Ok im going to try to keep this brief.
Fiance lied about taking meds for condition and consistently stated how they didnt help him while pretending to take pills in front of me. Found pills stashed in backpack day before bridal shower. I cancelled the wedding since he lied for 6 months to me, and did not have a shred of remorse for his actions. We have not been intimate in close to a year, nor does he desire to be. On Christmas Eve, I was given a gift of ammo and gun gear, rather than anything I asked for, and when I told him that as much I as i appreciated that he was excited that I enjoyed hunting with him, I found it selfish that he bought a gift that would benefit him rather than wanting to give me something I wanted. I bought him everything he asked for. Later that evening, I found an objectionable object in the shower that he used to pleasure himself. After consistently denying me intamacy, I was hurt. So, at this point, for the past year of our 3 year relationship, he consistently lies, neglects me, wont help with responsibilities, cost me several thousands of dollars on wrecks, breaking a lease for a job move, and forgetting about a ticket which went to warrant, he will not call or text me, and forgets anything I ask of him. So I asked him to move out and determine if he wanted to be single since his behaviour pointed highly to a single life. Fast forward 2 months, I might hear from him twice a week, he wont spend the night, still not intimate. However when I asked him to help pack up the wedding items to get rid of them he was dumbfounded because "we would be using these". I told him as understandingly as I could that I believed that he wanted out since I was not a priority, nor was trying to get us in a better place. He had promised he would take the meds and pursue me after he moved out to get good with me. He has not done either. Tonight at 8 pm he texted me claiming he was unable to get to the phone because he was on call. I know its a crock of crap since he had time to drive home from work and get dinner. He was supposed to spend the night this weekend and have a good date weekend with me. At 8:00 his text was, i was busy, you still want me to come. Im sorry, Im so mad.....this is the crap he pulls every weekend. How can he be so deluded that we have a future when this is how he acts. I guess this is my fault because I keep hoping he will actually miss the the 2 years of good "us" and act like Im a person and not an afterthought. How much neglect can a person take before its time to give up? I remember several people asking him why he loved me, and he said he didnt know, and then they would ask "well, what attracted you to her" and his answer would be "I dont know", there doesnt seem to be anything that shows he loves me at all.
Bump
Submitted by Hydrogirl on
I don't understand why no one will comment on my post. Im already neglected in my relationship, its not cool to be neglected in a forum too. I would really like to hear from someone.
Hi, hydrogirl. I'm sorry for
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Hi, hydrogirl. I'm sorry for not responding to this sooner. I think it's because it reminds me so much of my life! I'm still married but my husband doesn't live with me (his "job" is caregiver for his elderly parents, out of town), he never calls me even if he says, "I'll call you tomorrow," he doesn't help with any family responsibilities (house, me, adult children), and when I call him, he talks about himself and never asks me about my life. I did file for a separation a few years ago, and he didn't say anything except "what happens next." He was definitely the one who withdrew from me and our children and family duties but all he can remember is that I "kicked him out" (suggested that we live separately after years of his neglectful behavior). It sucks. I have no advice to give except take care of yourself. Your fiance probably won't change.
Im sending you a big hug
Submitted by Hydrogirl on
It's weird that so many
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
It's weird that so many people seem unable to see and acknowledge the truth. It's bad enough that my husband does hurtful things but then when he lies about it.... His dad is like that, too.
The reason I didn't respond was...
Submitted by laney on
...I didn't think I could give you a constructive answer. My only thoughts in reading your story were that a) I lived this story for many, many years and b) you have no official commitment and no kids to worry about, so leaving would be so, so much easier than it was for me who had both.
My wish for you is that you have a relationship in which both people are better off than they would be if they were apart.
Time to reply
Submitted by Tired-to-my-bones on
Please don't be upset about the delay in replying to your post. Many of us deal with a mountain of crap daily and have learned that sometimes we need to assimilate what someone has written before we can construct a helpful reply. I am sorry that you have discovered how hard it is to be with someone like this, but to reframe, you are extremely fortunate to find out before marriage and children. My simple advice is to let him go. Find support for your hurt and betrayal here on this forum. Don't go through the hoping and waiting, adapting and moulding. He won't change. You will. Melissa's book shows clearly how many of us have mistakenly tried to support and have ended up enabling such behaviours that your boyfriend shows. I have been married for 30 years to a man who has only recently recognised his ADHD. I have had 2 breakdowns. His family have scapegoated me all our married life, blaming me for his problems. Would I have exposed myself willingly to a life of emotional abuse and neglect? No.
Take good care of yourself. We are here and we are listening.
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Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
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I have been married for 30 years to a man who has only recently recognised his ADHD. I have had 2 breakdowns. His family have scapegoated me all our married life, blaming me for his problems. Would I have exposed myself willingly to a life of emotional abuse and neglect? No.
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Same here.
Anyone who isn't married and doesn't have children should get out while they can....seriously. Otherwise you might as well sign yourself up for a lifetime of pain, misery, and disappointment. It only gets WORSE over time.