I'm new to this forum. Just found it today and am relieved that I might be able to find some help and answers for my family. I am married with two kids. My husband has ADD. In addition I have a almost 7 year old son with high functioning Autism and a 7 year old daughter with Sensory Issues although she manages well now. My husband travels 20 days a month and honestly life is much easier when he is gone. Truth be told I'm crying typing all of this. I feel like between his ADD and my sons Autism I am a losing my mind. I have to manage everyone and in the end there is nothing left for me. After 8 long years I finally convince my dh to see a therapist (he is not medicated and cannot be due to his work) and he went for 2 months and we saw improvement. He stopped going and things are going down hill again. With both children in school full time I decided to start my own business out of my home. My dh agreed to help by picking up some of the household responsibilities when he is home but he hasnt. I wanted one thing for myself. I feel like I have had to sacrifice so much in order to manage his behavior. He has been home for 5 days and I've not gotten to spend one hour "working". I have a big deadline 3 weeks away and may have to pull out of the committment. He sits on the couch all day watching tv. Nothing gets done. In order for things to get done I literally have to sit and walk him through each and every thing. We've assigned tasks to help him manage and those don't even get done without me constantly reminding him or watching over him. In the past I have taken the approach that I won't remind him / stand over him/ do it for him. The issue there is that after a week or so he leaves and then I am stuck eaither living for two weeks in a HUGE mess or picking it all up. I feel like I have had to sacrifice so much and that I am disappearing. I don't even know who I am anymore. I love my husband but in many ways he is harder to handle than the child with Autism.
New and in need of help
Submitted by Mom2OandE on 09/22/2010.
I'm having those exact same
Submitted by Cathryn on
I'm having those exact same feelings right now, sweetie. I have 3 young children and I'm slowly losing myself. We've known about my husband's diagnosis for about a year now. Things haven't really improved much, if at all. I'm reaching my breaking point. All of the weight of responsibility, the stress, the lack of sleep (2 month old baby), etc etc, is catching up with me. I feel suffocated from not having an emotional outlet. No one to truly talk and to be understood from. No one to really, truly KNOW me. I can't imagine having to go through that with an autistic child, too. I wish I had some wise things to say to you, but just wanted to tell you I'm in the same boat. BUT-just recently I've been thinking...and I think I myself need some therapy. I'm realizing just now how MUCH his ADD has affected me in such negative ways. He won't get help, but gosh darnit I need help. I need to find myself, learn how to deal with all these responsibilities, and gain back some of my self esteem. Problem is, we have no money. Not sure what to do. But for you? If you can afford it, try therapy for yourself. Perhaps if we both can do this, we can handle things better and pray that our marriages will be able to stay together.
Thank you for letting me know i'm not alone!
Submitted by Mom2OandE on
Thank you so much for sharing with me. I have gone to the same therapist he is going too. While they click well I don't click with her that much. Honestly she told us she herself has ADD and while that is good because it helps her to help him it frustrates me. I can tell she has ADD. I can tell when she isn't paying attention. She's left me waiting in the waiting room for 30 minutes. We seem to have the same conversation over and over. It makes me want to scream. She is good for my husband though and for my marriage. I need to get my husband to continue to see her and then decide if I need more therapy and if so whether I wan't it with her or someone else.
You need support
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
First, get a different therapist - one you like and can count on. Find one who knows about ADHD if you can, because certainly some of your issues are related to ADHD and this will increase the likelihood that the therapist can actually help. You need support and should seek it out. Other ways to relieve the stress you are under might include regular exercise or meditation, as well as connecting with friends. Don't let yourself get isolated!
Your husband would probably benefit from a coach or from some specific behavioral therapy. Though it is most useful in conjunction with meds, behavior therapy alone can also help improve how a person manages their ADHD. Your husband must come to realize that ADHD isn't an excuse for not helping out - it's just a diagnosis that points the way towards effective strategies for organizing himself better (i.e. treatments of all types) so that he can be a partner.
Even without meds he can improve his symptoms by taking fish oil (improves focus - up to 5,000mg a day - check with doc if on heart meds); exercising regularly, getting enough sleep and eating right. Most important, though, is his commitment to giving you relief.
I just wrote a blog post about getting past denial - try reading that for further ideas, too. Somehow, he needs to come to understand that you are drowning in responsibilities.
Thank you!
Submitted by Mom2OandE on
Thank you very much for the words of advice. I will read the blog post.