"Just accept it and move on", "do you", "lower your expectrations". What are these? All things I preach about to myself and others when you don't get what you signed on for from your spouse that has ADHD. Yesterday, the other girl showed up, the one that is still human and wants to be nurtured. I send him the usual text in the morning that has to do with something domestic, his reminder, "please deposit the weekly money into the account" since he won't do a recurring deposit. Never get a response. In fact, I never get any communication all day, no text, call, nothing. I am used to this although not happy about it. I call it abnormal normalcy. I get out from work at 4:30 PM, my girlfriend invites me to her house so she can cook for me and hang out. I say yes since the husband gets home late from work. I get home from her house about 9:30 PM and he is home. Now he hasn't bothered to see where I am , if I am ok. I feel unloved, no concern from him and like he just knows I am fine. I walk in and get "hey love! how was your day?" The response I want to give..."you would know that if you kept in touch". I say "fine". He says, "I deposited that money" I say, "so you got my text?" He says yes. Then he says, "you don't look right. What's going on?" Then I have to decide whether its worth talking about it, only to have him say that he sucks. So I told him I was ok and I was going to bed. 25 years of the same stuff wears you out. Eventually, he said that if we are ever going to improve, we have to talk. I told him that I was scared it would be an argument or blame game. So he said he would listen. I told him how I felt when I go away on trips and tell him I got there ok and hours later he responds. I told him how he doesn't initiate and that is why he doesn't SEE my texts. I told him that my family and friends check up on me but he doesn't. He then says that much may not change since its who he is. I then told him that since I have to accept that, maybe I should unlearn being loving, caring, generous- but that is hard to do. I can't be emotionless and flatline and just because he gives me his reason, ADHD, I am STILL in pain. It doesn't make it normal for ME. He then asks if I have read any of the books he has read about his condition, like You Mean I Am Not... I then say "where is the book that explains to YOU how I feel? I didn't get married to not be nurtured, to not be a team, to live as if I were single, to reach out to you with no response" All those books talk about THEIR symptoms. What about US? I told him that this is dangerous since I feel no attention or concern from him but so many others give me attention- dangerous. He said I am important and he does love me. I know that, I don't feel that. I told him I can come and go as I please and he doesn't question in the least. He said he was trying and asked if I have not noticed he is cleaning his garages and room and organizing. Yes, I commended him for that, now what are you doing to make ME feel loved, I asked. He said he didn't feel the need to tell me that. I told him I would gladly tell him what I do DAILY to do my part. He wouldn't even know if I were having an affair. We both were calm, he listened for the first time and even said sorry. WHAT???????????? He wants to do better he said. I just need him to understand that a reason is not an excuse. I continue to try even though I say I don't want to care but I wanted him to know that I still have needs and it is painful to know you don't get what you put into the relationship. we cried, we hugged and I was glad we talked, I kissed him and said goodnight since he stays up til 3AM as an insomniac, went to bed alone. I know things will not change much, I sent him a text right after we spoke and I may as well not have. He came to bed at who knows what time. This morning I got ready for work and he lay there asleep. The loving person in me wants to go into the bedroom and say goodbye but the tired woman says, "once again, it's you doing all the work" He doesn't make an effort to see me off, have breakfast together, nothing, but can spend hours watching tv until 3AM. So I just left for work and kept the energy for myself. It won't bother him anyway although he has said he loves it when I hug him goodbye and tuck him in before I leave. Of course you do because ALL people appreciate feeling needed and special. I do so much to make him feel loved and toasty and the human in me would like the same. Have I accepted? I feel that I am getting there since I can go hours without hearing from him, go out til midnight and not get a call from him. Does it feel ok? Hell no. It is not normal to be married and feel single and depend on your family and friends to make sure you are breathing. I told him that I feel like I am on a work release program and I check in at the prison at night. So, perhaps a day or a week will go by and I will get a bit of attention before it all continues as is. At least I got my feelings out, at least he didn't twist my words, at least we ended on a good note and not in an argument. That makes me feel good that I didn't lose my head in a pointless argument that makes you feel like you are crazy. If he could see my heart, he would be in tears. Everything is about THEIR issue, THEIR symptoms, why THEY act the way they do. If only they could learn compromise- I understand how hard it must be for him, does he see my predicament? If his ADHD is so real and a HUGE deal, why reject professional help or meds? Switch gears and think about the way I feel and the choices that I have in order to deal with your inattentiveness. I am not a robot, I have feelings and have always told you about them and the pain I have. You say I deserve better- I bet if I another man filled my void you would blame me, not you since I have to be faithful til the end right? Before it gets there, please just do a littel bit. Everyone deserves unsolicited love. Listen and learn and stop throwing paragraphs from a book at me- that book is NOT about me. Acceptance will help me to be at peace, it's not fair that I have to accept less than I deserve while he sits there expending no energy on us. Unevenly yoked in the Bible refers to marrying someone that is not sharing your religious beliefs and can drag you down or make you carry most of the weight but the same applies for emotional weight. I would never recommend for a mushy, loving and attentive person that tries to please everyone to be married to someone with ADHD. You will torture yourself wanting what you will not get, even when you beg. So, I got all of that out and I assume that in 2 months, I will have to vent to him again. Each day I will take care of myself more and cultivate my friendships and relationships with my family. It's a natural thing to protect yourself from behavior you are used to and then its a human thing to get fed up that you have to protect yourself from behavor from someone that says you are their world. Rollercoaster is a perfect word to describe our plight. I don't like amusement parks anymore as I get older. I just want a peaceful loving relationship where I don't do ALL the work for someone to tell me they love me. It's like having a boss that doesn't acknowledge you, you work overtime, have no benefits and can't ever go find another job. You are just there for the paycheck. This will be one of the hardest things I will ever have to deal with in my life- it is making me stronger- still a void. So glad I have this forum. He has his books.
The need to be nurtured vs "I am not wired that way"
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on 08/04/2015.
Some of what you're describing is ADHD, but some of it sounds...
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
....like regular guy stuff.
Men aren't women. Even mentally-healthy men can seem uncaring. They're just not into all the ways women communicate.
My dad didn't have ADHD, yet he would have stayed in bed while my mom left for work.
However, the non-answering the text when all it takes is an OK, is just rude. That isn't ADHD. Having ADHD doesn't prevent someone from selecting O and K on their phone and pressing send. Some phones even have that as a default answer choice. This is something you can insist on. It doesn't take "remembering". When someone says, "hi" to you while walking down the street, an ADHD person doesn't' "forget" to say "hi" back. He may not remember to say "Hi," first, but saying, "HI" back should be a natural response for anyone short of something else more severe.
I know that it's painful to feel like your h doesn't care. He obviously does. At least he tells you that he does love you. I have a friend whose ADHD h rarely EVER tells her that he loves her. Almost never.
As for wondering where you are all day, or wondering if you're having an affair, obviously you are a person who doesn't act like she would be unreliable or have an affair. Conversely, thank goodness you don't have a crazy h who suspects that you're having an affair when you aren't! lol Those type of husbands can make a person feel like a prisoner.
My own H doesn't suspect me of having affairs all the time, but he does contact me a lot, but that's because he's NEEDY. He wants me around him all the time. THAT gets old.
My mom used to get mad at my dad when he never stayed up waiting for his daughters to come home from dates. My mom always would. My mom was always worried that something would happen, an accident or something. My dad didn't worry.
Thank you for your comment.
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
Thank you for your comment. Yes you are right somethings are just plain rude and selfish. The other guy stuff, I see that the more and more I speak to people about how long they have been married and romance in the marriage, they also say "yeah right "it's a shame. I guess it's the hopeless romantic in me that doesn't give up. But it does take effort on both parts. I do realize that there are other people that have it way worse than I do. My husband lets me do pretty much whatever I want and other people are prisoners in their own home and their spouses are very possessive. I guess That is what this forum is all about isn't it? The lack of balance. My father himself was a very funny man but on attentive and inconsiderate and it seems like many people in relationships are like that especially once they get comfortable. Add to that ADHD or bipolar disorder and it makes life that much more interesting. A part of me knows that I must let go in order not to be a prisoner in this bubble of mine and just to be happy with the fact that I am not smothered, abused, and just deal with the fact that I married someone that is not like me in that at times it will almost seems like I am alone. Glad I am a strong little girl.
Oh sweetie--have you read any
Submitted by dvance on
Oh sweetie--have you read any of my other posts?? So much of what you said happens in my house too. When the alarm goes off, DH turns it off and gets up and starts his day. No good morning, no hello how did you sleep-nothing. That I have learned to get over, but the really problematic thing if I have the alarm set for something I need and it goes off, he just turns it off-he doesn't nudge me to make sure I get going. I have missed many things because of this, so now I set my phone alarm on my side of the bed. DH travels for work--since Dec of last year, his job entails a lot of travel. Sometimes I know where he is and sometimes I don't. I have a google calendar for all of our family events. He may or may not add his trips to it. Why? He just doesn't think of it. If I text him during the day when he is out of town, it's anybody's guess if he will answer. He often does not remember things I have told him or conversations we have had. For example, the school I went to as a child closed at the end of this school year--I told him about it and we even had a discussion about it. I mentioned something about it a few weeks later (the mom of one of my 8th grade students was the principal when it closed), and he was totally shocked that the school had closed. No recollection of us discussing it ever. He will often call or text me and say he will be home at a certain time, but that time comes and goes and he is almost never home when he said he would be. Longest lag time to date was 6 hours. He was supposed to be home at 3pm, walked in at 9:30. Why? An accident. I have no idea what kind of accident would cause a 6 hour delay, but what do I know. I don't even ask any more if he is late. If he is out of town and I don't know where he is, I no longer care or wonder. Clearly he is not "wired that way" either. I miss being nurtured and doing some nurturing myself. DH is the most self contained person I have ever met. It does not appear he needs very much from me. There have been three other women in the past three years, so I don't know what they did for him that I don't, but whatever. I too can be late or go out for hours and he doesn't check on me. So strange. It's really very lonely and an odd way to manage in life. I hate it.