Hi,
Non-ADHD spouse dumping a wall of text here, but I really need to vent.
I've been together with my wife for 5 years now, we had a very passionate and short courting, we quickly moved in together and we were inseparable. Within about a year she became pregnant. It was unplanned but we were happy about it.
I had noticed some things about her, she wasn't very good with money. She made a lot of impulse purchases, she couldn't plan meals or cook. But I chalked that up to her having a kind of crappy upbringing and something we could work on.
Once she was pregnant I found out that she had brought a lot of debt into the relationship, me being blinded by the fact that we were going to start a family just paid it all off for her in one go, effectively almost eradicating my savings completely. I wanted us to start fresh, a blank slate.
While she was pregnant she quickly became very depressed and it turned out she spent most of those 9 months pregnant racking up more debt by buying a lot of stuff for the baby on credit. When I found out I was of course angry and felt betrayed, but I paid it off again. This time actually eradicating my savings.
So fast forward to about the time of the birth of our child, I found out that she again had racked up a bunch of debt behind my back. Mind you, not spending the money on anything you could sell back or return, basically just makeup and stuff she could hide around the house and pretend she had gotten as presents from her (I would later learn) estranged family. This time, I told her, was the last time I would bail her out. I took a decently sized loan to cover all of the small, high interest loans she had accrued over time.
That's when she started buying things on credit, in my name. I found out by accident by spotting my name on some luxury brand packaging in one of the recycling bins in the apartment building.
Still I didn't leave and I asked her to go see a therapist about this, otherwise I would have to leave her to basically save myself.
The money turned out to be the smallest problem. She eventually went to therapy and stopped ruining my credit. But at this point, paying off the loans was really dragging us down, and she still wasn't working.
After the pregnancy she became very depressed and I tried to help her best I could, I worked from home a lot so I could take care of both her and the baby, I didn't have the opportunity to take any parental leave and with our savings completely gone and debt skyrocketing, I had to work as much as I humanly could. She went on anti-depressants and not soon after, I too became depressed. I used to love life, I worked out all the time, I took pride in my appearance and I loved any and all social interactions, I lost all that during the first year. I couldn't go to work out even for half an hour without her sending pictures of our crying baby to me saying how the sound was killing her. Wherever I went, to work or grocery shopping, I would always get streams of panicked text messages, "Please call me as soon as you see this!" "Please hurry home!". I had to do all the cooking, I paid all the bills, I took most of the nights with the baby and I worked more than 40 hours a week. I just resigned from all recreation, resigned from me being me.
Her take on it was that I wasn't doing enough. I didn't want it enough. Why was I so angry with her all the time? If only I weren't so angry we wouldn't have any problems.
Once our child was old enough to start day care, I took out my last couple of vacation days to ease her into day care, even though my wife still wasn't working or studying. I was becoming resentful and angry. Disappointed in what had become of my life. I felt that all my control had been stripped from my hands and I was now just tumbling, spiraling into darkness. I hated her for it. The first year and a half I was optimistic and kept thinking that "Oh, once X happens Y will turn around, I'll just stick it out until then", but the goal posts just kept swooping farther away every time.
This was basically the status quo for three years. She started her studies again, but couldn't finish. There was always something distracting her, it was our child being to loud, or me not having done the dishes, or she just had to finish this very important discussion on Facebook. I was livid most of the time, but kept it bottled up. It took her almost 1,5 years to finish her last three or four very short courses for school, she wouldn't go to class and she'd get some written assignment which of course, just sat there, with me prodding and trying to get her to do her school work, desperate that she could start working and help me pay off all the debt she had brought on.
Fast-forward to her getting a temp job where she got in contact with some people with confirmed ADHD diagnosis. She immediately recognized a lot of the traits they described in herself and we started to try to get her diagnosed as well. She almost immediately, after a few sessions, got diagnosed with severe ADD and they started her on all the meds, she got their full attention and was offered therapy sessions for basically nothing. I was elated, now I was sure it would turn around. I made the mistake of thinking the ADD meds would be a silver bullet for all our problems. At this point I was driving her to work 3-4 times a week, a 24 mile detour on my already 35 mile long commute. After about a month after she had started her meds I decided to leave her, I couldn't do this anymore, I had to sever and try to regroup and recover away from her. She didn't understand why I was leaving her, I had come to terms with leaving this relationship and being the bad guy, it didn't matter, I wouldn't survive if I stayed.
I was couch surfing for about a month and we took turns living in our apartment while the other spouse stayed somewhere else so our child would still have some sense of a status quo. A few weeks passed and she called me and said she wanted to talk. I eventually said that I'd hear her out. She basically apologized for everything, that she could see what she had done in our relationship. She had never ever before expressed that she might have any part in the anger and resentment I felt. So I came back. I thought we could work it out from here.
Now some more months have passed and I'm still driving her to work, maybe just 3-4 times a month, and maybe she cooks a meal once every two weeks. Of course these are all improvements but I feel like I am fed up. I just want to take control over my life, set a budget, set goals, achieve goals, put my kid to bed at a decent hour and feed her a decent meal. Another aspect is that she is a "neat freak", our home has to be 100% organized at all times, and 100% spotless, or she'll get stuck in her ADD just moving things around, making it messier. It is a complete no-go to leave the dishes for tomorrow and just relax and have a glass of wine on a Friday night. The kitchen needs to be absolutely spotless. And then she'll notice a speck of something on a cupboard and she'll start on that and then she'll notice that there's some dust on the bathroom floor and so on and so forth and I'll be sitting there just trying to relax but completely unable to and you can basically forget about the movie we were supposed to watch at 9 pm. She'll remember that around midnight and be mad that I went to bed when we were supposed to hang out.
I think I am about to leave again, and I think I am leaving for good. The anger and resentment just won't leave me. I have been reading "The ADHD Effect On Marriage" and it's been a very hard read for me. I recognize all of the stories and reading about the work I am supposed to put into this marriage to get a life that I - in the end - am not sure I would be satisfied with, is making me very depressed. At this point I think I am too damaged and too resentful to be able to be in any kind of relationship. I just want to become myself again, my own person, the disciplined guy who works hard and gets stuff done.
The last time I felt that I was even close to the person I once was, was during that month and a half of separation. And I can't stop dreaming about it. When I talk to her about it, she thinks I want an affair or that I want to start dating someone. But that's not even on the map. I just want my life to be mine again, so I can be a happy and caring father for my child and give him/her the best possible life that I can.
I just don't know what to do at this point. We're going to couples therapy but, reading the book and from the progress we're not making, I think we need a therapist with experience in dealing with ADHD but I'm not sure I have the energy to deal with all of this stuff. I just need to live MY life. I still love her though, she's the smartest and funniest person I have ever met, and when things are good she is my very best friend and on the other hand I resent her so that I sometimes can't stand the sight of her. I wish I had found this book 3 years ago.
Hello ableist....
Submitted by c ur self on
Trying to be one w/ someone w/ such baggage and that you are so different from, takes many boundaries and much respect....You two need to set down and say; this what is acceptable to me, and this is what is not...And it can't be about you wanting something from her, or her wanting something from you....
Just from reading your post...I can see why you are so miserable, you have no life, (been there recently!, got personal councelling for it...) you have been used (allowed yourself) as her pawn....She sounds like she has OCD...My Wife is ADD and a Hoarder...Do you want to swap??..LOL....
There must be boundaries....If you, are her, are not willing to respect those, I suggest you count your loses and go your own way....You both deserve a life, and to be respected....
Counseling isn't effective for a person who refuses to confront themselves (ownership) about their true behaviors, and and be willing and have a desire to make changes in their thinking and living....If you are spending money just to use the counsellor as a glorified referee...Forget it....In my experience most married people aren't ready for couples counseling....Most of us need personal counseling first....Once we confront ourselves and deal with our selves, then we find out there isn't a lot of need for couples counseling (amazing how that works)....But if we follow up the Individual counseling w/ couples, we find it can be very successfully....Because the blame and defensiveness isn't there....
You must communicate....boundaries are a must...She has lied and violated your trust....So boundaries #1 might be no sharing of finances....She should never have access to your accounts or credit....You must not fall to manipulation attempts or allow her to use you just for laziness or selfish purposes....If you can't say NO, it will not get any better....No matter how much you want to say yes....You are in a very precarious situation....Husbands or wives who can't walk away from victim minded spouses, do get depressed, and end up mothering and enabling...(For lack of knowing what else to do under pressure) It destroy's any semblance of a healthy relationship....
It takes work by both parties!....One! can never have a healthy relationship...No matter who much you want it.....
I wish you great peace and wisdom in dealing with this....And remember your precious child didn't ask to be brought into this world....Make sure no arguments and negative emotions are displayed in the child's presents....If you want something to be thankful for you've got it.....
C
ableist, C is correct about this
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Glad to have you here, but sorry you're also one of us who have a severe ADHD spouse who doesn't work on their condition. My husband is the same, and so is C's wife, and there are others here as well. I can say from experience that in trying to make something "work" with someone who has this and can't see it in its entirety, can be devastating to the "non" spouse. I was one of the ones who lost myself entirely. I couldn't make sense of anything,and we lived in constant chaos. My self-esteem took a huge hit, and I couldn't tell who I was any longer.
I left for over a year, and I began to see things much differently. My husband DOES see some of the stuff but doesn't get counseling, so things can only go so far in his own treatment. Most of the folks in denial seem to have their "secret lives", where they don't want anyone to see what they are doing. My husband poured his life into computers and " his work", but nothing ever made him happy. Distraction was and still is his main focus. And, his work suffered also, but because he would have so MANY things going at once. (Along with the dozens of un finished projects in the house) Your wife is OCD clean obsessed, and my SO is terribly, terribly messy. (Extremes)
I know how this can alter your life, and it does. You are trying to protect your child, good for you, because unchecked, this will seriously affect a little one. You really need some outside help with this. I pray there's someone in your area that can do just that. Best of everything to you.
Ableist - You sound pretty
Submitted by SweetandSour on
Ableist - You sound pretty clear about how you feel and what you want. I don't think you should stay in the marriage based on how you verbalized your thoughts and feelings here. A lot of us have been in similar situations for quite a bit longer than you have and we experience the same issues over and over again. I'm not saying there isn't any hope or any possibility, but from what I've seen here and my own experience, many of us get stuck in a limbo life - if you can see your way clear of that, do it. I don't think your wife meant to hurt you and I don't think she consciously used you - she was just wrapped up in her own anxiety, distractibility, self-focus, but it sounds like you aren't necessarily ready or prepared to deal with that for the rest of your life. You might both be better off if you forgave her, but moved on. You will still have to have a relationship as parents of your child, but it sounds like you would be able to cope much better if you lived apart from her.
loving a difficult person with ADHD...me too
Submitted by MrsADD on
I feel your pain. I have a 3 & 5 year old and one on the way. This last one was a complete surprise and actually was conceived during yet another attempt to reconcile our marriage and try to make our marriage work. Unfortuantly this ended yet again in dismay due to stubbornness, inability to be a team player and work together for the greater good and angry outbursts. I am now seperated but due to kids and pregnancy and current housing market where I live we are still in same house. My H has decided just recently he wishes to try to change his behaviors. I believe he has a good heart and intends to be a good person. However I have crossed the bridge and am having a hard time even thinking about going back to "crazy." I have worked hard over the last 7 months to set boundaries against his crazy world and financially separate. I have not filed legal separation yet because yes I am scared, but am also scared to go back to a "relationship" with him. He currently is intent on winning me over and it is really hard to be around. I don't want it. I don't want someone else either I just don't want to be in his "crazy" world anymore.
My ambivalance in staying married to someone with all his issues only stems around finance and kids. How is that a marraige? I know for functional purposes I am supposed to consider that but how do you get up each morning and try and be happy. Plus I never know what his financial state will be? My kids love their dad and they should he is an extrememly affectionate person and he can play like a kid with them. I lack these gifts that he has. I am nurturing and caring but not as affectionate and struggle to play barbies.
Right now I am in counceling. Ambivalant of which direction I want to go and trying to be ok with this. How do you love difficult. And this issue does not even bring up any of the other ADD stuff I deal with. non communication, no schedule, extremely messy and bad hygeine, impulsivly rude with no filter, interruptive the list goes on. I think my H has a good heart but I am having a hard time focusing on that when all these other things are always thrown at me. How do we explain this to our kids the want to leave and be free of the "crazymaking." It seems so selfish when I try to think of a way to explain why I want out. But then a fault of mine is feeling unecessary guilt. Sorry I needed to vent too and saw your post which seemed similar to my ambivalence I have in my life right now.
MrsADD...,..me too.
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Yes, loving someone who stays in ADHD denial is very difficult. Even if they know they have ADHD, sadly many don't do much about it, and don't think it matters all that much. I often wonder why they choose to marry at all, when they know they have difficulty with people and relationships. I used to think most of them were ignorant of their actions...I don't believe that as much anymore. I've read SO many things where the folks KNOW that their lives are creating chaos, but they choose not to deal with it. We all do that occasionally, but to continue that behavior when you know its causing hurt and pain to all involved is not sensible and stunts emotional growth. I know its the "follow through" that they have trouble with, but then, why do SOME take a different path and choose better for themselves? I guess it has to do with each individual. I just wish more of them would take their diagnosis more seriously.
Having the "non" ADHD persons then take more responsibility on, still keeps the balance of the relationship "off balance". It still doesn't CHANGE the relationship. It helps US a lot, and helps us take tensions OFF of the ADHD person, but it still won't necessarily make the ADHD spouse WANT to do change their OWN behavior. That......is the hardest part I think.
I do believe there could be a bigger push to have persons with ADHD take more responsibility in this, instead of " backing off" of them. Melissa wrote that she knew some ADHD people who told her they wished someone would have "hit them upside the head". Because it was only after tons of destructive things that went wrong in their lives, failed marriages, etc. would they begin to LOOK at what was going on inside them. So, the denial to LOOK at themselves is very powerful.
I am struggling also with a husband who now says he " wants our marriage to be better". But, I still can't trust this person, partly because I've seen all sides of him. I've seen the impulsiveness, the same behaviors over and over. Good intentions?......yes.....but we all know where that goes. And I feel bad at this point, because I don't WANT to mistrust him, and have this unsure feeling of "what if?". It really creates a conundrum of what do you believe, when your spouse has shown you they can't BE believed? Their impulsiveness and still uncontrolled ADHD is going to overpower the best of their intentions. So, again, the spouse with ADHD MUST get outside help to really have change in their lives.
trust
Submitted by MrsADD on
I think trust is the biggest thing for me right now b/c as you said "I have seen all sides" I have seen him try I have seen him stop trying I have seen him intensely focus on me then drop me. It is like a roller coaster. My therapist whom I have seen over a year now monthly has me focusing on myself , creating boundaries and co parenting. Saying thank you for what is deserved, saying no for things he can do himself including fixing the caos his impulsive and ill thought out actions create, and trying to find a friendship and connection on a level other than romantic. And not feeling guilty for not knowing if I want to be married or not. I suffer from co-dependency as I had a mom who seemed to think she could make me her confidant with all her crazy stuff and make me feel responsible for her happiness. She was a child herself and still is in a lot of ways at 60+. My connection with her is good now but still takes a lot of work to maintain a relationship that does not trigger me into trying to care for her in some way. I think I brought this to my marriage and when the adhd weird stuff started I just started trying to control and make him happy so everything would be great. But that is not how relationships should work. They are a partnership. He has noticed the boundary setting for sure. He has responded angrily at first but is now starting to "grow up" in a sense and take care of things. But again I have heard so many empty promises that I am not sure if he is really taking care of them or not? He is parenting better. And instead of asking I tell him " I am signing up for a yoga class on Fridays I need you to plan to watch kids" I used to ask meekly as if I did not deserve this time for myself. While he randomly plans his adventures with no regard to my schedule. I think the adhd characteristics are not going to go away. It does take self awareness on both peoples end. The non adhd has to recognize this is an adhd moment and react accordingly and respectively. The adhd person has to realize "ok I just adhd'd her and that is why she is telling me this." Kind of like a dance of acceptance. I actually explained this to my H last night after a discussion on his adhd which his therapist said he believes he does have. Although the conversation ended at this point with him. When he is done discussing he just zones out. So I let it go and recognized he had had enough. Conversations are short lived with him. I find this hard as I prefer to talk. His preference for discussion is with email. But again it is usually only a paragraph I get if anything.
I feel like nothing flows easily with him. And I wonder how much he is actually working on himself or is he just telling me he is working on himself? To always have that wonder in the back of your mind with someone who vowed to take care of you in sickness and in health is hard. I worry all the time if he would take care of me if something happened. He has failed me so many times in that area. So yes the trust for me is what I am trying to bridge the gap on in my marriage.