I stumbled upon this website tonight while researching ADHD and marriage and a lightbulb went off for me. As you can guess we're in a tough place right now. We've been together for 11 years, married 9, and have two children. One of our children also has ADHD. My husband was diagnosed as a child, but due to the lack of good medication options back then and the negative side effects he had from Ritalin he hasn't been medicated as an adult. Funny enough he had no issues trying out medication for our son, which by the way has been a great experience. As is true for most relationships where one person has ADHD it's been a rollercoaster over the years. We always come back to the same issues though: his lack of interest in me, his lack of sex drive (which has progressively gotten worse over the past year), us having more of a parent/child dynamic and his all over the place and ever changing interests and hobbies that he's passionate about, which makes his lack of passion for me that much more hurtful. I'm obviously not without my own faults. I admit that I'm a perfectionist and a worrier. I also tend to take over and take control when needed which can be both good and bad. So starting from the beginning ...When we met I was 19 and he was 22. He was also just trying to quit using cocaine and other hard drugs. I helped him get on his feet and supported him 100%. Looking back I see that he replaced his drug addiction with his addiction to me (and now has replaced me with numerous hobbies). I wasn't educated on ADHD back then, I was young and I was smitten so I obviously ignored the warning signs. A year and a half later we were married and had our first child on the way. The first two years of our son's life were rocky to say the least. That's when our sex life declined and I started losing his interest. He seems to always be addicted to new things: his computer, the internet, a video game, work, fishing, fixing up boats, snorkeling, surfing, etc. His interest in things never lasts long because he's always on to bigger and better things to give him that fix he needs. While reseaching tonight I read that lots of ADHD people hyperfocus on things like a new love interest, but that soon wanes and they're on to something else. That's when the lightbulb went off that confirmed that I'm not crazy and just making things up. My husband has many amazing qualities and while we love each other more than ever we just plain don't like each other these days. I'm fed up with his constant changing interests and lack of interest in me and he's fed up with me constantly "attacking him." By attacking him he means sharing my feelings. We can't just have a conversation about those things without him feeling like I'm criticizing him no matter how hard I try to phrase things correctly. I've bookmarked some articles I've found tonight, ordered a few books and joined this forum hoping that I can figure out a way to repair the things that are going wrong. If anyone has any advice for us I would truly appreciate it.
New here and need a safe space to vent
Submitted by nikkollynn on 11/06/2015.
Is your husband able to
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
Is your husband able to connect to you emotionally?
i'm very familiar with the hyperfocus that you write about. I've come to realize that my husband isn't able to emotionally connect to anyone. However, the hyperfocus that he placed on me in the beginning of our relationship appeared to be an emotional connection. Then one day he dropped me like a bad habit and never looked back. For 21 years I've watched him focus on many other people and activities. My husband appears to have an emotional connection with each and every person and activity that he hyper focuses on. That's why it's so hurtful for us, the spouse that's been forgotten. To us it feels like an emotional betrayal. I believe it's more of an addictive behavior. The newness of each activity and person that enters their life releases some kind of chemical into their brain that is otherwise missing.
In the beginning of our marriage I would describe my husband as neglectful and cruel due to his hyperfocus. I can tell you that he has learned to act differently. He hasn't changed. His brain hasn't changed. But his behavior has changed. I've spent many painful years teaching him how to be a husband. But, if a new situation arises that requires him to feel emotion and respond appropriately he isn't able to do it.
I've always told him he's the
Submitted by nikkollynn on
I've always told him he's the coldest and most emotionally distant person I know. He can tell me how much he loves me and wants to make things work, but there is hardly any follow through, if any. The passion he feels for all of these new hobbies and adventures certainly looks like emotion, but maybe you're right about it just being an addictive behavior.
Is he working full time and providing for his family?
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Is he providing for his family? Working full time? Is he still off drugs? Booze?
Does he spend money foolishly?
How do you know that he loves you? word alone?