Hi. I am new to the group. Married for 15 years 3 children together for 20. All these years I thought my husband was being an a@@hole. I finally asked him for a separation because I felt I was crazy. Mostly because that what he told me. Finally went to a therapist on my own and he followed suite. Discovered he has ADD. I thought I can do this but do not think I can. This is all too much. I feel like he got in an accident and is now a different person. I find myself even getting angry at my therapist for telling me this is not his fault and I have to give him less responsibility. I know it's a real problem but I'm not sure I can deal with this. I applause all who do. I am new to finding out this diagnosis and just here to see how other people deal with this situation. Prayers to all.
New to group. Seeking support
Submitted by Melissa57 on 02/25/2017.
Hi Melissa57....
Submitted by c ur self on
Your post and feelings are typical for someone who has been subjected to what you say you have...We are all human and we get effected by disrespect, abuse and irresponsibility...A therapists' job is to help you deal w/ you....So in many instances he may anger you trying to do that.. He hasn't been looking in your window...He is just seeing the product of what has been produced in you...The anger, hurt possibly bitterness etc....I just want to say you are doing the right thing to confront yourself....We all must do it....We don't have to stay where there is abuse...But we do need to confront ourselves and be accountable to ourselves to move past our anger and blame, so we can find some calmness and an healthy spirit and outlook on life....
I know you may be thinking that is easy for him to say, but you will just have to believe me when I tell you I deal with the same things on a daily bases.....
I will pray for you...
C
Thank you. I am just shocked
Submitted by Melissa57 on
Thank you. I am just shocked. All these years I had no idea this was the problem, now that I know this and am more educated about it I know I can not live this life. It is such an emotional roller coaster. Everything ends up being my fault. I do not know if this is the case with everyone else in this situation. I really can not take it. I try and be compassionate that he has this problem but where do you draw the line. It so difficult. I pray for strength for everyone in this situation. I'm happy to have come across this group. It makes me feel not so alone.
I understand....
Submitted by c ur self on
I understand, that is part of denial...in order to feel good about themselves they become professional's at flipping everything you question about their behavior and lack of effort w/ responsibility...(Many with a mind-set you are describing lives off of blame)
I would never tell you to stay, i have no idea what you are dealing with...I may not stay much longer either if some things don't change...But, I will offer two bits of advice...One, deal with yourself, try to keep your focus on you, your words your actions, work hard to move past your anger. That can only happen when you turn inward in focus....
Secondly, try to be the fly on the wall w/ him...He has a reality that is causing you much pain because you are wishing it would change so bad...When it comes to him, try to accept the way he lives (acceptance doesn't mean you approve) because your anger and your hurt is only poisoning your own life....If he is living in denial, then he is probably fine...So what is wrong with that picture??
Yep...I understand your emotional state....But that is something you need to really battle....Read up on boundaries...Do what every you have to have a peaceful life...If you can't depend on him, then don't....It will be hard at first, because you are so overwhelmed by his living of life.....It has become way to much of a focus and distraction in your own mind....So recognize that, turn inward and keep telling yourself to be the person you would be if he didn't exist....Don't make him your identity!
If a spouse can't move past having an emotional attachment to unrealistic expectations (talking to myself her also) then there will never be much peace to be had..... What makes them unrealistic is the person we place them on either don't have them or has no ability to perform them....So guess who suffers when we keep trying to get blood out of a turnip??
Clue...It's not them....
C