It's been 7 months since I've asked my husband to move out of our apartment to try a therapeutic separation. Aggressiveness was really high (shouting at me and at our 4 year-old kid,...) and I thought that was the last resort to try and save our marriage...
Two months after that, we had a talk and he said he would take therapy and go get treatment with a Neurologist (we're from Mexico, and we haven't find any Doctor specialized in adult ADD). The Doctor prescribed Vyvanse and things got better for a while, though he hasn't return to our home. In the meanwhile, he took a couple of sessions of Cognitive Behavior Therapy and also got OCD diagnosed as well. He left the CBT because he said the therapist didn't get him... Nowadays there's a shortage of Vyvanse in the country, and it's been 2 months since he had his last dosage... And things got worse again... He only criticizes me, he says I do everything wrong with our kids and that I've become a 70 year-old woman because I'm super exaggerated and overprotective (he hates things like me asking the kids to wear a sweater if he thinks it's not cold enough).
I'm super sad... I thought we were getting ahead, but now it's like he hates me again... and I know it has a lot to do with the lack of medication and therapy, but I feel hopeless. It feels like eveything I do annoys him. Like he would be better without me... And all I want, is a partner I can count on
Hi MX
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I wish I had something to say that would help you. I just wanted to say hello and that you're not alone. It sounds like you made the right call with the separation for now and that really does need those meds. Keep remembering that his behavior and choices are not your fault. A sweater is not something to start a fight over and it's just plan mean if he is criticizing you and your parenting as you described. You are likely doing your best to be a great mom despite tough circumstances for you personally and that takes great strength. I don't know if there is an alternative to Vyvanse that would address your husband's specific symptoms as well, but maybe he could look into it. Or maybe, like many of us on here, your husband will not really change. It is hard to accept that, but maybe you can start thinking about yourself and planning for what you might do if he does not pursue treatment and you do not get back together.
Very much wishing the best for you and your children.
I'm so sorry
Submitted by daizzebelle on
that you are going through this. In my experience medication alone does not work...my soon to be ex husband takes Adderall. It does help with some of his symptoms, but it is not a cure. I still can't count on him. The only time I saw true change was when he was working with a coach and using the planner she customized for him and using the strategies she taught him. Unfortunately the change did not stick bc he quit using the planner and the strategies bc "it was so boring."
It's unfortunate that your H chose to quit doing CBT. Take good care of you. It sounds like you are a great mom ❤
Oof, that sucks that his
Submitted by Sollertiae on
Oof, that sucks that his ability to function is so dependent on something that doesn't exist. However, his neurologist should be able to prescribe one of the many other drugs (perhaps more readily available in Mexico) for treatment, even if they are less perfect. Most people are on some kind of combined therapy anyway... and it sounds like he could do with some sort of anti anxiety medication as well - OCD comes with a HUGE amount of anxiety, as does finding a med and then losing that clarity.
Basically I am saying that he needs to go back to the neurologist and find a back up plan, because this isn't great for him or you. Likewise it is fine to not get on with a therapist, but not fine to give up entirely. A good fit will exist but it takes more than one go, even when it is hard with untreated symptoms.
In the meantime, stay safe, do not let him shout and you and your child and do what you want. It will never please him like this and you don't have to cater to that, especially if not in the same house. If he is at all human, he doesn't hate you but is lashing out with his own inner rage at himself... which is not helpful, except in that it is not your fault.
Thanks!
Submitted by MX add partner on
Thanks to all of you for your comments. It feels great to find so much empathy and warm words. I had a talk with my husband today and he said he's gonna go to the neurologist to get a new prescription for another medication. I hope once he gets his symptoms under control he realizes he needs to give therapy another try.
Thanks again for reading me and giving me your advice :)
I am pleased he is responsive
Submitted by Sollertiae on
I am pleased he is responsive - I would guess that the loss of something that probably made him feel less terrible and functional was making everything worse and with losing practice at dealing he fell off a cliff. Upset and ADHD is ... hard for everyone, especially those who are on the receiving end of the upset.
Hopefully they can find something that works. Make sure you check the side effects of whatever he is prescribed as no drug is perfect, all brains are different and there might be some that clash for him. Finding a working regime is a life long process!
Oh, and look after yourself. Do things you like and enjoy and give you self worth. :)