone and I started to tell my husband I had hurt my back and that I had needed him to pick up our son but before I could tell him the second part he started a rant about me hurting my back and if I was that bad why am I not calling 911 or get my dad to take me to the ER, etc. He said he thought I was lying. I told him I had hurt it before and I knew what to do, and if I need help he needed to come help me. He told me he is no longer my husband and is not obligated to help. I knew something was up so I kept him on the phone a little longer and he finally told me he had gone out for a "couple of beers" and could not drive. He was drunk. I asked him who he went with, he said none of my business. I asked why he was drinking, he said because he has to deal with me. I finally got tired of his ranting and hung up on him. This is a man who I haven't seen drink in 28 years. He didn't drink before we married and he only drank a couple of times after we were married. We've always talked about how we didn't feel drinking was right for us. I don't know what to think. This is a man I don't know. It appears he is having a mid life crisis and feels the need to act young, irresponsible and party. I realize it really has nothing to do with me. He wants a different lifestyle right now and to make himself feel less guilty he has convince himself that I am the problem. I am still going to counseling, I have signed up to substitute teach this school year and am looking for a job in the school system. I pray a lot and go to church every week. It has been my saving grace. Thank God for God.
Reading this really reminds
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Reading this really reminds me of the separation my husband and I went through in 2009. He had always been an occasional drinker, but he got completely out of control while we were separated. My daddy had an ATV accident, took a turn for the worst late one night and I could not get him to answer his phone to come watch the kids so I could be with him because he was passed out drunk. He, too, was sad and kind and nice one conversation and being a monster the next. He called me so many ugly names and really worked hard to tearing me to shreds. You're right...it is 100% his own guilt that is driving his outbursts and ugliness. Don't rescue him, don't engage with him and let him set his own course. It is the only way you'll ever know for sure if he'll step up and straighten up and do it for the right reasons.
I'm sorry you're going through a separation. It can be pure hell, but you have to find the positives in it and focus on yourself and your son. ((HUGS))
I hope that your back is feeling better!
Submitted by Standing on
That is one of the first places the stress gets me, low back and neck.
I know that you will continue to put one foot in front of the other and do what is right.
You know the Truth.
I am praying for miracles all around. I'm glad you "checked in" here. I have often thought about that verse promising God's tender care for the widow and fatherless.