I'm the non ADHD spouse. We bought the ADHD Effect on Marriage book and we were both reading it. It was very emotional for my spouse. We both were amazed at how it seemed someone was watching us live our lives and writing a book about it! I went on to read The Dance of Anger and found it very insightful. My dilemna is that my spouse has not finished reading the first book and shows no signs of doing so. Is there a way for me to ask him about it, remind him or otherwise suggest he get back to it without him feeling threatened or judged? I've adapted how I'm acting with him because of the books. But now he seems to think everything is okay and he doesn't need to do anything else. Actually, no, I'm sure it's just that he's moved on and has forgotten we were even reading it. Help! Pretty sure I'm going to sign us up for the live counseling in the fall but that's a LONG time from now. I know that any change he makes has to come from him. But what do I do if he makes no progress towards that?
New to all this and need suggestions
Submitted by firetuck on 07/05/2017.
RE: New to all this and need suggestions
Submitted by Angie_H on
Hi, firetuck,
I could have written your post! I have a pile of books that I read, and my husband agreed to read, then did not. Why not simply ask him if he read the book and what he thought of it? You can find some tactful opening, such as saying you found the book helpful, or it reflects your view, and you wonder what he thinks about the book. (Some of the points I felt most accurately described my husband were sections of the book that he felt were unrealistic!) If he is like my husband, he may simply skim the book quickly or jump around randomly, reading only what he thinks is relevant or important, then put it aside, being done with it. That may be all you will get, but it's something. My husband and I were able to have some useful conversations. You could try pointing to certain sections of either book and starting a discussion about those topics, then see where it leads.
I have learned to make more 'I' statements. Really, my husband's world wouldn't end if he lived alone his way. The problem is some of his habits make me crazy. I've given up on having a tidy house. I have not given up on calling him out on moving my things, which then go missing, and he claims no knowledge of what happened to them. I have learned to focus more on my husband's good qualities - the things that attracted me to him. I try to be patient about the annoyances. I have learned some things, like don't accept a promise that he will do something 'next week', but say instead, 'why don't we do that today?'. I spent many years being tense waiting for 'next week', knowing the promise would not be kept. Now we either do it immediately, or I put the commitment on our calendars. It's a burden to track and give reminders, but it's better than having so many unkept promises or incomplete repairs or projects scattered around. When I am more patient with my husband, he is nicer to me.
Don't pin your hopes on future counseling. Do what you can now and every day.
All the best,
Angie
Thank you Angie! What a
Submitted by firetuck on
Thank you Angie! What a thoughtful response. I so appreciated all your points. I did ask him if he had finished the book, which he admitted he had not. But he did finish it last night and we had a productive conversation about it today. I have to remind myself to think in terms of progress and be grateful that he's willing to work on things. He is still stuck on feeling it's his problem to fix, not ours. But I think he's open to changing his mind as we move forward. I know I have a lot of work to do too. I've taken over everything over time and am paying for that. So I'm slowly introducing him to the fact that I'm not doing that anymore. :) I try very hard to stick to the I statements. That's a toughie but I do see how important that can be. Ahhh, life's a journey, eh!
> I have not given up on calling him out on moving my things, >
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<< I have not given up on calling him out on moving my things, which then go missing, and he claims no knowledge of what happened to them.
<<
oh god, what is it about ADHD that makes them not only not realize that they've taken/moved/lost things, but that they're not aware that they do these things even after being shown multiple times?
right now, we're looking for a box of pet food. It was in the kitchen this morning, right after purchasing, but H swept the floor and now he says he has no idea what happened to it and insists that he didn't move it. He's already taken all the week's trash to the street for pickup so I'm guessing it's in the trash somewhere.
At some point, he'll likely admit that he's probably the culprit, but it won't make him self-aware enough to admit these things right off the bat.