Hello all, I've been seeing this guy for about a month, and we've been exclusive a couple weeks. In the beginning I was blown away by the attention and sensitivity he showed towards me. Our connection felt otherworldly, it was like love at first sight, something I had never experienced before and was never expecting to find. He told me pretty much right from the start about his ADHD, in addition to depression, and I didn't give it much thought. I guess I was incredibly ignorant. My perception of ADD/ADHD was of the rambunctious child in the classroom who couldn't sit still. I couldn't fathom how it would affect our relationship, if at all. Fast forward to after we had consummated the relationship and it was like a switch had went off. He went from being so in tuned to being indifferent, distant. Communication dropped and I was devastated. I felt duped, bamboozled. Had Prince Charming been a lying, faking frog all this time just to get me in bed? How could someone who only the night before was drowning me in "I love yous" now treat me as if I didn't exist if it hadn't all been an act. So I figured that was that, cried my heart out, and prepared myself for never hearing from him again. Lo and behold, he contacted me. It was brief, cold, nonchalant. I was bewildered. He said matter of factly that he had been busy with work and asked if I wanted to hang out next week...I was honest with him and told him how upset I had been and he apologized. After doing some research, many a "boyfriend adhd" Google searches later, I realize that that initial explosion of attention was indeed hyper focus. I've been trying to be patient and understanding, but I'm a pretty insecure and needy person and when the communication is lacking or is more business-like and less romantic, I find myself wondering if it's really a symptom of the disorder or if he is really just over me. Sorry for the length of the post. I guess I would be interested in hearing others' opinions on how to make this relationship work. Tips, strategies. I've read about trying new things and that but what about in between seeing each other? Ideally I want to share my day and hear about his, to connect emotionally again. Is that unrealistic?
New Boyfriend Has ADHD
Submitted by mya3 on 05/11/2016.
Run, leave, get away while
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Run, leave, get away while you can.
Believe me, it will only get worse...much worse. a nightmare
WHOA!!
Submitted by Zapp10 on
Welcome!
There are too many red flags here and they don't all have to do with ADD and they don't all have to do with him.
You are looking for "something" in this relationship(or any relationship) to fill you. Consummating a" relationship" after 2 weeks is a pretty good sign. His having ADD cannot be blamed in total for his behavior. IF he didn't have ADD and behaved the same way you would still be asking the same questions about his behavior.
You are already on your way to answering your own questions and that is a good sign! You say you are insecure and needy.....so is HE supposed to fix that? Cause he CAN'T...only you can. You need to slow down and step back. You appear to be looking for something and hoping to find someone make you feel good about you. Instead, he got what he wanted and you are surprised at the result? After 2 weeks? That alone should tell you this relationship is NOT what you want nor need.
If you are devastated in this relationship after a month.....WHY would you WANT to stay?
I truly hope you will look to yourself FIRST and BE the person YOU are which means you need to focus on YOU and NO ONE ELSE.
Sex to you and sex to him are 2 different things........trust me......you think you are connecting through sex and he is NOT thinking the same thing.
Here's a sure fire way to know, for starters, if he is in anyway the "man" for you......stop having sex.....see how long he stays.
Please value yourself and not look for someone to do that for you. What you are doing is sooo normal......it's called .....growing up.......
In answer to your last question....Is that unrealistic? The answer is ....YES
I have been with my boyfriend
Submitted by Societyzchild on
I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years now. Yes, the hyper focus is a real Hong and it makes us feel magical and like we will only be the only thing on his mind. honestly though, I feel this isn't w symptom, just how some men react in a new relationship.
When we started getting serious my boyfriend took the time to explain adhd to me and the side affects of his medication. He told me sometimes he gets very depressed or anxious for no reason, that sometimes he NEEDS to be alone with his thoughts. Most importantly though is he told me to never be afraid to tell me how I'm feeling when this happens. We have amazing communication, not to say I've never had a moment where I haven't felt pushed off, but the key was I let him know that my feelings were hurt and we have worked passed it.
On on a side note, with or without him this will be my life. My daughter was diagnosed with adhd this year and the same things occur. If she is bored with what is going o she tells me she is no longer interested. She sometimes wants time to herself and does not want to include me in things. Not because she hates me or thinks I'm boring but because she also needs a brain break. Their minds are going a mile a minute, so when a project or work or a game or artwork is their passion, they hyper focus on that. It has nothing to do with disinterest or anything.
Thanks for the replies and
Submitted by mya3 on
Thanks for the replies and insight. I truly appreciate any help or advice that has been offered by those who have been there and are dealing with this kind of stuff.
A lil update: We spent most of the day together and it was truly wonderful. Yes, there was sex, but that was just a small part of it. We talked, laughed, had a lot of fun and re-bonded. He remarked that he was shocked when I had told him I thought he was ghosting me and explained again how hectic his schedule had been. There were a few moments when the ADHD was more noticeable -- spacing out during lunch, some minor irritability later on in the day, which was diffused when I lightly remarked "You're getting grumpy." I truly do think he cares, he's just not very experienced when it comes to relationships and the ADHD, depression and anxiety make it all the more challenging. I just need to be patient, communicative and not put pressure on him or the relationship to fill the emptiness I feel inside.
This isn't to say it will always be good like this, but today gave me hope for the future.