My wife and I are in our mid forties and I have 2 stepdaughter's. My wife has add and my eldest stepdaughter who is 14 years has adhd. My youngest stepdaughter is 12 years old and has the rebellious I know everything attitude of 21. I am what the constant arguments between the girls. Majority of the time I am the one doing the cooking and cleaning up of the house while everyone is on their devices. I am frequently arguing with my wife to have the girls pitch in around the house because the are at that age and can learn to help contribute. My wife is constantly forgetting to follow up with the kids on a major of things. When I am constantly reminding everybody about brushing your teeth, pickup the cup, close the cupboards, etc I am made out to be the grumpy one.
I love my wife and daughters dearly but am tired of battling with them and need help before it get too late... PLEASE!
Suga; I feel for you, u r in a no win situation....
Submitted by c ur self on
My wife is high level add; when I married her she had a 16 year old; and a 21 year old....My two were both grown and married....What happened to me, and what is happening to you is NOT GOOD....But there is good news!!....You and I are the problem LOL..LOL.....But sadly, Yes we are....I was...You r....;) Keep reading ;)
You and your add/adhd family think differently! Very differently....We think responsibility...We think accountability, We think order...We think time management....We think priorities.....Which isn't the problem, these are all great traits..FOR US! AH HA!....We only become a problem when we attempt to force these traits on to people who will only hate the site of you for doing it.....You can't win trying to force victim minded people (spoiled, frivolity mind people who flip flop from laziness to thrill seeking) who will call you controlling (which is right) Who will call you boring etc...Which can make us feel used, unloved and angry.. LOL
The kids need proper guidance...But you are basically going to always be the bad guy, ESPECIALLY IF SHE ISN'T FULLY ON BOARD, AND DOING AND PROMOTING THE SAME!....What I'm saying is, you must accept what the reality of the situation is, and step away from forcing what you think is good against everyone's else's desires for THEIR life... Any one in your situation has to know your limitations!....If you want things to be better for your mental and emotional state that is....Also, when you quietly allow them to fall flat because of their unwise life style's and thought processes...Then they eventually will learn life is about responsibility and discipline...But, you can't force it, life will painfully teach it, and it will stick at that point...Learn to walk away from the chaos...It want kill them, but it will you trying to prevent it....
Bless you friend
c
C thank you so so much for
Submitted by suga on
C thank you so so much for your reply. Reading it actually does help.
The problem with leaving them make the mistake you are trying to avoid is that they keep making it over and over again. In making these mistakes there is also a great financial losses made as well.
Just make yourself a sandwich and take a walk
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
I agree with C in that your always trying to forestall the tidal wave of chaos that springs from the 'ADHD lifestyle' will not succeed in stopping the chaos but will succeed in withering your sanity. Sometimes when seeing that no one is (again) 'doing anything about dinner' just make yourself a sandwich, eat it and then go take a pleasant stroll. The chaos will always be there when you get home; exercising 'mental health breaks' will help you a lot. The 'financial issues' are tougher and require separation of finances etc. which can be 'problematic' to accomplish. But still take your stroll.
Immedialy
Submitted by tcrane on
.....shut your eyes breathe and ask, "who is this that takes on so many activities, out of love"? Can you locate this that is understandably overwhelmed and being vigilant because the family may be making unsafe decisions.
Try an 8 sec exercise that can be done 100 times a day.... Sit comfortably, look up and 'notice' the ceiling sky. Look down to the left. What sounds do you hear. Look down to the right- focus on your arm or leg (something stationary). Shut your eyes. Are you less triggered or a bit less agitated? If your not sure this is great. Do it again*.
Your on this site--great. SIGN up for Melissa's groups for the Non-ADHD spouses. If its full email her and prompt her of this entry and your need for RESOURCE. How do you feel when I ask you to put on an Oxygen mask first before your child spouse, etc.? For those like me who really had a hard time with this, be with this....is it productive? Could you help any of your family, friends( etc.) in that plane (in your present 'Pandemic' when our collective pandemic poses perfectly normal fears.
*this, I understand, is an NLP tool. It has helped me in the most stressful of times. A bowler, who was a total skeptic asked what can be done before a big tournament when I'm anxious and out of my zone? It is reported he had a very successful year (did this many times a day in preparation).
You are not alone
Submitted by Cherish on
Dear suga,
Please know you are not alone. It sounds as if you are feeling despair which is totally understandable. I pray that finding this forum will give you a feeling of some support and hope.
In my experience with a spouse and kids with ADHD (we are older so my spouse was never diagnosed but my kids were) - I happened upon “The ADHD Effect on Marriage” and it changed my life by explaining what I had gone through over 20 years. I chose the user name Cherish as the traditional wedding vows say “to love AND to CHERISH.” Everyone deserves to be cherished and appreciated and respected and helped. It sounds as if you are not getting that from your wife and step-daughters and your feelings are totally normal.
The disorganization and lack of control of one’s home environment plus being ignored by one’s own family lead to the emotional and physical exhaustion that is classic in the non-ADHD spouse. I came to realize that the chaos bothered them but not me. As I descended into situational depression they were happy in their own little worlds, especially so since my personal standards (and financial survival) meant I paid the bills and took care of all essential duties. It is a great situation for them for you to take care of them and clean up after them but terrible for you as there is no one to take care of you.
Here is the advice I wish someone had given me years ago. The first is that I wish my spouse had been diagnosed so that I could have learned more about inattentive ADHD. The symptoms are very frustrating to live with but at least maybe more tolerable with understanding. I wish I had known about Melissa’s support options and I hope you are able to take advantage of them. The second is that it would have helped to know that the untreated ADHD person is happy being in their own world - they are not malicious, but immature and self-centered and enamored with whatever gives them a dopamine thrill and when that is not you they are off to something else - so they don’t care that you are unhappy and nagging and begging for help is useless. Like younger children, they are concrete. They have to experience something, they don’t do well trying to conceptualize it. So you have to stop - stop doing for them and realize it is not selfish to do for yourself. Unfortunately it seems that usually means physically leaving if that is possible, either for a trial separation or permanently. This allows the real world natural consequences to catch up with your loved ones and allows you to regain the peace and serenity of an environment which you have some control over and, when you are less exhausted, to seek the attention and support that you need and deserve from others. Then, hopefully, the ADHD spouse wakes up to the damage the untreated ADHD symptoms are doing to the relationship and gets motivated to participate in treatment. If so, then things can improve in the marriage, and after that both parents can present a united front to enforce consequences for the children when they make bad choices.
If the ADHD spouse does not care enough to participate in treatment then your choices are to live with what you have or leave the relationship. In my case, I thought I was strong enough to ignore my feelings and stay busy with other things so that I could tough it out because of my marriage vows. It nearly killed me. The end of my relationship came as a shock to all involved- me included as I had been trying to fool myself that I was okay and could wait it out - and it took years (and Melissa’s book, which the counselor we saw apparently did not know about) to figure out what the heck happened to me and my marriage. Unfortunately, for me there was no going back as at some point betrayal of trust and loss of respect were too much to overcome. But maybe there is hope for you and your family.
I can tell that you are a caring and loving person. Again, you are not alone and I hope that things improve for you.