Hi all,
I am wondering if any of the people have the same experience as I do. Namely, my adhd partner can get extremely angry if I ask him to cheer me up. He tells me tht my moods are my responsibility and that comforting me when I am sad is not something he signed up for. Furthermore, he compares my sadness (not related to his behavior) with the situation where he gets angry, telling me that I am not comforting him when he is angry either. I am a little bit confused, since I think him being angry and telling that everybody around him is an asshole, is slightly different thing. However, it could be just a different reaction to the emotionally loaded situations- he gets angry and blames everyone else and I get sad and think that me and my life is so bad.
My real problem is that whenever I ask for his support, often times instead he gives me more criticism as to how I have put myself to the situations which consequences I am no suffering from. I can understand this, I sometimes do the same when he is angry. However, he goes on, by telling me how angry it makes him, that I am now trying to make him become responsible for something I have obviously created myself. Even when he actually does comfort me, I often times have to pay the price later, when he announces how he is so supportive and I am not (do nto comfort him when he is angry either to me or someone else). Furthermore, he goes on, saying that I never take responsibility for my feelings, I do not even leave him alone when he has a stressful period (I asked for 15 minutes of communication) and overall, I am constantly being critical of him (mostly pointing out when he is critical of me).
Something in this situation feels wrong. I am now scared to ask for his advice or emotional support. I feel that I have to handle everything on my own and in addition deal with his regular criticism. It does not really feel good.
Thank you for your responses!
M.S.
Hi M.S.,
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Hi M.S.,
My husbands responses change with his mood - but generally (probably 99% of the time), when I ask for any type of emotional support the response is laced with eye rolls, annoyance and half hearted "only in the motions" support. Its like he is almost offended that I am reaching out to him, bothering him with my problems. When my mother was very sick and in the last week of her life, my husband and his mother and daughter came out to the state where I was acting as my mother's caretaker. I was in the guest room at my mother's friends house and I started crying because of how sad I was. H's mom came and hugged me - but my H just stood there. I could see in the mirror that my mother in law mouthed to him to come over and hug me... he had to be TOLD to show me comfort.
He makes a big show about telling me he wants to be there for me, and works hard to get me to put my trust and faith in him to actually be there when things get bad - but then he gets annoyed when I look to him for that promised support. I think he confuses existing in the same space with being emotionally supportive or "present" with an opinion etc. That being said - he did give me a hug one time when I was crying about my mom after her death and when we had come home, and he gave me a hug one time when I was crying about my dog. Recently, he has hugged my neck from behind while I was sitting on the couch about 3-4 times when I was having a hard time with some stuff, so that is solid improvement on his part- but those little hugs are unsollicited on my part, so I dont get the same annoyed reaction.
I too feel like I am on my own when it comes to any crisis of significance. My husband shuts down and I believe has a severe case of Alexithymia (emotional blindness) so he doesnt "get it" when I am emotionally affected. And you are right - it feels terrible. We marry or are with our SOs because we choose them to be that partner in life to be that emotional support, that loving gentleness to get us through the hard times. I know I am very empathetic with his issues, but empathy seems to be a VERY difficult thing for ADHD folks. Its been my personal experience that those who are wired for ADHD are very self centered and cannot see outside their own bubble unless they actively work on being a participant in a relationship versus a hanger on. Because of that, asking for emotional support or advice pops that bubble and forces them to move that self focus to someone else, and that can anger, annoy, irritate someone who is more concerned with their own needs.
It sucks for sure. :-(