I've been struggling in my marriage for years. It's been very confusing because none of the problems in our relationship were there before we got married, which wad immediately followed by my husband's big promotion. More than anything, I was struggling to understand why "stress" causes my husband to become so distant and distracted that he doesn't even notice me touching him: it's like being affectionate with a statue!!! I never get that way no matter how stressed I am!
Our niece (his sister's daughter) was recently diagnosed with ADHD and then I had a revelation: "She's so much like my MIL, who confuses me to no end! Could my MIL have ADHD, too?" A bit of research into that topic lead me to the book "Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD?" and my mind has been completely blown! ALL the problems in our relationship are in this book! I didn't realize they could ALL have a central cause!
I'm excited to have an explanation for my husband's behavior (other than he's fallen out of love with me, which is a theory he ardently disagrees with). I'm feeling very encouraged that there's an explanation for his behavior other than "he doesn't care"! I'm still a little reserved about it because I'm scared that maybe this isn't it and things won't get easier. But he's agreed to talk to a physician and try medication so I'm hopeful for the first time in half a decade!
I'm looking forward to learning from this forumand those of you who have more experience and understanding about this!!!
Your husband needs to consult with a ADHD qualified psychiatrist
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
ZenWife, your husband needs to consult with a ADHD qualified psychiatrist who can do a complete ADHD evaluation. Getting 'on the right track' is crucial because there is no way of knowing if your family will ever get another 'agreement' to have a ADHD consultation.
Limited Resources
Submitted by ZenWife73 on
This will definitely be the hardest part. I'm having great difficulty finding any adult ADHD specialists in our state (New Mexico) and since we've already had a bad experience with a mental health professional I want to make sure we go to a good one!
Stress....
Submitted by c ur self on
Stress effects different people in different ways...It's not uncommon for some people to seemingly lose a level of desire (inability to relax and focus) for intimacy....My advice is to recognize what is going on with yourself (your emotions, words, stress levels) as you attempt to engage him in his current state of mind....You can be understanding and calm and make it better for both of you...Or you can anxiously press him about his state, and make both of your lives quiet miserable....He is much more likely to want to work on himself (be aware of his behaviors and the effects it is having on your relationship) if he isn't feeling pressured by you....
Our responsibilities is to manage our lives well....And, we can do something about our selves! We can't do anything about our spouses, and to force it, will always make the relationship suffer....
Just thought I would share with you, what it has taken me several years and a lot of pain to learn....Learning, it's a continual process of discipline...
c
Persuer/Distancer
Submitted by ZenWife73 on
Thanks for the advice, C!
It reminds me of all the things I read about the pursuers/distance dynamic, which I found very helpful when my husband's stress was at its worst. ☺
I'm a pursuer....Most of us here are, by reading......
Submitted by c ur self on
Most people who have the ability to handle all area's (big picture) of life and relationship...Who have normal desires for marital fellowship and intimacy, can easily become the pursuer....It's so easy and natural for that to happen, because we expect this (this, meaning availability and commitment) of ourselves....
It usually takes time (and sadly pain) for us to realize we can't place the same expectations on some people, that we place on our selves... To be open, approachable and receptive isn't possible for some people much of the time....
If a spouse is distancing themselves from normal marital responsibilities, (and it's not because their cheating or some other intentional reason) then I've found out the best way to shock them into awareness, is by acceptance....If I stop seeking intimacy from my wife....It's not long until she wants to know what's wrong....If I continue to pursue and show frustration w/ her thoughtlessness...Then she is comfortable with that...It's what she expects...
c