My husband has not been diagnosed with ADHD ( yet). We have been married for 13 years. We both know that he is ADHD & we both are reading up on it. Me more then him.
This diagnosis will answer alot of years of wondering what the hec is wrong with our life.
Allthough it does not begin to help us at this point. I think that I feel worse!! I dont know how he really feels because he isnt willing to talk much about it. I mentioned many times, (years) that I am done with the way our life is going.
I have allways in the past been a very understanding wife, very supportive, the cheerleader for him . About a year ago I stopped! Everything about our life I am reading in the blogs. It scares me!! I can't keep going like this. He has never followed thru with Anything that we talk about for our marriage. I truely do not see it happening either.
He says if I leave (separate) with our son whom is 13 that he will get worse not better. To me suicide comes into my mind. Also going back to alcohol. It's all most like I'm trapped here.
I don't want to give him alternatives but I am not willing to give up any more of my life with an untreated ADHD husband. From what I'm reading, he has to come up with the plan for his life & what he is going to do with the treatment available.
What do I do now? Yes Loving, caring, patient, tolerant and kind, got that, but I am so much in my head( those thoughts that it's never gonna change). Is there life out there? Years of this can rake a toll on us both and I understand that.
I am watching my life go by & can't seem to get real positive about this journey.
We are both 55 years old.
What do I do if he doesn't seek treatment?
Thank you for letting me vent, Lord knows I haven't found anyone that understands what we are living thru, UNTILL I found this site and the people willing to talk about (IT).
Mrs.K.
What should I do if he
Submitted by Mrs. K on
I totally understand
Submitted by losing my mind on
I totally connect with your post. I'm at wits end with my husband of 21 years and we have a 12 year old. I feel so trapped because of our son. My husband is always angry yelling at me for everything, always "right" in every argument, always late to everything, can't get all his work done during work hours because he can't get going, all his projects are unfinished and the worst is the combative arguing his way or the highway. He's always raising his voice which makes me so mad and I'm a totally calm person. I just got my son tested for inattentive ADHD so hoping when we meet with the neurpsychologist about our son that she can reel my husband in for testing. I want our marriage to work but it won't if he doesn't get help. I think we need to try to get our husbands help or we can't go on like this forever!
Mrs. K. Without treatment
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Your question is a valid one, and good you are asking this NOW. My husband and I are both 61 and facing retirement with NO retirement funds to speak of. Plus, right now he is nursing a broken leg (I'm doing the nursing) and realizing when and if either of us gets too old or incapacitated, we are screwed. He moved us to where we are NOT around any family, which he NOW sees is not so good. But at the time, he HAD to take this job, against all my better judgements and findings. The entire thing has not worked out like he kept insisting it would. He dug his heels in and wouldn't budge. Now, he tells people it was the only job available to him at the time. It wasn't, and others know this.
If I could go back in time to about your age or even much earlier, I would tell myself to plan for my OWN old age, and not to cling to a hope that my husband will"be there" for me. He seemingly cant , because even the basic things of life are SUCH a massive struggle for him. Having to think about the daily activities a sick wife would bring, would be too much. I know that now. I can take care of him, but now I am limited in what I can do physically. I know WHAT is involved in taking care of someone, he doesn't. He doesn't think of these thing on his own. He has to be told things down to the last detail, which gets exhausting. And, we both get frustrated by this. But its just the way it IS.
Others on here DO say "We have to take care of ourselves". And that's the honest truth. My spouse will not THINK of what is needed in the care and feeding of a wife/husband. They can think up SOME things, but its usually a random " project" type thing instead of the actual hour to hour care.
This seems to hold true with the "married life" part of relationship as well. They have to be TAUGHT how to lovingly care for someone, which more often than not brings out anger and frustration in them instead of loving care.Impatience plays a huge part in this, and my husband and his family have very little patience for anything except hyperfocus.
The years will KEEP slipping by, until one day you realize you're older than you realized, and its late in the game to start planning for anything much. Most ADHD'ers will not do this on their own, some do, but not many. They have too many racing thoughts, hyperactivity, with the desire to keep looking for the next "shiny thing". Its actually scary now, to be THIS age, with having next to nothing (in many ways) and facing retirement.
Too much of life with an untreated person gets eaten up in the busy-ness of their business, and chaos.
So, its good that you are asking this now. If he doesn't get treatment, life will most likely continue exactly like it has been. He won't see the need for change, even if you do. But if he is already talking about this, that's a good thing, and he may be ready for help and treatment.
Keep on learning, and take care of yourself first. (Advice I wish I had been given and taken)
Hi Mrs.K :)
Submitted by c ur self on
(He says if I leave (separate) with our son whom is 13 that he will get worse not better.)
This statement of his is a manipulation attempt...It say's I'm an invalid, and I can't function without you...He functioned for 42 years (if my math is correct) w/o you, and will be fine now...From the sounds of your post, it seems like you have been his crutch...So usually when a victim minded person has a crutch they will do or say anything to keep it...Victims will use you up, and allow you to carry them until you say enough is enough and actually do something...It doesn't mean you don't love a person when you stop carrying them. As a matter of fact, it says ( to me) you care enough to at least force them into a position to see themselves....
I admire your love for him, and I'm definitely not saying leave him...But I would encourage you to not take any ownership of his behaviors, nor should you allow his poor me talk, cause fear in you....You can't save him, nor is it your job to do so...If he wants to abuse alcohol or hurt himself you want stop it, nor will you cause it...
So what ever you do, do it calmly because it's the best for you and your child....
Blessings
C