Hi I'm new. I'm 40, dh is 44. We've been married for 15 years. We have 2 sons, 11 and 4. The first 3 years of marriage were bliss. Since then it's been a roller coaster. We separated for a year about 8 years into the marriage after (and during) his torrid affair with a coworker. The newness wore off and we got back together. One great year, we got unexpectedly pregnant and it's been downhill since. Dh lost job 4 years ago and hasn't had a real job since then.
He has always had a drinking problem. I thought that was the reason for the laziness, irritability, and inappropriate relationships. He got sober after I again threatened divorce. While sobriety has helped in many areas, a lot of the behaviors, especially lying and taking the "easy out" in just about everything. Again, I'm at the end of my rope.
I posted about some problems on another relationship site and another poster suggested it might be adhd. I read Melissa's book and cried. It is my life.
Husband agrees and has set an appt for eval in 2 weeks. The thing is, this looming diagnosis doesn't give me hope - it feels like a life sentence. He can't just "try more" and do better - it really is who he is. I can't live like this forever.
I understand.
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
While the drinking probably made things worse, there likely is an underlying problem existing prior to becoming an alcoholic. That can be why things are still "bad".
He may have ADHD, and he may have a combo with one or more of the following: depression, anxiety, NPD, BPD, or some other PD.
I understand.
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
While the drinking probably made things worse, there likely is an underlying problem existing prior to becoming an alcoholic. That can be why things are still "bad".
He may have ADHD, and he may have a combo with one or more of the following: depression, anxiety, NPD, BPD, or some other PD.
Welcome
Submitted by Jenna72 on
Welcome. I hope you find this forum to be as supportive as I have. It is not easy to go through this alone. I have received a great amount of support in the short time I have been here, and it has helped a lot.
<<Husband agrees and has set an appt for eval in 2 weeks. The thing is, this looming diagnosis doesn't give me hope - it feels like a life sentence. He can't just "try more" and do better - it really is who he is. I can't live like this forever. >>> I know just what you mean. My fiance is in his 50's and just now looking at getting help. Initially, I was happy to see him get help. After reading the book, and reading people's stories, I realize that this is something I cannot fix. This problem resides in his brain, and while things may get better with support and/or medication, it is, in fact, something that will never change. It is hard when you love someone, to know what to do..... I hope you find this as much support as I have...
You are so smart and already have your answer...
Submitted by By my fingernails on
You wrote it:
"The thing is, this looming diagnosis doesn't give me hope - it feels like a life sentence. He can't just "try more" and do better - it really is who he is. I can't live like this forever."
Set boundaries and follow through. Maybe you've already checked out Al-Anon, maybe you haven't, but it's very similar. And you are RIGHT. He is exactly who he is and will never change and if you can't live like this you know what you need to do. It doesn't have to be immediate but get yourself set up to support yourself and your kids - disentangle yourself financially - get rid of all joint accounts except maybe one checking account... and start to disconnect emotionally. It will give you a lot of perspective and space. And will give you more patience for the day to day. When you know that it's not for forever it's much easier to tolerate. You'll take steps to get yourself all set and then by the time you're ready to go he'll have had time to work on himself, and maybe in the end all of the disentangling - emotional, financial, etc - will make you want to stay once you have boundaries and separation because you'll be able to enjoy the good and not be bothered or affected by the bad. Or at that point it might still be bad but you'll be ready for your next step.
Can you tell that's what I'm in the process of doing?
Good luck!