Submitted by ArtGamer on 06/08/2017.
I have now proven beyond doubt that the problems in my marriage and home are far more than my wife's ADHD. She came from an abusive family and over the last year has radically increased contact with them. The result is that she is now 100% emotionally abusive and conflict seeking in our home.
I need advice from people who have successfully separated and divorced their ADHD spouses. I need to know what to prepare for, what to expect, and how to do this in the least destructive way possible. For example:
- Are there unusual complications from divorcing an ADHD spouse?
- Is her ADHD diagnosis going to be used against me and to her benefit in the legal proceedings?
- Is there anything I can do to prepare, such as documentation, to make sure I don't get the short end of the stick?
I need help devising both short and long term plans.
I definitely can provide some
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I definitely can provide some information about my experience divorcing a spouse with ADHD. I want to think about it a bit; I'll try to remember to respond tomorrow.
Divorce
Submitted by ADHDhusbandFAIL on
I'm ADHD, have been since I was 7 years old. Had a hard time in grade school, then when I got through college I thought I had my ADHD under control. Married fairly young, to the first lady that showed interest in me (I thought that's where we went wrong).
Looks like I'm probably most likely going through my second divorce currently. This time I know it is from my untreated ADHD, now that I look back I realize my first divorce was from my ADHD too. Didn't realize that until now while I'm going to the end of my second marriage.
My advice is be blunt about it. ADHD people prefer to know exactly why and what. So if you try to sugar coat things and not get to the point then you won't be doing your ex a favor. You want to leave this person for obvious reasons, but I'm sure you want to make sure this person is ok from the pain of loosing a lover. Also you need to help them understand why and help them understand their issues/problems. Help make them aware if you can, not everyone can see past denial.
I know now there were tons of things I could have done differently to prevent this outcome. However I wasn't aware of all my issues until now. My second wife divorcing me has given me some knowledge and understanding about myself, something I will always cherish her for. Now with this new information and understanding of myself I can try and prevent this sort of thing happening again. But then I'm also at the point now where I highly doubt I'll get married again, if so I think I'd have to be with someone a good 10 years before I even considered it.
More people with ADHD need to be taught that their untreated ADHD will cause relationship problems later in life. That is a fact I wish I had known years ago. Loosing the first wife was hard, loosing my second wife is a wakeup call and a huge disappointment in myself. Hope some people can read this and make some changes before it's too late. On that note, if you are divorcing an ADD/ADHD person then please by all means be clear and supportive. Try not to show your anger because that will cause an ADHD person to go into denial or on the defensive, once they are in that mind set they will just blame you for being mean and angry. You want to try and show them their issues when you walk out the door, this will hopefully set them up to maybe correcting themselves before they get into their next relationship.
Best of luck. Peace and love. Remember everyone has issues and the world isn't perfect.
Here are some things about my
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Here are some things about my divorce that might (or might not) be relevant to other people contemplating obtaining a separation or divorce from a spouse with ADHD. I don't assume that everyone who has ADHD is alike or even necessarily similar, so your mileage may vary.
1) Neither of us had a lawyer in court. I considered myself more able than most unrepresented people to adequately deal with the proposals and associated paperwork and filings because I am a lawyer (although I don't practice, I work in a law-related field, have access to legal publications, and understand them, for the most part). I decided that the divorce would cost less and be less contentious if I didn't hire a lawyer, and I think that ended up being true. As I said to a friend, if I had hired a lawyer, I would have had to pay that person to do things like call my ex-husband repeatedly: ex has a habit of rarely answering the phone. Better that I did things like that "for free." Ex could have hired a lawyer but he didn't do so.
2) In my state, one person can file by herself or himself or both can file jointly. It would have been difficult to get my ex sufficiently involved to file jointly and I knew that waiting for him to decide would have prolonged the process, so I filed by myself.
3) Despite filing by myself, our divorce could still be uncontested if we could work out all issues on our own. Uncontested divorces take less time and cost less money. I figured it would be easier on me emotionally because I didn't want to be airing our disagreements in a courtroom and submit my fate to a judge. I assumed, accurately I think, that my cheap and hard-to-get-involved ex would also fare better with an uncontested divorce.
4) I had three goals for our property (financial) agreement: fair division of property; close to equal division of property; and division of property that would require as little contribution as possible by my ex. My ex often has a hard time getting things done. I wanted there to be few papers for him to sign and nothing for him to initiate. So, for example, I decided immediately that he should get his pensions so we wouldn't have to do a QDRO (an order that he would have had to initiate). Minimizing my ex's share of the work did not benefit me financially. I probably would have been better off if he had gotten the house and I had gotten the equivalent in other assets. But I was and am very realistic. I'm sure that I would still be waiting for my share of the property if we had reached an agreement that necessitated him doing more of the paperwork. As it was, it took approximately 8 months to split everything, because he sat on some documents for months without signing and returning them.
5) An agreement, by definition, must be agreed on. It was hard to get my ex to talk about the property division. I offered him many opportunities. He rarely answered the phone or responded to email messages. After several attempts to contact him, he finally answered the phone one day. He listened to me. He said, "X isn't fair." I immediately made a huge concession and said please, just let me know right now if this is okay with you. He said it was. I modified the property division accordingly.
6) Ex lied on his financial disclosure statement. I did not lie on mine. This annoyed but did not surprise me. He has a pattern of secrecy and dishonesty about money.
7) The first court appearance was with a court commissioner, basically to tell us what we needed to do to finish the divorce as uncontested. Beforehand, I said to my ex, if you don't agree with the property division, PLEASE TELL ME BEFORE THE HEARING. He said, sure, yes, fine. At the hearing, ex went into victim mode. "But ... but ... she's getting the house. it's the biggest asset. And I work for my parents and they're old and sick and i might not have a job next week." I felt as though i'd been sucker punched. I was very upset. Lesson to me? Expect the unexpected, especially from an impulsive person who seems to have little understanding of how his statements and behavior might affect other people and little ability to think ahead.
The court commissioner told us to supply dollar figures for everything for the final hearing because the judge would look at that. I did so, and was able to show that the property division was fair and that my ex got more than half the assets.
8) I asked a family member to accompany me to court for the final hearing. He was happy to. This made me feel calmer and might have encouraged less impulsivity by my ex.
9) I got the house and to tell the truth, it's kind of a pain to maintain and to pay for, but my ex would have been in a worse position vis-a-vis the house.
I hope this helps. I'm happy to answer questions.
Edited to add: That my marriage ended made me very sad. I think the divorce was the right choice but it was the lesser of two evils. My ex expressed no sadness to me about th divorce. He did say he wanted to stay married but he declined to change the behaviors that I defined as deal breakers (deal breakers that he engaged in over many years and that I attempted to discuss with him many times).
ArtGamer............Adivse
Submitted by kellyj on
I read through the things you said here, and some of them don't seem to line up or make sense to me? This not me saying I disagree or that I even have an opinion to give you ( and advise at all ). This is just me seeing some things that don't make sense so I went back to your earlier posts to get some more clarification or to see if I could get more understanding from them to help me simply understand? I have been divorced twice so you might say I am experienced there for sure, so coming from a place where I have radically changed my expectations of what a marriage should be from the youthful wishing and hoping and putting that into a more realistic concept or framework now.....I'd say my expectations in the purest form are pretty low. I'll grant myself of that much in terms of expecting any relationship I'm in....to be anything but what it is? I don't have this ideal set in front of me anymore, where if it doesn't happen (which it never did ) I am not devastated or disappointed in a "dream" or an "illusion" or some "fantasy" I created in my head of what that might be? I've pretty much washed that stuff clean out my head with a fresh peice of paper with nothing on it in terms of the future is concerned? Expectations....do come from some place you know? They don't come out of thin air and they are always attached to something? What that is....is what is always important to know? In what I said I've learned is that my disappointment.....came from a "dream". A "dream" is not reality, it's simply something you made up in your head? As soon as you put a real live living person into your fantasy world in your head.....you can easily see why that won't work.....since they are not some cartoon character you created at your drawing board and stuck into your comic strip in your head? ( the "illusion" or "dream of the future" ) Other people.....in the real live flesh and blood have "free will" the same as you. They choose to do things the same as you ,but not everything is a choice? Shit happens too, for no reason or just coninsidence and there is random happenstance and is more to do with fate not destiny/ Fate of being at the right or wrong place at the right or wrong time is not something you can control or predict which is also happening at the same time as you are making choices and forming expectations of the future around them? But "shit happens" is simply that. Because...is the only reason sometimes....."shit happens". A lot more than you might think I might add? People just do sometimes....and so do you? Any expectations you might have can easly become a problem? And a problem if you are always fining yourself disappointed? Disappointment and failure do have a similar feeling or ring to them but one comes from expectations and failure can come from just about anything? Including when :"shit happens" too. Anything and everything can be the cause of failure....but disappointment is a pretty specific and comes pretty much through our expectations exclusively? What I've found at least for myself, is that the fewer expectations I have about the things being the way I want them or would like them to be in terms of things I want....is really helpful in terms of not building expectations on things I have no control of? That's on the postive end of things for me as I don;t get disappointed a lot a take things as they come and live my life one day at a time and don't ge to worried about the future in terms of my wishes, dreams and fantasies in my head? Those aren';t real anyway so that;s a double wammy when I apply fantasies to reality and then expect them to happen. That is a recipe for failure and disappointment every time I do that one. So I don;t do that one, and then there is no problem. Problem solved there and life is good? Fiction..and non fact based ideals, illusions, dreams, ideologies or beliefs I've either conjured up in my head on my own....or worse, someone told me and I bleived them...have been the source of countless heartache and disappointment and I learned my lesson on that one long ago. Don't do that, and you will never been disappointed? All of that, was in my head and is not real or reality based on facts. Facts and the truth are synonymous with reality and "dreams" I made up in my head....are based on fiction and not truth.
So in terms of expectations...there is another aspect to this that is also true. Assumption come from expectations too. And when we assume......we make an ASS- out of U amd ME as they say. Truer words cannot be spoken. That is truth, based on reality right there.
So in going back to your first post, I spotted a couple of things that didn't register right with me, so I thought I would just point them out, since I really don't have enough information to give you any advise or at a least, the advise you are asking for?
I hear you.
For me, I have developed a simple approach through my own experience. Yes, give love and be kind, but I don't expect anything in return. I don't share much of my personal life, thoughts, and opinions because that is for people who have earned my trust. Trust cannot be given, it must be earned.
It isn't pessimism, just realism. They are happy because they get the attention they want and they don't really care about my life, anyway, at least not in any deep or meaningful way. I am happy because the relationship doesn't have room or potential for melodrama, emotional blackmail, or being stabbed in the back.
And very true, you can't choose your family. But like everyone else, they have to earn trust. In my case, most of them have not. And since I have adopted that approach, I am happier and so are they.
And since I have adopted that approach, I am happier and so are they. This is the part that makes no sense to me? How can you know that they are happy, from you adopting this approach? You would literally have to be able to read some ones mind to know that which is impossible to do? That makes no sense. So I'll just leave that right there. I will say however, that sounds like an assumption to me to be perfectly honest? Just a heads up so you can see why that doesn't;t make any sense from the listeners point of view since there is absolutely no way for you to know that? Is there?
It isn't pessimism, just realism. They are happy because they get the attention they want and they don't really care about my life, anyway, at least not in any deep or meaningful way. I'm not understanding your connection between pessimism and realism? I'm not sure if that is correct, but it's not sounding completely wrong or incorrect it just seems out of context and doesn't make a lot of sense that's all? But there you go again saying "they are happy because...." and then you give your reasons for it? How could you know if someone is happy...using your own reasoning to do it? That makes no sense either....unless it was the other person or people that are saying it about themselves? And it sounds like, you've decided for them ( who ever they are ) that attention is what they want and they don't care about you and your life in a deep and meaningful way? Again, you are basing all of that on your version of what is deep and meaningful..and deciding for "them" that they all they want is attention and you give them that so therefore????? they ARE happy? That sound like a ton of assuming right there to be brutally honest? A whole ton of assuming in ways there is no way you could know what you just said? Not unless you can mind read and there is no way you can do that? That is impossible so there is no way that could be accurate or true?
I am happy because the relationship doesn't have room or potential for melodrama, emotional blackmail, or being stabbed in the back. You're happy with this maybe...but what about everyone you are with? You've already decided that a "they are happy" in those other statements but in this one in particular....I cannot see how anyone else could possibly be a happy with that? And the reason for that is simple. You are giving anyone the chance. I have to wholeheartedly disagree with you when you say "Trust" must be earned. Respect must be earned....I feel pretty strongly about that....but not trust. Trust is part of love and forbearance and without trust...there is no love that you say you give? I'm thinking possibly, your not giving Love but withholding it as a reward or punishment for good behavior or bad contingent on if they earn it from you? That to me sounds incredibly controlling and manipulating and really is a form of abuse whether you realize it or not? It's not Love....I can guarantee it. What ever it is you think your giving, I'm not going to speculate but I will say that what your are doing is completely unrealistic and unfair. Why or how can I say that? Here's why..............
I don't share much of my personal life, thoughts, and opinions because ............... I don't need to go any further than that statement since everything that comes after it is moot. There is no logic what so ever in what you just said. I do not share my thoughts or opinions or much or my personal life....which means your keeping it to yourself? And if you have that closed off kind of way of communicating with people....you are not telling them the most important part of what they need to know? They need to know how you feel and you aren't telling them by keeping it to yourself. That is called......"closed communication"....yet you expect others to read you mind like you read theirs? Which is impossible for them to do as well as you? You cannot read minds...since that is impossible. That is a universal truth there is just no denying. The irrefutable, universal and undeniable truth. You I or any human in existence...cannot read your mind nor they can they with you? The only way for them to know what'[s on your mind....is to tell them but that would require you to trust them first.....and become vulnerable to them? If you cannot become vulnerable.....your pretty much fucked. Trust comes first....and the what ever happens happens.
And more than anything else in what I've also discovered...that Trust comes from trusting yourself first, then you can trust others? What this really boils down to is becoming vulnerable whether you trust the other person or not? And to be vulnerable without trust you need to simply have the courage to do so with no guarantees? What I see more than anything else....is lack of courage on your part? You can what you like about anything else I;ve said, but without courage...you cannot be vulnerable. Courage will take you long long way....in lue or lack of a lot of others things. Fear and danger and uncertainty are always going to be there....there is only one way around that problem and that is the ability to summon courage and inner strength in the face of adversity. If I had any advise to give you, them I would point my finger there for a start. Just to look at and think about and see if you don't see what I see inside yourself first before you make any desions or draw any conclusions. At least for a start and see what you come up with?
J