Hello, I am the Non- ADHD spouse of an adult diagnosed ADHD husband. He is now taking meds which is helping but I can't shake the anger and frustration that has built up previously to treatment. We have recently set up some boundries and he is doing well following them. Our issues were many, drinking, video games, addictive tendencies to everything- caffiene, nicotine, thankfully no hard drugs though, and crazy sleep schedules. He quit drinking 6 months ago and that has helped immensly. The newest most raw issue is that lack of time together. I work full time and go to school, he is in the military and goes to school full time. When he gets down time he wants to play video games or retreat to his office instead of spending time with our son (12) and me. Also, he has recently started coming to bed at like 4am every morning which has completely devestated out love life. Our newest plan was for him to set a timer and come to bed at midnight. He is very open to change so I am thankful for that but I hate that he needs all these rules to make me feel like he loves me. Am I going crazy or being too needy?
I have read Dr. Orlov's book and have started having learning converstaions (first one yesterday) and will continue to do that. Any other suggestions to bridge the gap between us?
Welcome jeanmarie21
Submitted by jennalemone on
Words from an old warrior (or coward in reality)
You are not crazy and are not being too needy. Wow, You have a 12 year old, and a spouse who obviously has (had) a drinking problem, smokes, and sleeps at odd hours. My dear, he is not trying to be a parent and spouse. He is being a juvenile teenager. I am sorry. I have walked your journey for over 40 years. Accept that who he is showing you and your son is who he IS. Remind yourself that this is the person who is the role model for your son. I did not leave. I was/am in a very similar situation as you are in. In today's world, with what I now know today, I would leave even though I wouldn't know financially how. I would gather my best support/friends/family members and I would carefully tell my son all the truths you know about the structure of your family and those secrets about your husband and your relationship you have kept from him for his own good. Because if you "make nice" and hide the little secrets of your husband's juvenile, irresponsible behaviors, you will not be teaching your son the truths of life and he will be confused....either he will look for someone like you who will give in to his behavior or he will find the opposites of you and will search out hard, strong women who will end up hurting him or he will act out his father's role and be irresponsible himself. The truth of your family is that you can talk to a 12 year old son.....maybe talking it over with a counselor first for practice and editing. Accept the truth of what is. Don't try to "make nice" so that something impossible "might" happen - that your husband will be magically different.....he won't be different...decide how to proceed.
Thank you very much for
Submitted by jeanmarie21 on
Thank you very much for taking the time to respond. My husband has been doing well since his diagnosis and medication but we are a work in progress. He has great qualities besides the negatives that come with his ADHD so I am not looking to throw in the towel just yet. Best of luck to you!
No, your not crazy....Your miserable...My opinion why...
Submitted by c ur self on
Your husband's priorities are screwed up...He is just refusing to discipline his life, like a child might do...And that makes you understandably angry....You are both stretched....So when there are a few available moments, you are desiring quality time and intimacy...What every normal person would want....What every Husband or Wife should be thankful for in a spouse....
He also loves dumping on you....When an adult has to have boundaries placed on them, just to try to get them to be responsible for what they should already be doing, that's a problem....Not only is it immaturity, it is also unconcern...Most things in life can be helped...But, it's a losing battle to try to speak into a closed mind of denial and indifference....
But, you can't allow yourself to get angry and bitter (like I did) because your husband is giving his time, attention and care to frivolity, laziness and addictions...None of that belongs to you, so don't take it up, and if you have, drop it!
When a husband or wife prioritizes their spouse right out of their lives...It has nothing to do w/ the spouse....The biggest mistake I ever made was running behind her full of anxiety, pointing our her unconcern....She was happy, (She loved her priorites, but, my pride wouldn't let me accept that truth about her) I was the basket case...I was trying to force a happy care free person to care about their marriage, when their actions was saying: Oh, your on my list, but I will have to let you know..LOL...Reality can hurt:)
So, if I would have just had the guts to shut up, back up, and wake up...And not allowed my Pride to force me into denial about what truly was important ot her, then I would have never been angry or bitter....When we go to the alter w/ a person and make these life time vows, we tend to have immediate expectations for a shared life of mutual love and concern for each other... (Two doing the work in the marriage) ...So, when we find out who they really care about, and what they are going to make important above all else, it can be devastating....Because to the world it looks like everything is just great, but, in reality it is like being abandoned in a dry dessert....(at least in the dessert be wouldn't have expectations, because the Sun and Sand can't speak or bleed)...
We have a choice at that point of revelation...We can do what I did, spend years angrily pointing it out....and even worse, enabling it, because we are so starved for the affection and oneness we were promised going in.....Or, we can accept the reality of it, and not give in to the carnal tendencies to mother an adult by pointing out responsible living...(when it's the last thing they want to hear) Being angry, getting bitter...enabling it....It took me 5 years to realize I had allowed it to cause me to stop being happy about all the blessings I had in life.....It took me nine years to finally say to her....I love you and want you to live out your life in peace, as I want the same for myself....And it's obvious based on your day to day living, me and this marriage aren't a high enough priority for that to happen...I will never live angry and bitter, are stay in seperate rooms...Life is to short and God's love is to real and present...I'm done w/ the fussing and fighting and pointing out the simple responsiblites of married life to someone who just don't care enough to make it a priority...This isn't about add/adhd...My wife has held the same job for over 30 years...She raised two boys alone, and she manage her home by herself until she was 46...And she has numerous strenghts....I've watched her 10 years (our 10 year anniversay was yesterday) and any thing she deems as important, she takes care of....So will your husband!
I'm not her mother, and I fight myself every day to not point out things, and just be nice and show love....That is my part, and my responsiblity....I will never attempt to own her part again, and I will never threaten to divorce her again....If it happens it want be announced....
c
Thanks! My husband has been
Submitted by jeanmarie21 on
Thanks! My husband has been trying hard to get more structure like a reasonable bedtime, dinner time, and he always does daily chores around the house. He has realized recently that he cannot skip his meds on days he thinks he won't need it because I need some stability in our lives. We are working on things and compromising. He is very open to change and is attempting to understand my concerns and me his.
Your husband is making
Submitted by SweetandSour on
Your husband is making changes for the better. He is medicated and doing well following boundaries. That is HUGE! He is working on his issues. He needs LOTS of positive reinforcement for the things he's doing. It's extremely difficult to change habits. There will be lapses - doesn't mean everything is out the window. "He is very open to change". That is HUGE! I'm guessing that you're just learning about ADHD so you're going through some grief most likely at the loss of your idea/picture of who/what a loving partner is. The "rules" don't fit that image. You're not crazy and I wouldn't agree with the term "being too needy". It will take time though and everything can't be fixed overnight. You do need to get past your anger at what's gone before. Counselling for yourself would be good for that, but if you can't fit that into your schedule there are a lot of good books - even websites - about letting go of anger. I understand that you want your husband to spend time with you and your son - that is completely reasonable, but it sounds like the work/school schedules you both are carrying are pretty heavy. For someone with ADHD that is a lot to deal with - they have to have some time to decompress without dealing with other people - maybe more time than you need. I'm not saying you should give up on the goal of spending more time together, but just that you need to keep in mind the whole picture of what your husband is trying to juggle and hear him when he tells you what he needs which is probably different than what you need at times. From what you wrote there are a lot of positives in your situation that aren't present in some other people's situations and it sounds to me like there is hope here for you and your husband to have a good relationship. All good relationships do take effort and patience and self-improvement by both parties, but you can only work on you. I hope you continue to seek out resources and find some specific things that are helpful for you in your journey.
Thank you very much for hope
Submitted by jeanmarie21 on
Thank you very much for hope when I so needed some :-) This marriage is more than I bargained for but it is also better in some ways than I expected. We are making compromises and trying new things so hopefully we will find a happy place for us both.
Down Time
Submitted by phatmama on
Unfortunately, people with ADHD seem to need lots of down time to decompress. As exhausting as it is to live with someone with ADHD, I believe it is equally exhausting to have ADHD. With my husband, it is an insane preoccupation with anything and all things with engines, gears, tools, machines, inventions, etc....If he could do nothing but go to work and then come home and work in his shop and have me drop off a sandwich and a bottle of water in there occasionally, he would have the perfect marriage. His need to decompress in his workshops (one at home and one over an hour away) is probably the biggest sticking point in our marriage. He also tends to stay up hours after my bedtime despite me asking over to come to bed by eleven. I have consistently wanted more engagement, more accountability, more help while he wants to build and putter and mess around. If he ever actually made anything we could use, maybe I wouldn't be so upset, but in 21 years, not one thing has ever come out of that shop that I understand or can use. So, it might as well be video games or some other time suck as far as I;m concerned. I have spent such a huge amount of energy going to the mat over this that I could have powered a steam engine with that energy (come to think of it, if I was powering a steam engine, I would probably grab his attention in a jiffy--lol). What is different now is acceptance. This is him. This is who he is, was, and ever shall be except when we first fell in love and he hyperfocused on me. His career and "adulting" in general exhausts him and his shop is his happy place where his brain and body blow off steam. I have stopped working full time and cut down to part time because I finally realized I was mostly flying solo in the house (cooking, cleaning, childcare, lawn care, shopping, scheduling). As strange as it sounds, the more I give up and let go of what I think he should do, the more relaxed I am, just like c ur self. He seems to have been practicing this acceptance thing for a while now and he has made his peace with life with an ADD'er. I am starting on that path, and I can tell you it sure beats the years of trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. For some people, leaving now might seem like the best plan, while you are still young. That is up to you, but I am strongly vested in "till death do us part" and leaving is not part of the plan (ok--truth--there are times I fantasize about leaving, but there have never been any real intentions). Basically there are three paths here: 1. stay and keep working on him. he may or may not continue working on himself. don't hold your breath 2. leave 3. stay and relax. "accept the things you cannot change" and release the resentment and hostility. On this forum, there are people deep into all of these options, so you have plenty of support either way. Best wishes to you and your family.
I related to your post! My
Submitted by jeanmarie21 on
I related to your post! My hubby hides in his office with video games and it annoys me so much but I am learning how to adjust. He has changed several things already like an earlier bedtime (He actually sets and alarm so he remembers), no drinking, no smoking, and he tries anything I ask him to. He is an active duty veteran so these things were acceptable for many years for him- change is hard. I know we have many challenges ahead and I just needed some hope and advice and I appreciate you doing that for me. I wish you the best of luck!