Anyone else following the work and outputs of Dr. Ramini? Specifically, the few podcasts she's put out with Mel Robbins? I know there's a blog post on how to not confuse narcissism with ADHD behaviour/symptoms, but man, when she speaks, I feel like most of what she says can be applied to our situations but really, the only option is to leave. And that makes me so sad.
I'm really struggling right now with the sadness of what is in my heart. It's like my brain and body know what to do, are screaming at me to do it, but my heart just doesn't want to listen or understand. It keeps saying 'it's fine, it's going to be ok, it's going to sort itself out, don't worry about it today, nothing you can do' and now days, weeks, months, YEARS have passed and I'm almost 45 and I've made a promise to myself to NOT live like this any longer. But then, taking the steps towards this is really scary and frightening and I genuinelly don't know if it's the right thing to do. Truly. I don't know. There are times that my ADHD spouse 'comes to' and is engaged and it's like 'YES, it's all going to be OK!' but more often than not, he's so disengaged we live parallel lives and I definitely do NOT live in my values or boundaries or whatever.
And I woke up today really, really sad about it all and not sure what to do about it.
I'm so sorry
Submitted by shevrae on
I hate that I am in a similar place. I've been married for 25 years and my husband was diagnosed 3 years ago. So for a LONG time, we didn't know and the behaviors were so hurtful. When I would talk about the way I was treated with our marriage counselor he would tell my husband, "That sounds like narcissistic behavior, but I don't think you're a narcissist."
So learning that ADHD behaviors can be similar but the difference is in the intention behind the behaviors is cold comfort. I am still hurting. My husband used to think his good intentions should cancel out my pain. Now he says he understands that it doesn't, but he doesn't know what to do about it. I don't either. He is currently in an engaged moment trying to figure out what to do, but I can't get my heart to care. It won't last.
It's like my cynicism over the relationship makes him kick into high gear to get me to be hopeful again because when I'm hopeful I do almost all of the work of connecting and looking for solutions. Then he can leave me to it and go do something else. And I'm alone with my pain and heartache again while he is off enjoying his life because he has his wife back. I can't bear it.
I'm stuck for a bit - I was a tradwife before being a tradwife was cool and I've got a few years left homeschooling my kids. I'm focusing on myself and making a life for myself that I love and it's somewhat successful. Living a parallel life with my husband is the best way to ensure I don't get my heart broken again. I've told him I'm happy to do that - he wants more. So I don't know where we go from here.
It doesn't end
Submitted by adhd32 on
If your spouse is not actively dedicated to improvement on a daily basis you will continue on this roller coaster of a life. One fleeting change brings hope but it all comes crashing down with the next RSD episode where you hang your head and dejectedly seek refuge from the tornado of insults. The bottom line is you have to assess his commitment to change. Is he working on himself? If he is not, you can count on this life until you walk away. His commitment to change is the indicator to his true dedication to your relationship. You cannot change him, that change must come from him, of his own volition. Often when a non spouse is preparing their exit the adhd spouse will wake up and improve a bit in an attempt to stop their spouse from taking away their support system. Once things settle down, all the negative factors return and you are still stuck. You cannot hope this gets better, you must force his hand. Is he working on himself with strategies for the problematic behaviors? If not, that should be a boundary for you to stay. If he is unwilling to change, you have your answer and it's time to start planning for the second half of your life.
This.
Submitted by BurnedOutLady on
Just this.
I can relate
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
"It's like my brain and body know what to do, are screaming at me to do it..."
Nothing has ever encapsulated how I was feeling before I left more than this. I ended things 3 years ago at the very age you are: 45. My body knew years earlier what I had to do but I didn't want to believe it. My advice is to listen to your body - it knows. It's warning you that it can't take this for much longer.
Time frame
Submitted by shevrae on
I was almost 45 when I asked for a separation. This put my husband into overdrive to fix things and he was willing to try medication for the first time. Two years later the medication does mostly manage his anxiety (which was so bad the kids and I felt unsafe and why I asked for a separation) but he has not done the work to take responsibility for himself the way he promised to 2 years ago. There seems to be something about our mid-40s when we are just over. it.
So true!
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
In my 40s I couldn't stand the example our relationship was setting for our daughter. I would never want the marriage I had for her. I looked ahead and dreaded retiring with him too. I could distract myself by raising our child, but once she was grown and gone, I knew I'd have to fully face the nothingness of our relationship. And as I looked ahead, I knew my role would continue to be maid... cook... breadwinner... caregiver... yet I would probably sometimes need care myself (age-related illnesses, for example). I knew I couldn't count on him to be there for me. I was looking ahead at more decades of this unfulfilling, exhausting existence... and like you said... I was just over it! If it helps, I have no regrets. Leaving wasn't an easy path (neither was staying), but I'm healthy and free and able to find the person I once was again. I do feel like I lost my best years to him, but I love that I should have decades ahead of me that I get to write the story for.
Really wishing you the best and hoping you find clarity and peace.
i totally agree
Submitted by honestly on
I had the same thing at the same time of life, but got hauled back in with promises of change. Any lasting change, though, came from me. I ended up working on his happiness as I genuinely thought 'if he's happier, we'll be happier'; I thought he might behave better, contribute more, pay me more attention (this was all pre diagnosis so idk what i was dealing with). So for the past decade I've been complying with his wants and sublimating mine, covering all the domestic and practical bases, and still getting the full whack of his RSD. I had no idea what a mess I was until I started unpacking it in therapy; I just knew working on his happiness had made me desperately unhappy. My body knew then - it took me a long time to hear, but for a while there it was screaming at me. I hear it now and understand why I flinch away from him. I don't try and bear it anymore. I'm in my early 50s now. I've tried to end the relationship twice already. I've wasted a lot of time - half my life in fact - but now I'm not asking or telling him, I'm just leaving. I have my plan in place. Three time's the charm.
I feel so much empathy for you
Submitted by sickandtired on
When you say, "my brain and body know what to do, are screaming at me to do it, but my heart just doesn't want to listen or understand. It keeps saying 'it's fine, it's going to be ok, it's going to sort itself out, don't worry about it today, nothing you can do' and now days, weeks, months, YEARS have passed" ...
I have been where you are. It's miserable to stay, and it's miserable to go. You remind me of me when I was caught in an ever shrinking "comfort zone" with my ex, putting off the breakup because I feared what might happen if I ended it once and for all. I wasted almost 10 years procrastinating the breakup because I didn't want to anger him. I lied to myself that the few good times were worth it, that I could fix him, or that he would finally understand and then behave better. I wish I could go back in time, face my fears about leaving, and do what I should have done a decade earlier, but I just "hung in there" stayed there, like a frog in a cooking pot, letting him slowly drive us into chaos, hoping things would get better. The only thing that made things better was when I stepped out of my comfort zone, faced my fears of his reaction, and took back my life. It was and still is messy, because he still tries to insert himself back into my life, but I hold tight to my boundaries, ignore him, and try to focus my emotional energy on the new life I have created. I got married to a wonderful man almost 7 years ago. I never would have met him if I had chosen to stay frozen inside a very sad life with my ex boyfriend for another 10 years. Life is too short to struggle with someone who constantly drains you. A good mate should be your best friend and most trusted confidant, someone who values your feelings, someone you can rely on, and feel joy when they walk in the door.
Trust your mind and your body telling you to go. Your "heart" telling you it will work out I suspect is actually your fears telling you to stay in your comfort zone.
So sorry
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I'm so sorry to hear about your distress. The big sadness came over me one day too.
Six months out: I'm beginning to feel there is no inbuilt punishment in every day like when we were married. I'm regaining confidence. I even feel good about myself. I'm often sad still but very rarely angry. When overwhelmed, I can soothe myself and it works.
It's a miracle. Inside the marriage, there was just so much I could do to ever feel differently. I was chronically unhappy. Out, the world is once again mine to enjoy.
I don't know how you want to proceed from here. I hope that whatever you choose, you will have more freedom to create a good life for yourself.
Whew. That is tough
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
Thanks to you all for posting. I have to admit that it's tough to read and even tougher to be honest with myself about how much of this I know already but haven't done anything of substance about just yet.
But while I digest - becaude i have no idea which way to go or anything - I wanted to say thank you to you all for taking the time to share.
It's just really really hard. And I know I have to choose my hard but this is really hard to sit in.
Hugs
Submitted by Swedish coast on
No I'm sure this can't be easy. I hope you have some real life support too? These challenging life decisions seem to make us all so alone. And nobody can totally understand your unique struggle. Hugs to you.
Thank you, I do
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
Yes, I do have some awesome and amazing real life support. I'm in the Non- group that is offered as part of Melissa's courses and I've found it very helpful/theraputic. I booked that just for myself. It's almost over and once it is, I'll be going back into therapy with specialised work on grief and really trying to start facing the unfinished childhood business that I married (so looking at my IFS and how that's affecting me). I also bought the book but haven't really dived into it yet. My spouse has chronic back pain and well as acute pain that is triggered by his stress - the only problem is that it's very clear that is it ME that stresses him out. And daily, normal life. I took a break recently with my son and my husband did more for himself and his mental health while we were gone and when I try to support him and encourage him, he has a narrative in his head that he doesn't share and lets run wild and I'm often the resting train stop for those at some point later on in the future and it's SO MUCH FUN (*sarcastic tone here) to be on the receiving end of it out of the blue.
I also have committed myself to 4 main things that are non-negotiabloe for me: 1. Hydration 2. Exercise 3. Sleep 4. Nutruition. So if I slip on 1 of them, the other 3 help support me until I get back even. And I have some awesome friends. Really really awesome and I'm making an effort to ensure that I'm giving back what has been given to me and trying out my boundaries as well. That's the hard part.
Strong
Submitted by Swedish coast on
There is a lot of resilience in your words. Even if it's not what we would like, the life as non partner seems to make us incredibly strong. I think of you.
and you too
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
Thank you Swedish, I always appreciate when you take the time and effort to comment on any blog post, but specifically my own. This is such a tough situation but I'm trying to change my own mind set to what I can control and the narrative I allow myself. But it all still sucks. I think of you all the time as well and wonder where you got your username from as I spent time in Sweden a long time ago and have so many happy memories from it. It's from another life too :) So any/every time you comment, it makes me smile and reminds me of the person I was before all this and there is some level of greatness and wonderfulness about me that at times get hidden under the anger and resentment and shit that life has thrown my way.....
Same age, same boat
Submitted by Catterfly on
Hi Off the Roller,
I hear all of this. My brain and body, too, have been screaming at me for a long time that there is something wrong. But I could never define it or understand it because he always told me things were great and that he loved me. He recently admitted to me that he has never felt anything really, except for rage. He was good at hiding that originally but now I deal with it constantly. Does that sound familiar to you, too?
This past Tuesday I got the biggest wake-up call. Our daughter has been hospitalized (since last weekend), and on Tuesday they told us how severe it is. At that point we didn't know if we would lose her. Thank god, we haven't and yesterday she was cleared from the medical emergency.
But my point is - when we heard this news, my husband abandoned me in the hospital and took a conference call. My knees were buckling. I ended up collapsed and sobbing like a baby in a hallway.
He did nothing to support me. And he never has actually - I am a strong woman and didn't realize I needed anything more, until something happened that was too much to bear. If that's not a final straw though I don't know what is.
It will be a long process, but I'm focusing on my daughter and starting to imagine a new life with her.
I guess my advice is to not sweat the decision too much, to stay or go. The world has a way of providing a catalyst one way or the other, and one day you'll just know.
PS - I didn't know Dr. Ramani but will look up the podcast you mentioned . Thank you.
me too
Submitted by honestly on
That sounds so terrifying.
My OH did something this too, though the details are different. Planned surgery, unforeseen complications, kiddo in a state, me holding it together in front of her, but distressed, exhausted and realising this is going to be a long tough haul. He, though, is responding to work emails on phone. Informs me someone's asked him a favour and he's going to go away for work to the other end of England the next day.
I worry about your situation
Submitted by Taminator1 on
Sorry to hear that you are going through this. ADHD is not easy to deal with. I think the problem is that he's not taking the necessary steps to improve his situation. I can empathize the condition, but not the lack of willingness to better himself. If he takes care of his mental health, goes to therapy rather than saying this is who I am, take it or leave it then you should choose the latter. I would also suggest marriage counseling as well and see if your husband is willing to go. If he doesn't go, then you need to do what's best for you and your family outside of his decision. I wish you well
I feel you
Submitted by phoenix_rising on
Same situation here with my husband. We are waiting for his diagnosis, but it might be adhd + covert NPD. Sometimes everything is fine, most of times is sadness.
You and me both
Submitted by BurnedOutLady on
I have made the decision to leave him but we are still on the same property, now in different houses. I thought I could somehow stay here, this is my home, but I discovered today that there simply is no way to do this. I actually have to move away from him. Sadness is only one part of this nightmare.