After fight number... humm let's see, no I can't tell you because I have lost count it has been so frequent, my husband's final words to me were, "all I want you to do is read the book". So a trip to the book store and several online hours later here I am at Dr. Hallowell and Ms. Orlov's door, hoping and praying there is a light in this tunnel and that something is going to help me find the patience to deal and accept that my husband has this diagnosis.
Everyone on this site has already said what I feel; it is infuriating to be forgotton or overlooked by your spouse, it is exhausting to have to do everything by yourself to make-up for your partner's disease, and it is hurful to know that a person you love and care for feels negatively about themselves. I have nothing new to add to the complaint department. But I am wondering what resources are there for me. I am incredibly loving and tolerant and understanding (at least that is what I tell myself) but what I am not, at least yet, is patient. I am critical, I am judgemental, I am aggresive and I am demanding.
From what I have read it seems natural that my husband chose me to continue to fullfill the role of oppressor to his ADHD life that he has been playing everyday since he was born. In one of Dr. Hallowell's books he said something about the ADHD person will seek out a spouse similar to that of a bad fifth grade teacher. I can tell you that professionally I am a teacher, and I am a great one, but I know that many times, I will not extend to my husband the same respect and courtesy that I give to my students. Somehow I have in my head that because he is an adult and older that he should know better and do better. I know that if he could choose he would not choose to have ADHD, and to his credit, he was only diagnosed this year, he is 42 and he very willingly agreed to take meds for ADHD and depression. I give him a lot of credit for that, becasue I know it was a hard decision, but I still want more.
I want him to be more attentive to me, I want to feel cherished by him, I want to feel like he is my equal at home and willing to step up and do things to help run the house. And I want to not feel bitterly angry when he doesn't do the things I ask or need him to do. I want to be more patient with him, I want to know that things will get better as long as we are still comitted to making this work, but I want to know that he is going to do some of that work and it won't fall all to me. I need to knwo how to back off and trust him a little and allow him the opportunity to step it up.
So yes, I appreciate that there are books and manuals and magazines and talkshows devoted to ADHD, but what I really want is to find the manual about me.
Hi ControlFreak, You are
Submitted by EinsteinHadItToo on
Hi ControlFreak,
You are awesome! I'm new to all this too. I'm the one with *The Problem* trying to understand my spouse who apparently doesn't have *The Problem*, or at least that his problem is a cluster of other behaviours that are damaging, and something different from mine. We bring it all together and it makes for one boiling over stew pot of craziness and hurt.
What is excellent about your insight is that in looking more objectively at yourself and how you might be part of the recipe for causing the heat in the stew pot, your marriage *can* become everything you wish it could be.
"... I am wondering what resources are there for me. I am incredibly loving and tolerant and understanding (at least that is what I tell myself) but what I am not, at least yet, is patient. I am critical, I am judgemental, I am aggresive and I am demanding. "
Good for you for seeing your behaviour weaknesses (your user ID says a lot :)! In my mind that is where the real work of re-building a relationship can begin. When both spouses are aware of their areas of weakness, you should have every hope that you will find the help you need as a couple to sort it out and do the hard work together. Our therapist has said that conflict is an opportunity for growth.
As far as resourses, books are great, but talk to someone you trust to really find breakthroughs and solutions -- a no-nonsense therapist perhaps who is familiar with ADD life challenges. The therapist can help you to understand your issues--could the impatient/critical/judgemental/aggressive/demanding patterns be part of an underlying condition for you, like depression or something else for example? I'm an advocate of group therapy or support groups too, places where you can go just for you and find validation from others who are in the same boat, not from whining together, but offering practical life strategies for growth.
"...the ADHD person will seek out a spouse similar to that of a bad fifth grade teacher."
That's a scary thought! Though I had a great 5th grade teacher! She was loving, kind, non-judgemental, loved by all, and worked to bring out the best in her students. Hmmm, now that I think of it, I should have looked for someone more like her, lol.
I do feel strongly that if a marriage has settled into an unbalanced power structure in roles, ie, parent-child, boss-employee etc. you might as well kiss the romance goodbye. After being regarded as the "inferior" in the relationship and treated like a child since the beginning of my own marriage, the last thing I want to do is be intimate with my partner. In fact I want him out of my life. Balance needs to be restored if a marriage is to meet the needs of both people in my opinion. What about taking a marriage retreat with the agenda of rebuilding trust and initmacy? It's too late for my marriage, but if it came along at the right time, it may have done wonders.
Anyway, don't know if it helps. But it sounds like you both have great potential for a great marriage because of your willingness and ability to look honestly at your relationship and desire to change things for the better.
The best of luck to you.
balance of power
Submitted by controlfreak on
You have hit the nail on the head when you talk about the balance of power. We have lost that in our relationship, and with it, many more wonderful things have fell by the wayside. But I do believe in my heart that we are not headed for divorce court or a separation as we are both committed to making it work and evaluating each of our roles in this. (Go new age us!)
Thank you for replying. And of course for saying I am awesome, I would be lying if I didn't point out that those are my favorite words. I know misery loves company, but so does the overlooked, underappreciated wife. I am so happy to have found this resource to start us on the journey of healing. So thank you again, and you are awesome too!
Balance of power continued
Submitted by jules on
Even if the balance of power is not equal in your relationship at present, I do believe you will still be able to regain it provided you both are prepared to work at it, which it sounds like you do. My husband and I are battling to come to grips with his newly diagnosed ADD, but we are making small baby steps of progress (we are at a different place now to where we were six months ago when I actually just wanted out of the relationship).
You don't say when your husband was diagnosed, but it sounds recent. If so, I can totally identify with the frustration, anger and pain you are feeling. I went through quite a hectic anger phase post-diagnosis, but I can tell you it does get better - with work from both of you.
Hang in there.