So I'm one of those wives who likes to hug and cuddle in the morning as part of connecting with my husband. It's hard for me to just wake up and go on my phone to do stuff or watch a show without quieter time to wake up and connect with him. I've found its what I'm drawn to in the morning because it helps me feel connected and loved, helps me get a sense of our day, get our relationship secure again as it can very up and down and opens me up to more connecting things with him. When he's okay emotionally he has enjoyed these type of mornings as well. But with his ADHD, he finds the quiet hard and not going on his phone for stimulation hard and not watching tv or going on Facebook, etc hard. I've adapted with him to have headphones on where he can listen to music or whatever but that isn't enough for him he says now. He needs something visual. But having him watch tv while I want one on one attention doesn't feel connecting to me first thing in the morning. I've also adapted to him watching with one hand on his phone but it feels like it's taking away from me still. He gets very anxious without stimulation very quickly though. I'm not sure if it's a learnt behaviour to counter his anxiety or he really needs stimulation almost the entire time he's awake.
Has anyone else dealt with needing stimulation like a phone almost all of their waking hours? Found ways to meet that in bed when their spouse wants one on one time without distractions?
Sounds like it's an addiction more than it is ADHD
Submitted by smd1409 on
That would be a whole other problem in itself. The thing that hints towards the idea that it might be a sort of 'addiction' (whether internet and gaming addiction and things similar to it is properly considered an addiction is still under debate and not currently accepted as one) is because you said that he now craves more. It's like substance abuse. People with ADHD are attracted to it at first because it helps soothe their need for stimulation. However the need to constantly use it to stimulate them and getting anxious without it is not ADHD. Specifically an ADHD effect. It's very possible that he wants it because there's something in his head which overwhelms him leading him to always retract into phones and TV, however even then that is an unhealthy habit in order to tackle anxiety. Basically, what happens when he finds himself in an overwhelming situation and doesn't have the luxury to use a phone, TV or computer?
Addiction is just as annoying to get over as ADHD when undiagnosed with its own set of obstacles, and internet addiction and similar is an everyday problem many face, not just those with ADHD. If you want to snap him out of it he'll probably resist with anger and frustration (directed in all likelihood to you even if you didn't set it off). Even if he decides or is persuaded to think it needs to stop he'll find it hard to resist much of the time so he'll need a lot of support. I've seen this sort of problem from both sides before.
I would believe to solve or limit both his need to be stimulated by phones and such as well as his possible addiction to it, you replace his need to use it with something else just as stimulating. Remember people with ADHD have a need to be stimulated, it isn't a need for a specific method of stimulation. As for what does it, you need to figure that out. For me skateboarding, martial arts, parkour and any sort of adrenaline inducing or challenging sport does it but mountain hiking even though incredibly tedious can also fulfill it because of the stimulation from the amazing views, so it might not always have to be something exciting. Even playing a game together like charades might be stimulating for him but that depends on the person. While you play charades with him you can sneak in some passive cuddling as well. I'm hinting at the fact that you can find something stimulating for him to do which you can join in with while cuddling him at the same time. Even some way of fidgeting like doodling or using a fidget spinner while you cuddle in the mornings might be effective for him. It's up to you to figure out what works.
Problem is as always his possible addiction. He won't see the need to find some other way of stimulation if he already has one. There's no perceived reason to. So you would need to give him a reason e.g. your desire to want to be focused on more strongly in the mornings.
I've also found that what works for me are flexible me times where my wife and I can choose to do anything, whether it's work or games, without any disturbance for an hour before midday and an hour after whenever we want, with a chance to add an extra 30 minutes during one of them. But that works for us because we know each other to trust not to abuse it and it took a lot of discussion about how would work as well as considering whether we can put up with it or if it'll work based on our conditions before we got to this. It's just that this might be a good way of limiting his habit of using phones and other things for stimulation. Also deciding on times where he needs to find an alternate way of stimulation like during dinner for example. He has his needs but you also have yours so you can discuss it with him. Average or not there are things you can't stand and things he can't stand as well as things you can put up with and things he can put up with.
Apart from all this it looks like you both have an understanding and loving relationship so keep it up :)
The phone addiction was a
Submitted by jeanmarie21 on
The phone addiction was a problem for us. He does not look at his phone during dinner whether home or out and neither do I or our son. Also, when I need his attention, I have to say, "I need full attention", and he puts his phone down or whatever else he is doing. At first I felt like I was his mother but then he asked me to help him with things like that because he wants t do better. The hardest thing will be getting your husband to not take offense and realize that you have needs that are not that demanding. My husband is medicated now and that has helped immensly.
loud TV and Radio
Submitted by jennalemone on
"He finds the quiet hard"
Yes, H too must have radio or television on at all times and I will get "hushed" if I try to talk. He can't seem to verbalize why he does this but says that he can't stand the ringing in his ears. But I think it is that the tv gives his brain a place to focus in one place. Wonder if other ADDers do this too.
The phone, iPad and TV rule
Submitted by dvance on
The phone, iPad and TV rule all in my house too. My husband sets up the iPad on the kitchen counter to watch The Office (which he has watched 1000000 times) while he cooks dinner. In the evenings, he is likely to have the TV on (super loud), be playing some game on the iPad and have his phone right there. Understand DH does not have a job where his phone needs to be RIGHT THERE all the time. He takes it into the bathroom and has it in there when he showers. It's crazy. If I start to say something and his phone buzzes, our conversation is over, never to be returned to. Now understand if I text him, he doesn't answer with any consistency. DH plays games on his iPad that my 6th grade students play. He watches you tube videos endlessly. I cannot fathom how these things hold the interest of a 50 year old.
I wish I had something to offer. I suspect it's the "LOOK SOMETHING SHINY" thing that ADHD brains have--constant input, constant stimulation, the need to be busy and entertained all the time. It's hard to live with and sets a terrible example for the boys.