Can anyone offer ideas on how to bring up a very sensitive topic to my ADHD spouse? He is very private and was recently diagnosed with ADHD. No one in our family knows about it and I don't foresee that changing in the near future. While I have gotten a lot of support from books, research and forums, I feel I need to belong to a group to get more support. I am not sure if there is a support group for the NON-ADHD spouse in my area, but I would like to try to find one. I brought this up with my husband and it did not go well at all. I picked a bad time - at night after work and didn't preface the conversation with what I wanted to talk about and if it was a good time. He thought we were just sitting down to connect. The conversation went down hill quick and ended up in a big argument. He seems fine today as is our typical pattern - he lets things go pretty easily - guess that is a blessing of ADHD. I want to bring this up again with him because I feel strongly that an in-person support group would be good for me. Any suggestions on how to broach the subject with him again?
Need help on bringing up a sensitive topic
Submitted by Suda on 06/24/2014.
I don't think you need your
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I don't think you need your husband's permission to attend a support group. So if your husband reacts extremely negatively to you bringing up the issue, don't bring it up and just go to the group.
Disclosing private information....
Submitted by Suda on
He is concerned with me disclosing the fact that he has ADHD. It is not my issue to disclose. how do i respond to that?
I would assume that members
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I would assume that members of support groups are asked to not disclose information about the people who attend to anyone outside the support group. You could tell your husband that. But the bigger issue to me is that your husband is attempting to control your life unreasonably. Think of it this way: what if he were physically abusing you? I'll bet he wouldn't want anyone to know that, either. But would you feel as though you couldn't tell anyone because it was his issue to disclose?
more info
Submitted by Suda on
Actually, he has been supportive of me attending a CHADD meeting for parents/caregivers of ADHD children. I found that so helpful that I want to go to one for adults as I am desperate to find ways to cope and make our marriage better. I knew he probably would not be supportive of that kind of group. He is so adamant of not wanting anyone to know. Plus he feels like I am taking a "whoas me approach - my life is so bad." I don't think he believes that anyone would keep the info confidential. Everyone seems connected in some way and the world is small. He is furious that I shared this information with my parents. They are a huge support system for me and our kids. Did he really think I wasn't going to tell them? It came out in our fight last night. i guess I could have discussed with him before that I want to share this information with them.
I really feel for you. This
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I really feel for you. This is so frustrating! And I'm sorry I'm not offering better suggestions but instead just commiserating.
By the way, did you notice the mixed messages your husband is sending? "ADHD is so bad that I don't want you to reveal the fact I have it to anyone" but "It's not a problem so why do you want to go to a support group?"
How about the following? "Honey, the ADHD is a problem for me, too. Going to a support group would help me. I understand you don't want me to go. But then we'll have to work on the problem in other ways. I think you should do X, Y, and Z to deal with the ADHD. If you can do those things starting immediately, I'm willing to wait to see whether things improve."
What I did in a similar situation
Submitted by Gladiola on
This was actually a similar topic of discussion my husband and I had when he was just diagnosed. He did not want anyone to know, not his family not my family, not my friends not his friends....no one that had any contact with us at all or strangers or support groups, et al et al.....
How I approached it worked for him and I but I am not saying it will work for you. I just want to share what I did.
I told him I understood his concerns and I understood that it was his problem but it does create a drain on me and it is a part of our life. I need support and understanding just as much as you do. I will respect yor wishes and keep this reasonably quiet but if you want me to give you the best support it would be in both of our best interests if I had support as well and that means letting at least someone in on what we are dealing with.
He was mad at first but he realized eventually what he was asking was unreasonable. It was a very tense argument but keeping it a secret and bottling it up was a boundary for me and I stuck to me guns about it being so. I did respect his wishes and limited it to those who would support me and needed to know.
his argument....
Submitted by Suda on
Thank you both for your responses. He told me he understands that I need to talk about it and he wants me to talk about all I want with my therapist or in couples therapy, but NOT with anyone else. He wouldn't care if I went to therapy 5 days a week. At the moment, I go twice a month - it is very costly, but to him money is not the issue. While it is great to talk about it with my therapist, it is not the same as talking with someone who has similar experiences. I think a group setting would be very supportive. Men in general don't need to talk about their feelings as much as woman do.
I will wait and try to communicate the importance of this to him again. I might try a letter instead of talking next time. I have a hard time controlling my anger which is what brought us into a downward spiral last night.
Recent hit to self-image
Submitted by sunlight on
Hi Suda, I remember your previous postings about your husband and that his diagnosis is recent. He has had to deal with a huge change in his life. It will take him a while to absorb it and so I think it's very important that you both work together towards getting you the opportunity to talk with others - I feel he would take it very badly if you were not to be completely open and reassuring to him that your needs don't mean that you are rejecting him. Maybe, as you suggest, you could put together a letter or a note that he can read and that he can think over for a while before another deep conversation. As far as telling others - yes, it will take him some time and he may be right to worry about how it would be received. There's also a possibility of a good reception too, but he needs to be the driver of who and how he reveals it. (One anecdote - my husband went on a trip with a friend of over 20 yrs and eventually mentioned "the news" to him. His friend immediately said "I know. I knew the first day I met you"! ). Sometimes others clearly see things about us that we don't, and I imagine that may be even more true of many with ADHD) So it may be that some people have already figured your husband out but he still needs to be in control of the disclosures. It does seem that he is making progress - that is great news.
Not sure how I am going to approach it....
Submitted by Suda on
Thank you sunlight for your response. I am going to approach it differently, just not sure how yet. I do better when I write it down. I have to get across why I feel it is important for me to start or join the support group. I understand that I don't have ADHD but it does affect me and I just don't think he realizes how much it affects me. It is exhausting... Will keep you posted...
I'm sorry
Submitted by Gladiola on
That is really tough. I never considered going to a group but it probably would have been helpful.
Part of our discussion was why I wanted to talk about it, and why he wanted to keep it so secret. Once we both addressed those issues it was easier for us to discuss.
I wanted to be able to talk to my friends and family about it because I needed support since I felt so isolated. They also needed to understand why I was trying to so hard when outwardly he appeared to be, well a jerk....
More importantly it was understanding why he didn't want anyone to know. After a lot of discussion he didn't want anyone to know that he had ADD, the same reason he didn't want to be diagnosed. He had to admit that there was something he was doing that led to the pain I was experiencing, and if I told others they would know I'm not "just a drama queen" as well (as if my close fiends and family thought I was "just a drama queen" to begin with.) He had to take further responsibility. Once he realized that and he realized, while he didn't have to tell the world, it was impossible to keep it a secret, the argument got easier.
For a support group though, just like every person on this forum, will know and understand and will have been there. Maybe if you invited him to the group as well, to help him see it's not a gossip ring or something terrible he's making it out to be?
question about discussion adhd diagnosis with others
Submitted by Smokey on
Gladiola thank you for your story. I was wondering, when you did share about the reason he's a "jerk", did you encounter any mental health stigma or adhd denial from your friends and family? This is a fear of mine - that they won't get it.
Thanks!
You should go to your support
Submitted by copingSAH on
You should go to your support group without being controlled.
Just go as if you're going out to see a friend, don't make a fanfare about it, come home and just do your thing. Whether it's going over the session, making notes, meditating/contemplating.
By nature I'm very private and I'm not exactly a in-person type, so the ADHDmarriage forum here has been an immense source of support for me. However, my spouse has chosen to let a few people he trusts in on it but it seems to come out so much more easily in conversation these days. I can imagine how he used to hide fiercely behind a wall of good humor and charisma and then let it all out in private. So to me it seems he feels so much more happier being able to be out in the open about it. At least as reasonably open as he can be. He's not going to publish it online. But he lets me really let loose on this forum and he doesn't particularly care what I vent (as long as it is not AT him, LOL)
Someone I am close to swears by Al-Anon for in-support group help, it's not just for alcoholism-related relationships, but anything with dependency issues like addiction, dysfunction, co-dependency, abuse, etc. The Al-Anon group is for the spouses of those afflicted. It's not a group where people get together to complain, it's more a group where people actually get support, managing skills, as well as powerful insights that people may not normally get in their own soul-searching on how to become a full person in their own right.
I also want to add that after the ADD was trickled down to the rest of the family members, we found that a few more family members came out as having ADD too as well as other "secret" issues, it all became so much clearer to us as a whole, including those of us who have not been diagnosed. It was a very gradual thing tho... it took 20 years of marriage before the diagnosis... then it took me about a year of coming to terms with viewing the last 20 years with different eyes. I would say it took about another 1.5 to 2 years before specific members of the family knew. And of course this is always going to reach the others in one way or another. But I think it made everyone so much closer. I also found out a little more about my own ADD spouse, members relating what they remembered of him, how everyone/himself related to each other then. There apparently is a lot of dysfunction that comes with ADD, due to parents/relatives not understanding it, punishing it, etc.
Telling friends and family about an ADHD diagnosis
Submitted by NLKohlenberger on
This seems like such a sensitive issue. I do agree though that if someone feels the need for support from a support group, then just like partners of alcoholics who go to Al-Anon without their partners approval, going to a confidential group about ADHD should be the same. Of course, getting consent can be desirable, but if that kind of support seems important then I'm all for it.
I think telling friends and family is an individual issue. My husband and I both found out about our ADHD within the last 5 years, and have both confided in our friends and our families. Friends seem to be totally accepting of it. Some of them joke that they can imagine they might have it too (and in a couple of cases, I think they do!). And their acceptance is one of the things that reassures me that they are true friends.
Family has been, and can be a somewhat different matter. That's because ADHD is known to be a very heritable condition. If a child (in these cases, an adult child) has it, there's a pretty good chance that one out of two parents have it. I know in my case, it was my Dad. I didn't know it at the time, but it sure does explain everything I went through with him as a child. He's passed on now. In my husband's case, we are sure his Mom has it, and possibly his Dad as well. So, if you talk to your family about it, it might create a stir as they might see it as "catching." That shouldn't discourage you from being open about it. It's just important to know that family may have some questions if they understand the implications.
My husband and I, because our careers are based on our ADHD, are very honest about it to everyone we meet. We have not found it to bring any stigma our way. As a matter of fact, we find more people confide in us, knowing that we have it, and we're honored that they are willing to talk to us about it.
I wish you all the best.
Al-anon
Submitted by esb on
I am a member and after being on this forum for just a few days I have realized how much the spouses of those with ADHD need support. SO many of the issues mentioned are exactly the same as the ones addressed in an al-anon support group. I can't even imagine where my life would be without it. My husband would not still be my husband that is for sure. ADD/ADHD is also a genetic disease, like alcoholism so it is unlikely that he is the only one in his family with the same issues. Hang in there...